I had a “Come to Jesus” moment. Sitting on my couch, holding my phone and sending emotionally crazy texts to my husband and my friends Karen and Melanie – I felt like I was losing it. But what I didn’t realize – I was about to learn the gift of no.
If something didn’t change, I had a first class ticket to Crazytown…and it was a one-way ticket.
Did you know it’s hard to keep up a facade that everything is great when something is really not great? It is – I kept up that facade for three years. Maybe you’ve kept it up for longer. My particular issue was difficulty with homeschooling my children – maybe yours is something else.
Every. Single. Day. I ended up crying. Or my kids did. Or ALL of us did. Homeschool shouldn’t be this hard, should it? Really? Should I dread it the moment my eyes pop open?
Nope.
Honey, if something is making you cry every single day and dread the rising sun – SOMETHING IS WRONG. You need to fix it.
Why are you doing this particular crazy thing? You shouldn’t do anything without a reason. If you can’t stop and tell someone exactly why you’re doing the action that’s making you crazy, then you need to rethink some things.
Let me tell you what I determined the problem to be:
I had stopped saying “No.” No more. No thanks, I’m good. No, that seems like too much. No, I don’t need any more information on that.
No.
I have issues with overwhelm. In this case I was overwhelmed by trying to do TOO MUCH because I had stopped saying no.
I was making my kids crazy by being “General Homeschool Mommy” – trying to be the best, by listening to all the best podcasts, reading all the best books, and using all the best programs and all the best curricula. Being The Best is a job that’s too hard for me. And I quit. I’m saying NO.
I couldn’t tell you why I was trying to teach my kids most of what I was trying to force them to learn. It was making all of us miserable when all I really want my kids to be able to do at this point is:
- Love God
- Love each other/their “neighbor”
- Read
- Teach themselves
So, how am I leaving Crazytown?
I’m saying no. I put the curriculum away and we’re taking the route that lets me say, “this is why I’m homeschooling my kids.” So they learn to love – so they learn to read – so they teach themselves.
We have never been so happy – and all this time it was because I was withholding the gift of no.
No more programs and extra activities that stress us out. No to more podcasts, books, blogs, or articles about how I can be better and do more. Because we don’t need MORE. We need US. Most of all, I need my people and THEY NEED ME.
When I posted my realization on Instagram – you responded with such enthusiasm and support that I realized WE ARE ALL SUFFERING FROM THIS PROBLEM!
So, Stacy Myers is saying NO – embracing the gift of no. Do you need to do the same?
I have this bookmarked and have come back to it four times already. I need to read this monthly.
NO is powerful.
Thank you.
I am so glad this post was helpful to you.
— Julie, HH Team
Thought this might come in handy…my husband’s friend just bought one and showed it to him…I immediately thought of you and your post!! ?
http://www.coolthings.com.au/the-no-button
Blessings, Dori
LOL Oh my goodness! THAT IS AWESOME!
I love this photo of you & the 4 kiddos!
Thanks, Regina! That means a lot, coming from the photography genius!
I can totally relate. Not to the home-schooling example but to overloading in general. I have toddler and a new-born and it’s very challenging! Yet I often still feel like I should (and agree to) do more. Someone once said to me that the things we say ‘no’ to give value to the things we say ‘yes’ to. I think I need to relearn this lesson again. It’s so liberating to simplify things! Thanks for the reminder.
Oh, I love that!!! It’s so true. It makes your YES answers so much more wonderful.
Love it! I nixed the MFW first-grade number of the day activity today to embrace this no-concept. It makes him cry, makes me frustrated all for no reason. He hates repetitive nonsense, so we threw it out and had a much better math time. Thank you, Stacy!
I get easily overwhelmed with crafts that take up space.
I know that it seems my comment didn’t go with yours. LOL But, MFW focuses a lot on crafts like that.
They sure do! This week is making a Bible time costume. Say what? No thanks! 🙂 I like crafts but some are just too out of reach, lol!
“Build a wigwam.” Yeah right. After that, I’ll weave my own fabric and make all our clothes.
