It’s easy to get frustrated when you feel like you’re the only one who helps out with the housework. It’s even more easy to become bitter and resentful toward the other people who live under your roof because you feel like you’re doing it all. I’m about to get real and up in your face right here. So, if you’re easily offended you might want to stop right now and move along to a motivational post from Chris Farley.
I’ve been there. I know the resentfulness that can creep into your heart. The WOE IS ME attitude that can take over and ruin your day. The feeling of, “no one respects or appreciates all the work I do around here!” I was held captive by a negative attitude a lot of the time until Crystal at Money Saving Mom popped my bubble.
Your response is YOUR responsibility. –Crystal Paine
Yours. Did you hear me? YOU are the one who has the power over your attitude and YOU are the only one who can fix it.
I can spend my days whining and complaining in my head, or I can change my thought pattern, get up off my blessed assurance and do something about the bad situation. I choose the second. Do you?
Once our attitude is wiped clean and ready to start over, there are some simple steps we can take to remedy this situation. Notice I said SIMPLE steps. Not EASY steps. Things in life that are worth it are rarely easy and often simple.
We are called to be servants
Jesus didn’t come to earth to be served. He came to SERVE OTHERS and give his life. You and I aren’t called to spend our days making sure we are all nice and comfy.
Love God. Love others.
When we realize our day isn’t about how we can serve ourselves but how we can serve others, it makes it a lot easier to clean up those Cheerios again. To wash that dirty work shirt again. To fix another meal for someone who “isn’t hungry” again. Housework is a way we serve others.
Don’t fall into a trap of martyrdom here either. It’s not about denying yourself all nice things. It’s about having a joyful heart serving others. When your heart becomes joyful, your tasks are easier and YOU are happier – the result of taking care of others in servanthood? You take care of yourself in the process.
Teach your children
This past summer here was the #summerofchores in our home. I documented our process over on Instagram with that hashtag. You can see those photos without an account.
Here’s what I’ve learned – teaching your kids to do chores TAKES TIME. Dedicate time to it, because it’s important. You’re training them for life. And once they pick it up, they’ll be able to do it alone.
The process: show them how to do it several times. After that, do it with them. Third, let them do it while you watch. Only after you’ve shown them several times, it is ok for them to do the chore alone – but you need to check in here and there to make sure they’re still doing it correctly.
It is too late for you?
“My kids are teenagers, it’s too late for me.” No it’s not. It’s only too late if you’re dead.
As parents, we can reason with teenagers. “You live here. You are a part of this family. Therefore, you help around the house. If you don’t work, you don’t eat.”
If we don’t tell our children what we expect, how can we expect them to do it? If I didn’t tell Annie that I expected her to clean the toilets – and if I didn’t show her how to do it and help her learn – would she choose to do it? No. She would choose to run around the yard chasing her brothers.
It isn’t easy to choose work – but it’s the right thing to do. We have to expect that from our kids, show them how it’s done and then help them create the habit.
Life isn’t easy. It requires work. If we teach our kids this concept before they leave the nest, they’ll be more ready to handle the real world – and less likely to live in a dump pit because they know something about housework when they move into their first home, of course if you also have a pool and you want to keep it clean, you should get a vacuum for cleaning a pool that is above ground so this part of the cleaning is easier.
My spouse doesn’t help me!
Our house runs because Barry and I both put in work. I do certain tasks and he does others. He mows, and I do laundry. He takes care of outside stuff, I take care of inside stuff. It works.
Those of you who are despairing that your spouse doesn’t care to help you with housework, let me ask you a question…have you talked with them about it?
No, I don’t mean have you NAGGED them about it. I mean, have you sat down and seriously talked with them and told them what’s important to you? Shown them your heart and asked for the help you need?
Rarely is a spouse, who loves you, going to say they don’t care about your feelings. So, talk to them, really talk to them.
And if you do find out they don’t care, then you don’t have a housework problem; you have a marriage problem. Seek wisdom and counsel from your pastor.
4 Simple steps to having help around the house:
- Choose happiness in your tasks
- Teach your children/teens to help
- Talk with your spouse
- Do your jobs with a happy heart
Don’t let yourself fall into the pit of despair because “laundry never ends! I’m washing dishes AGAIN! Why do I even attempt to mop the floor?!”
