Barry will tell you that’s an exaggeration. But I’m sure that by the end of this story, if you’re a woman, you’ll agree. If you’re a man…probably not. Because I think as long as men have on underwear, they consider themselves dressed. :-p I’ve already shared this on Instagram, so it might be a repeat for some. 🙂
It was the end of the service. We were leaving…having been at church for about 2 1/2 hours at that point. That’s when it happened. A blessed saint leaned over as I was leaving and said, “Dear, you do know there is a rip down the side of your top, right?” Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I’m pretty sure I had a deer in the headlights look. I laughed it off and said “No doubt! The kids have been pulling on me today.” I smiled and continued my trip out.
Inside I was screaming “DEAR GOD! PLEASE LET IT BE A TEENIE, TINY LITTLE RIP?!”
You know how sometimes God says “no?” Well….this was one of those times. I had that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I knew it was bad.
It was worse than bad. It was catastrophic. My shirt was ripped down the entire side! I quietly went to the bathroom to survey the damage. Oh-my-lanta. Most of the damage was around my bra area. I thought about fainting.
I was horrified.
Honey, here’s something you should know about me. I’m white. Like, super white. I’m talking, parts-of-me-never-see-the-light-of-day white…so with that gaping hole down the side of my shirt, there is no way that anyone missed that. No. Way. Because I was beaming like a beacon on the top of the lighthouse! WARNING! WARNING! NAKED WHITE BODY HERE.
I asked Barry, “Why didn’t you tell me!?!?!?” He didn’t see it. Annie nicely popped up and said “I saw it, Mama. I just didn’t say anything.” Great. I can change my earrings in the middle of the day and Annie will notice and point it out – but not if Mama’s entire NAKED BODY is showing?! Gotta work on that.
Praise the wonderful, blessed saint from above who told me that it was ripped. Or I could have gone elsewhere and blinded the whole community!!
Bared – naked, white side, most of the side of my bra and all my nice, mommy fat rolls. Oh dear.
It would have been like if you had taken a pair of fabric scissors and cut down the side of your seam, then went to communion in front of God and everyone.
I shall never recover!!!! Maybe I’ll switch churches. Maybe I’ll move. WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM!?
So, thankfully Barry had a t-shirt in the car (we weren’t going home) and I wore that…later, Andy proceeded to get poop on that, so my day ended in a very large, poopy t-shirt.
Some notes on this story and helpful tips for the future.
- Invest in a full length mirror.
- Having such a mirror, it is critical that you USE IT. Sheesh.
- Instruct your children to tell you any time you’re leaving the house and you have a wardrobe malfunction.
- Instruct your husband of the same…with promises to make him Laxative Brownies if he doesn’t hold up his end of the agreement.
- Never, ever EVER purchase a shirt with a zipper on the side. Never. They should be banned. BANNED I SAID!
It could have been worse. I could have gone to the front of the church with my skirt tucked up in my panties. But hey…maybe not. Because at least with your panties on, your butt is covered. I just bared my entire side with no coverage!
I promptly disposed of the shirt…because while the zipper and corresponding rip could have likely been repaired, I would never never been able to wear it again without reliving the horror over and over and over. *Shudder*
I used some Twice return-credits and purchased a pink shirt to replace it…one without a zipper. Praise the Lord.
Also, please note that the next Sunday I told the Blessed Saint “Thank you for saving my day.” I pray the pastor didn’t see. Or if he did, I pray he has a terrible memory. This now qualifies as my most embarrassing moment.
What was your worst wardrobe malfunction?
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