Stacy – The picture of your beautiful family shows JOY! I hope you have that picture framed so you can give it to Barry for Christmas – if he puts it on his desk at work, he will always be reminded of his beautiful wife who puts God first in her life. You look amazing, Stacy. And I pray that you continue to say NO to things that don’t bring you joy. Enjoy your family.
Margaret, you are always so uplifting and encouraging. Thank you.
Love this Stacy… you may have mentioned it elsewhere… what are you doing now? (For homeschool)
Easy Peasy. 🙂
I have had a few “no moments” in the past year. I am a pastors wife, and saying no for me is difficult. But I have learned from earlier experience that I know what I can and can not handle. I also know what God is asking me to do in the church for His service. I am a much happier pw this go around, and I know it is because I am allowed to say no! My other big “no” was to tearing my body up eating processed food. Wow this has been a big change for me. I am not perfect, but I do not have to say yes to things that are no good for me. I feel so great, no more brain fog, and I truly feel happier! So I am choosing to say yes to what is best for me, and no to things that are not so good. The freedom of “no” is awesome!
P.S. The whole idea of “socialization” is not so hot, imo. I am trying to find the courage to say “no” in this area as well.
I don’t want my kids to be socialized. LOL 🙂 I’m so glad you’ve found freedom, Gingie!
I’m so happy to see you smiling with your teeth showing! You look great and your smile seems more free! 🙂
Thanks, Jana! 🙂
AMEN!!! I’m glad to know that I wasn’t the only one feeling overwhelmed by homeschooling.
It seems like there is a lot of us…and we were just too afraid to say so.
Such an inspiring post and really something we need to be reminded of regularly. I just said no to a Bible Study after feeling railroaded into it. I love Bible Study, but felt the organizer was pushing me too hard and I was compromising too many other things to make it happen on the particular evening it was scheduled. I do think many people don’t want to say no to church requests or obligations and then burn out totally. I want to love the events and extras I go to…and for my own reasons not to please someone else. I love my homeschool day, I am so happy you have found the joy in your day too!
Audra, you are always so encouraging! 🙂 Thank you! And yes, church things are the hardest ones to say no to.
My no moment was standing up to the doctors and saying No Chemo. I will beat cancer without chemo. I went so far as to put a chart note in my file that I have a fatal family history with chemo. I have not met one person who survived chemo more than ten years. Not one. So I said no. I would rather live in harmony with my condition than be drug through the wringer with chemo. Best choice I ever made. Six years and counting.
Thank you for sharing your no moment, Cheri!
Cheri… amazing testimony!! Have you heard of Cancer Killers?? It’s a natural protocol to beat cancer!
Attempt #3…I will try to pare this down (not easy!) Basically, the No’s in our family life have included things like home school conventions, organized sports, and home school co-ops, which met with lots of opposition from other home school families and even our extended family. But they made room for things that we valued more like time around the dinner table, family devotions and reading aloud, going for hikes and picnics, etc. We also allowed each child lessons for an instrument because we felt that had lasting value. Our kids are now high school age, and we see that the trade-offs really have paid off because we are a close-knit family and they have finally learned to study independently. They also have time for ministry that would not have been possible with an over-burdened schedule. I had to basically shut out a lot of voices (even from other home school parents and sources) in order to stay on track with our goals, because otherwise they just brought about a lot of feelings of guilt and self-doubt. Love this post and agree with you 100%!
What do you know – it worked! (-:
Joy, I’m sorry you had issues posting, but I’m so glad you did! This is exactly my goal!!!!
So, Stacy, don’t know what is going on with the comments not posting, but if they both end up working eventually, you can delete my first attempt ;/ LOL -Joy
So this one works, but the other two didn’t – weird! Is there a word limit? I’ll have to try again…
Hey, you’re smiling WITH YOUR TEETH SHOWING!! This means one of two things: this “NO” stuff is REALLY GREAT!!!!, or the braces are doing exactly what you wanted, and now you’re happy looking like you! : )
I’m not in braces at present, so I’m going to go with the first, and go forth and say NOOOOO today! Great post here, Stacy, thanks.
Both, Becky! It’s both! 🙂
I know this isn’t relevant, but-guurrllll, i LOVE your hair! And, now I have to go, because I haven’t said “no” to everything yet. 🙁 Thanks for sharing!