There are just things in life that we do over and over: laundry, taking baths, cleaning out our ears…
My problem isnt that im a mom and no ones helping out, im actually the child in the household. Im 14 years old and the only one who cares to pick up, my mom will load the dishwasher once a week but then wont unload it, and she’ll do some laundry but then leaves it in the dryer or sets it on the couch. my older sister doesnt do anything. my step-dad mows the lawn and takes out the trash if i ask him to. Its really hard for me to keep up after this house and school work im having to wash dishes almost 3 times a day and pick up the living room constantly. Ive asked my family to help around the house but because im the youngest they dont even take me seriously or they say yeah we know we’ll try to help out more but when it comes down to it and they actually need to help its “i’ll do it later” or “im tired i just got off work” I wish there was a way to get them to help me and this house !!!
First, I just want you to know what an epically amazing comment this is! At age 14, you are already setting yourself up for success to care for your own household – before you even have it.
Look at each opportunity as a way for you to learn how you want to care for your own home when you have it – so that when you do, you can start off with everyone on the right foot. You’re doing a good job. And I know it can feel lonely when no one else cares what you have to say, but I promise that learning these things NOW will set you up for success later. 🙂
My father-in-law lives with us (completely able bodied and minded husband just never cut the cord so to say) and he refuses to do any cleaning at all. He leaves food all over the counters and table, trash all over the floor and counters and tables, never vacuums, uses our cookware and doesn’t wash it, the floors are disgusting not even a day after I sweep and mop both bathroom and kitchen. He doesn’t clean his pee in the bathroom, never flushes, never cleans up all the hair and mess he leaves. And leaves knives where my 2 year old And soon to be newborn this fall can easily be harmed. Then he turns around and yells at me and/or my husband or even my child about a small mess we made even if I’m cleaning at that very moment.
I love taking care of my family (husband, children and myself) so when I think of “no one helping me” I think of this disgusting human being who demands any woman should after him. His many wives over the years have left him because of this his lack of boundaries and his pro violence towards women (has told my husband that he would have beaten me and put me in my place if I was his wife and threatens violence and gets irrationally angry when I tell him he should help “woman’s job” instead of watching tv ..demanding money and that I clean after him as well) so I want to say..women who’s issue is simply “my husband/kids don’t help pick up” it could be so much worse and I will gladly trade with you.
I’m so sorry to hear this, Ivy. That sounds like a hard stage for y’all. Hopefully you are able to find some help somehow.
Julie, Humorous Homemaking Team
Please talk to professionals and get him out of your home. This is abuse and a horrible accident waiting to happen.
Amen thanks for the I have learned to clean for God because thats what love is love doesnt need acknowedgement it just does with no gripping or complaining so Ive learned the love more complain less and do what God wants I am a devoted husband and father just to let others know these are problems moms and dads face everyday
Thanks so much, Lebar!
— Julie, HH Team
Hey Stacy ~
Speaking of chores and cleaning, will you do a scope about how you organize your pantry? We are in the process of redoing ours and I would love to hear what works for others and get some ideas. (ps. I’m sorry if this is not the place to make a Periscope request, I had no idea where else to do it.)
I don’t really have a pantry – just a couple shelves in my basement. Hazards of living in an old home. 🙂
You knocked this out of the park, my friend!!! And, while I’m here, let me say I love how real you are. Even the picture of your family makes me smile! We have two very happy daughters-in-law because we raised boys into men who know how to do chores. One more tidbit: When our guys were growing up, the movie “On Golden Pond” was released. There was a line spoken by the grandfather (Henry Fonda) who wanted to teach some tasks to his grandson: “What’s the use of having dwarfs if they don’t do chores!” We used it with our guys, and now they are using it!
LOL That’s hilarious!!!! Thanks for sharing!
Amen and amen! I love that you start with OUR attitude first because that is really where it all starts. Yes, we can teach our kids. Yes, we can have a talk with our husband. But even after that, if nothing changes, will we still have a good attitude? If we determine to have the right attitude and see nothing change for a long time, we can still be a happy wife and mother as we clean the toilets for the 100th time. Whenever I start getting annoyed at doing it all, I know I need an attitude adjustment! It helps to change our expectations too. Especially while training our kids to do chores. We may just have to learn to deal with less than perfect for a little while as our kids learn the ropes.