Thanks, Krissi! I’m letting it grow out so I can get purple highlights. 🙂
Your hair DOES look so cute.
I might have purple highlights at the moment. 😀 I actually got blonde highlights, and then a few months later I bought Viral colorwash from Amazon…you just shampoo with it and the color only takes on the lightened parts of your hair. Highly recommend it, even if it’s just to freshen up your purple after you get it!
Thanks for the recommendation! I’m going to have a friend do it, because when it comes to hair – I’m totally clueless. Ha ha!
Sometimes God lets you see something you need, at the expense of something you want. I have three kids, a full time job and I went back to school. This is a huge change from 5 years ago when I worked retail a few hours a month and stayed home with my wonderful children. While I love my job and my family, I really have been taking great pride in my school work. While that isn’t a bad thing, keeping all A’s has become my goal. And you now what? I missed my family. I missed making dinner for them (and with my Husband) I missed the time I used to have with them. So I am saying NO to A’s. I do not need to strive for perfection but rather do my best and enjoy my family along the way. I made this decision over the weekend, and it has been a great week. I don’t have to be Super Mommy, super employee, super student, and super church member. But I do need to be the best me that I can. Right now that means doing my homework, but it also means cooking dinner(which I enjoy). (PS B’s are a perfectly acceptable grades too!)
What a great “no,” Christina! YES to family!
I have a weird ‘No’ moment. I hit a point in early September where I said a final No to fashion. I mentioned in an earlier comment that I have some health and aging issues, like (what I think is) a lot of hairloss and bad feet and some other things. I just overall don’t feel like I’ve ‘still got it’, or that I need to prove that I do and I just don’t really care that ‘it’ is going quickly. I still like to feel that I look nice, and neat, but much of the styles and trends of society around me just no longer fit, including dress your truth – they leave me feeling frustrated and inadequate because I don’t fit fully into their ideals.
So; Because of my hair I decided I would get a perm, and if that still didn’t help I’d save up for a wig. I seriously hate the ‘hair on everything I touch’ that much, and I had a not so minor ugly sob breakdown that resulted in said decision, including tears when I booked my appointment at the salon, (which was really cringe-errific). I came out of the salon looking like someone’s great aunt Mildred, but I freaking love it. I wake up, shower, fluff it and go. I no longer struggle with inadequacy over my straight thin breaking hair and lack of girly styling abilities. I’m not needing to touch it as much so I see a little less loss (The stylist felt my hair was normal – I still don’t, but she had total confidence in doing a perm on me)
I found some dressy ‘comfort fit’ pants at a Cleo’s store, and while on the models with their high heels they look fashionable, on me, with my new sensible and sturdy shoes, they look nice, but somewhat elderly. I got a new cardigan, simple necklace, and a sweater, and a similar cut pair of jeans and I feel great. I tell my husband and friends I am embracing my inner Church Lady. 🙂
No, Angelique…you ARE embracing your truth! You are! 🙂 WAHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sweet Angelique…you and I are in the same place! I have multiple health issues that are making everyday tasks very difficult for me. Styling my hair and worrying about wearing ‘fashionable’ clothes were sending me over the edge too.
So…I got a pixie haircut (mine has denim blue highlights Stacy) and am wearing whatever I find comfortable for that day! Mostly it’s tunics with leggings because they’re comfy for me. That means most days I’m wearing something similar to the day before, but that’s okay! It’s very ‘me’!! ??
~Trish
Go Angelique! Be yourself! I am embracing being almost 60 and loving it! Comfy clothes and shoes all the way!
Thanks for sharing your “no” story Stacy! I really needed to hear it today. I’m at my wits end and half crazy. I know something or somethings need to change. Over the last few weeks, I’ve been soul searching to find my purpose and to get my happy back. I realize that not saying no has played a big part in my chaotic life causing a lot serious undue stress. In the back of my (flooded, noisy, never thought ending) mind, I knew that saying no would help me achieve some peace in my life, but reading your story is sort of a sign that I really need to put it into practice and start saying NO!