And less than perfect is OKAY! I wish I had learned that a long time ago. Thanks, Ana!
Thank you Stacy , this is exactly what my wearyofdoinggood soul needed today. Thanks for speaking the truth in love !
We all get weary! But we will reap a harvest if we do not give up!
While a little late reading this, I appreciate the reminder so much! I have been trying to be a better “me” and I realized that I was feeling resentment and bitterness that no one was offering to help me. I expressed that to my husband and we talked about it. I apologized to him for feeling that way and he understood. Our teenage children seem to be struggling with doing the minimum amount to not get in trouble. Thank you for sharing.
Thank YOU for reading – and what a good job, speaking with your husband about it! I find that I get mad at Barry over stuff that I usually haven’t talked with him about. And the problem is easily solved when I speak to him – because he’s not a mind reader. Unfortunately. Ha!
It’s like, I “KNOW” this, but I needed to remember it. Thanks for the reminder and the perfect graphic. : )
I also like to tell my kids at night “tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet”. I think it gives peace at the end of a rough day, a promise of a fresh start, and a reminder that we all make mistakes but we should really give our best.
Oh yes – I crave that new start every day. 🙂
LOL! Just today we read The Berenstain Bears and the Trouble with Chores. My 5 yr old was motivated to help me clean bathrooms, so we tackled them together. Sometimes it’s not that no one will help us, it’s that it’s easier to just do it ourselves. But the long term benefit of our training will far outweigh the momentary convenience of doing something kid-free. (I’m constantly reminding myself of this!) And to all the perfectionist Mamas of littles out there: we must remember that good enough is good enough! 😉
Your last line will be my new mantra! Thank you!
I had to learn this when I taught my kids to make their beds. Ha ha! And I will be the first to admit that it sometimes still bothers me to see them wrinkly, but hey – I didn’t have to do it so #winning.
I really enjoyed this post! Such truth here and with the comments!! Only part I have problem with is having patience with my step kids. They are only here in the summer. Once we get into a grove of chores they leave. Then the next summer I start ALL. OVER. AGAIN. I feel like I never make progress. (That’s my pitty party). My two are only 3 and 3 months so his jobs are easy and ‘fun’ for now. The 10 yr and 5 yr are the ones I stay on in the summer, only to start all over again next time they visit. But, as I read from another commentor, its just a gift I re-gift them every summer! They will grow up to know how to separate laundry and load a dishwasher and sweep and mop floors. They will know how to care for their homes, even if it’s not a constant thong in their every day lives. They will eventually grab hold and learn the skill (with little reminders 😉 )
Thanks Stacy and the wise women here!! This 27 yr mom appreciates it!!
And they’ll think of you fondly when they can do tasks that their peers cannot do – especially when they strike out on their own. Good job, mama!
I live alone & my lament is that my kitty doesn’t help me clean. This was really helpful to me. I do get annoyed about cleaning. But the the more I’ve read from you the better my heart is going to be toward cleaning. I will now clean more often than sometimes (just kidding).
Thank you for our little talk
xo
Those cats – I tell ya – they just sit around, eat and poop. Like kids. Ha ha! *totally joking*
I had to laugh when I saw the graphic of the poor momma at the top of your post. I feel just like that SO often!! And I don’t even have a dog or cat in the house, just 7 going on 8 children. My son saw dark chocolate open on the bar & asked me if he should put it away, as it’s been there since I have everyone a piece yesterday. I quickly said no. I planned to eat it myself after my husband brought the older children to prayer meeting tonight!! I need to remember that my family can’t read my mind. I feel like if I see something to be done that they should see it too. I should just kindly ask for help. Living in Clinton, LA, today we drove through miles of destruction from the recent flooding. So many people in my community would be happy to have a house to clean. Perspective…
Oh my yes – perspective and attitude can turn a day around.
Oh Stacy…my hubby and I were just having this talk. It’s like you were sending this just to me.
Thank you, I love your wisdom and the help you offer.
I’m the fly on the wall. 🙂
Amen Sister! My kids haven’t grasped that home works better if everyone does their share. This post will be shared at the dinner table tonight, than put away because no electronics at the table.
It does work better, doesn’t it? And I like your policy.
Your right that Jesus did serve others but his main purposes for coming to the earth were first his life that was sacrificed in our behalf and second he taught his followers how to pray for God’s kingdom and he preached what this kingdom will do for mankind.