Practice saying it in the shower, Teresa. It’s fun. It sounds nice! 🙂 LOL
I am fascinated with how you got some color into a black and white picture. You always turn things on their head in a great way….rock on lady!!!! Love seeing your youngest! What a lovely family.BTW I understand if you do not respond….NO is a very respected word! LOL
I use the Color Pop app. 🙂
I commented on your instagram post (which I never do) but this post is worth another shout out over here. You are such a wonderful person, Stacy! Your blog is one of those amazing gems that I stumbled upon while working on budgeting, and boy, did I ever find a heck of a lot more than budget help! You have a gift for making people smile. You have a way of saying what others are timid about saying, and you do it in a very easy-to-swallow way. Seriously, thank you for letting God use you to minister to the hearts of all us mom/wife/friend girls out here in cyberspace. You are a huge blessing to me and I send your wise words on to friends all the time. Keep up the GOOD WORK!
And YOU have the gift of encouragement, Wendy! Please comment more often! 🙂
I have to say that I don’t usually comment but this one I had to because I got my aha moment earlier today before I even read this, so it feels like a reinforcement reading this. I needed to say no to googling the answer to every question and just walking through the situation to fight out what works for us as a family. I did that this morning and it felt great. So yes here is to No. Because this life God gave is is meant to be lived by Faith in Him and lead He will if I let Him, so I’m letting God. Thanks Stacy for posting this. It’s a powerful thing to find out from the source what I am supposed to be doing. It’s very liberating. Here’s. To Liberty.
Yes, Caroline. Say no to Google. LOL 🙂
Thanks for this post — I’m right there with you. And oh, I LOVE your new hair. It looks awesome. So dang cute.
Thanks, Katharine! Letting it grow out to a bob.
I LOVE YOU!!! This is what I’ve been struggling with so much too, as you recall from our conversations. Thank you for sharing this and for being so transparent. You’re an amazing mother and your children are remarkable. Not because of the curriculum and projects… But because of love.
Yes, yes, yes! Love you, friend!
Great article! I learned just this year that excellence is different from perfection. I had to think about that. Striving for perfection will kill our joy. Just. Say. No. Excellence is quite different. And it is wonderfully freeing! I have been saying no to quite a few things lately and doing the simple things with excellence. Much better.
Great article! I learned just this year that excellence is different from perfection. I had to think about that. Striving for perfection will kill our joy. Just. Say. No. Excellence is quite different. And it is wonderfully freeing! I have been saying no to quite a few things lately and doing the simple things with excellence. Much better.
I love that, Susan! Striving for perfection kills joy – amen.
I found the courage to say “no” to working outside of my home this summer. I thought I wanted that job. I thought I needed that job. It was actually a good job-but for somebody else. As you said, I dreaded the very sun coming up. So I took a leap of faith and said “no” to getting up and leaving before my kids were even awake,”no” to leaving them at home all day alone (they are old enough but I still didn’t like it). I said “no” to a 45 minute commute (factoring in crazy traffic), “No” to office politics and gossip. I feel so free! Sometimes you just need to give yourself permission to say no. I’m glad you found your “no.”.
Christy
Isn’t it a fun word, Christy?
I’m so happy you have such wonderful clarity, conviction and peace of mind!
<3 you.
What a wonderful picture of you and your children!
Thank you, Sarah!!
I am so happy to find this in my inbox today! I so needed this. I to have a problem with “no”. I find myself drowning in a sea of things that really are not “that” important. I have been trying to teach myself to set my priorities to what matters most. All the other stuff will either get done or fall of the important list for good because it simply just does not help my family at all. And we won’t miss it!! Thank you Stacy for the inspiriting post. It came at the best time ever!
Just do it – say no. Ha ha!
I only have one child. But, I was a came to a breaking point when my son was 2, I had no friends, no breathing room, no time to even sit on the toilet. PRAISE THE LORD for Mother’s Day OUT, and Thursday School ( A free program at a local church for 2 hours on Thursdays.) I could have breathing room in my day, and think a deep thought. 🙂 Now, my son is in school and I am loving the time to myself. From 8 to 3:30 it’s just me, myself, and I. I can clean my house, read a book, take a nap, do what needs to be done. It is wonderful!
The bigger kids could help you with the laundry and such. 🙂 Good for you though for realizing you need time and space to breathe.
My husband and I just said no. We’very done foster care for 14 years. Our initial reason was to adopt because we couldn’t have kids. We adopted 3 bio brothers 9 years ago but continuedon’t to foster. The past 2 years was a struggle and we finally said it’s time to close that chapter in our lives. Last night we sent an email stating we were done and oh what a relief it is. I feel like the weight of the world has lifted. Praise the Lord.
A new chapter for you! How exciting, Kathy!!!!
Omgosh! Honestly, I had stopped reading your blogs and your Instagram because I couldn’t be you. I had stopped a lot of that homeschooling on since a while ago, because my oldest was such a struggle that all of us were in such a tizzy all the time. But I didn’t want to have to feel as if I still needed to measure up even though I had I had already decided that that type of homeschooling wasn’t for me. So we are trying more of an unschooling route. Which is so much more relaxing and it’s helping us to be with each other.
I’m sorry, Suzanne. It was never my intention to do that to anyone.
I’m not a mom, but I was a teacher. For two years I was in a job that I dreaded but I was in because I loved kids and just needed something to do until I had kids. Well life didn’t turn out and still no kids. My husband almost forbade me to teach anymore, because it made me miserable. So I finally quit. It was hard for me but I’m so thankful I did. I’m not still working with children in the school, just not as a teacher. My husband and I are so much happier. I’m so glad I said “no” to teaching.
Thank you for sharing your No story, Stephanie!!!
I may not be a homeschooling Mom, but this really applies to everyone. I really needed this today. You’re amazing! Thank you!!!!
Absolutely. It applies to any situation!
Precious. Love the smile! May the rest of your school year be a complete blessing! 🙂
Praying so, Marguerite!
Stacy, I love your honesty and wisdom on this! The pressure to keep up with the homeschool stars who are sharing their highlight reels on Instagram or Podcasts is not life-giving! I just watched your Periscope and I was sooo sorry when I heard that you weren’t familiar with Julie Bogart because her words have been so freeing for me and so many others. I feel like we let you down by not sharing her with you sooner! Today on her facebook page Brave Writer, she said in a video “Choose delight over dissatisfaction.” It reminded me so much of your desire to always choose joy! I think you will really like her! Thanks for all you do! https://www.facebook.com/bravewriter/?fref=ts
I immediately started following her after my video. 🙂 Thanks, Kimberly!!!
Stacy, I LOVE this picture of you! your beautiful face exudes such joy! I’m feeling so happy for you right now. My husband is currently on a year long deployment and we are living on the other side of the country from family. I think this is the first time in my life I’ve said no to so many things and haven’t felt guilty. I just want to make things as simple as I possibly can. When I lose sight of what’s really important and do things because I think its what I’m “supposed” to do, that’s when I’m miserable, and something I’ve learned is that when I’m not happy, neither are my children. It’s still a learning process for me, but one that seems to get better with age.
Amen – when I think I’m “supposed” to do it, that’s a big warning sign for me!
My comment has nothing to do with homeschooling… I’m a working full time single mom so not an option for me, but I just had to let you know something. The picture in the post with you and your children? What a great picture! You look FANTASTIC! I truly, truly mean that. I know you have had issues with your teeth/smile, but that picture… you have a BEAUTIFUL smile! LOVE IT! Hope to see more pictures like that!
Braces have made a HUGE difference in my confidence! Thank you, Shawna.
Now to get my hubby on board lol I like what we are doing so far, but he is always worried about “socialization” which…I’m working on LOL ughhhh I like saying NO to many things. But I have to make sure not to say it to TOO many.
Here is a great post about the whole “socialization” thing. She says it all wonderfully. http://unplugyourfamily.blogspot.ca/2013/10/the-truth-about-socialization.html#.V_5fGckuCJA
Every family has to choose what is right for them! Saying No to one thing is saying yes to something else…hopefully the important things 😉
Slowly working on hubby 😉 Plus my dad has asked several times (mind you, we are in our first year of homeschooling Kindy!) if we can do tests to make sure he’s where he should be LOL
He’ll come around, I think. My kids don’t struggle with social skills AT ALL. lol