The bible does tell us to train up our children and that is scriptural teaching and the necessary training to care for ones self hence Jesus was also known as the carpenters son quite a job back then.
Yes, I imagine it was a HUGE job!
Amen. Absolutely loved this post. I am 60 years old, raising two grandchildren and my husband works 1,000’s of miles away and is gone 28 days at a time and home for 14. I can very easily choose to spend my days at a pity party or I can choose to be happy with a good attitude, serving an amazing God and drinking lots of coffee. I choose the second option. Not saying I never have a pity party but you all know that.
My G-kids do have chores but I’m thinking I need to add to them.
Thanks for the encouragement, Stacey. Love you.
Oh, we ALL have pity parties. I’m at the top of the list. But the important part is not to use that party as an excuse for anything except to eat some chocolate. 🙂
This is a great topic and it reminds me of my mothers saying “Have a smile on your face and a song in your heart.” It doesn’t matter what you are doing life is always better with a smile, even if it is cleaning toilets.
And really, it’s hard to be in a bad mood if you’re singing! 🙂
Love your site, Stacy.
When it comes to help keeping the home picked up (as opposed to “clean”) I learned over 30 years ago that if I didn’t ask for help I didn’t get any. I do not demand, I do not whine, I do not make a production about how abused I am for having to do it all, I don’t NOT do whatever it is. I ASK. And the funny thing is, I get the help I need.
Your attitude is what decides whether you get the help you need.
Exactly. And mom’s attitude sets the stage for everyone’s attitude. Right on, Nola!
Stacy-
Thank you for your blog and wisdom. The older I get the less I think I know and the more I am learning to trust in the goodness of God. The daily dishes are an area that I am looking to the Lord to transform my heart. However, I try to recall one of my favorite memories of my son when he was between 1-2 came up while I was emptying the dishwasher and asked, “can I play too?” My son is now 10 and this summer I’ve learned more about becoming the mom he needs. Which at times slows down my work output, but meets his needs for today and prayerfully the future!
I always say that the older I get, the smarter my mom is – and the more I realize I am totally clueless. Ha!
I struggle so hard with this. Troy is management in a supermarket and he works hard and gives them his all. I just often feel he comes home and slumps, which I can appreciate but I still sometimes kind of resent, especially when he dumps his work / staff irritations on me. I’m like “Dude, you’re MY slacker employee when you don’t take out the garbage or you’re whiny about it.” I talk, and I nag, and he gets it for a while but I think he just is so focused elsewhere it slips away rather than he just doesn’t care. I don’t even want a lot of help, as much as support and more awareness of the house right now so that if he needs to step up I can trust him to manage. (My body is deteriorating rapidly – okay, not really 🙂 , but my back, feet and right index finger are getting bad and peri-menopause/ a cyst have hit me hard) and I worry about how I can upkeep in another 10 years, even with the amount we’ve decluttered.
Thanks for the buttkick 🙂
LOL You’re welcome…I think? 🙂
Oh, it’s a good thing. I really needed to hear this today. And coming back and reading the other commentors helps too. We all could be so much worse than we are. As someone else said, it’s all about perspective. xo
Love this! I know I have had plenty of sinful moments as I have held pity parties for myself over all the unnoticed, unappreciated housework I do. I have had to confess and ask God to change my heart. And guess what, the Living God answered my prayers! He loves to answer prayers that conform us into the likeness of His Son. There is still housework to be done (and I still have my snappy moments about it!) but I am learning to see my service as a gift I give Him and my family, and training in housework/chores a gift I give my children.
Oh, this is soooo good!
Girl, that was a sermon! You preach it!
Stacy, I just love you! I love your humor — it never fails to make me smile. Thank you for all you do. Now, to the important part: I agree wholeheartedly about the bacon — the coffee, no so much! 🙂 Keep up the good work!
From your friend (we just haven’t met yet), Dee
No coffee?! GAH!
My 6-yr old wiped the kitchen cabinet doors yesterday. The 1-yr old, ahem, helped :-). While I was scrubbing the stove, this was a good way to keep them entertained and relatively out of trouble. Did I mention clean(er) cabinet doors?
Way to go, mama!
I love every word you said!
Well thanks, Patty!