Last week’s video, 5 Minutes on Submission, hit a nerve! When we came up with the idea for the video, I never considered it would bring about such debate. I discovered that I responded to many comments on the blog and Facebook with the same basic themes:
- “I don’t respect my husband, so how can I submit to him?”
- “I am not a doormat. I refuse to submit so he can walk all over me.”
- “I can submit on most things, but when he and I disagree I just can’t let him win all the time.”
- “My husband isn’t a Christian. How can I submit to him when he’s not a believer?”
Today I want to try and help the discussion along for both sides because I believe society gives us a terrible example of what it means to be a husband or a wife.
The Bible is pretty clear that the man is to be the spiritual leader of the home (you can substitute “household” or “family” here in place of “home”). Want proof? Check out what God has to say about it. If you believe the Bible to be true (and I sure do), then we have to agree that, “All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work” (2 Timothy 3:16-17).
While there are entire books on the subject of submission in marriage, let me go back to the same three scriptures I used last week. Let’s look again at Colossians 3:19, I Peter 3:7, Ephesians 5:23-24, but this time, let’s keep digging and look AROUND those verses because context is VERY important.
- Colossians 3 is a pretty good overview of how we ALL are to live and verses 18-25 outline the various roles in the household. It even mentions the role of servants. For those looking to argue against my points, bringing the idea of servants up as being outdated doesn’t negate all the other roles mentioned.
- 1 Peter 3 addresses the issue of how wives who are married to an unbeliever can help to “win him over.” I think this advice also speaks well to the wife’s role as a help mate. Ladies, if you don’t respect your husband or if you believe he is leading your family in a wrong direction – how often do you pray about it? How often do you talk with him about it? How often do you encourage him? I’m not saying it is your fault when things aren’t working, but please make sure you’re helping the situation instead of making it worse.
- Ephesians 5 is similar to Colossians 3 in that it is an overview of how Christians and Christian households should be.
Ephesians 5 is probably the best of these three to address the husband’s role when, starting in verse 25, Paul writes, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” and then writes that husbands are to, “love their wives as their own bodies.”
Men, your responsibility to your family is greater than I can express in words, but here’s my attempt. As a husband, I must (at a minimum):
- Take responsibility for my family’s well-being
- Honor my wife
- Establish family discipline
- Love my wife so much I’m willing to voluntarily die for her
- Listen to my wife
- Lead (which means accountability for the outcomes – good or bad)
With all that out of the way, let’s get back to the discussion of submission and authority. What is biblical submission, rightly understood? Submission means to voluntarily take a position where you put your trust in someone else and heed their leadership. Submission is NOT slavery, coercion, manipulation, intimidation, misguidance or suppression. When a wife does this well, a husband generally recognizes the magnitude of his responsibility and “mans up” to lead his family. Sometimes it takes a while, especially if the husband doesn’t have Godly examples of what this looks like. I think that’s why there are several references to being patient with one another throughout scripture.
Then what is biblical authority, rightly understood? Authority means to voluntarily take a position of responsibility for the care of someone else and their needs and to accept the accountability associated with the outcomes of that position. Authority is not slave-driving, forceful, selfish or hurtful. If a husband displays his authority well, his wife will generally accept with joy the leadership of a Godly husband who wants to meet her needs and put her first. She will recognize that he isn’t dominating her, but instead is making sure she is cared for. She will understand that even though he isn’t perfect, since Christ is his model, he’s trying his best. Sometimes this also takes a while, because society teaches that men and women are equal in all things and to submit means to be a doormat. That’s a crock.
Husbands: Do you love your wife as Christ loves the church? Are you willing to die for her? Do you have her best interests at heart? Do you understand it isn’t all about you? Does your wife respect you? Do you listen to your wife? Do you lead your family? When’s the last time your wife defied you and why? Was she right to defy you and why? What is the most important thing you need to do TODAY to help your family?
Wives: Do you respect your husband? Do you voluntarily submit to his leadership? Do you encourage him to lead? How do you show him you love him? Do you understand it isn’t all about you? When’s the last time you defied your husband and why? Were you right to do so and why? What is the most important thing you need to do TODAY to help your family?
What you “think” or “feel” about how you justify the past morals are insignificant. You can justify nearly anything by a verse or two in the Bible. The real question is, how did the first Christians (who understood the language and implications of the Bible) follow the submission mandate? Sarah was praised for calling Abraham “Lord”, and submitting to her cowardly husband sending her to be a sex slave to the king. This was not done once by the fathers of faith, but twice! Each time the actions went unnoticed and uncorrected by “God”, instead the king said something!! The ones following the Bible the closest are now in the middle east. . .like how that looks for woman and equality? I love how morals have evolved to changing the Bible whenever it suits a moral and educated person, but you can’t just cherry pick and keep calling yourself a “Christian”. . .eventually “Christian” becomes impossible to even define!
This is a good article. Might I add that Dr. Laura is out there as well with some excellent books such as The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriages, and my all time Favorite In Praise of Stay at Home Moms. She really emphasizes to treat your spouse kindly and that men and women have separate roles in life. We have a favorite saying we use in our home ‘No Amount of Success Can Compensate for Failure in The Home’. It takes both people working together and treating each other with kindness and respect. Material things come and go but the most important thing in life is your Family.
I love Dr. Laura’s books – they are straight and to the point.
great article! One of my favorite audios concerning this is “how to reverence your husband” by SM Davis! Just awesome! Thanks! It is something I have to work on daily1
Don’t we all. Don’t we all. 🙂
Thanks!
Thank you for this encouragement. 🙂
What an awesome post! I am currently doing a series on biblical submission! You nailed it! “Submission means to voluntarily take a position where you put your trust in someone else and heed their leadership.”
Best description ever.!
thank you for both the video and this post – it is refreshing to have this perspective put out there, as I was just having a conversation with my supervisor today about how men’s roles have changed in society, and not for the good. She does not get it, and sometimes it can be very lonely to be the voice of (Biblical) reason. I enjoy having a place for both my husband and myself to read when you post about these issues. Keep running the race!
Great example!
One of the best examples I have heard to describe what biblical submission is, is that submission means to get under and lift up. As wives we have many roles and responsibilities, but I think the greatest one is to support and lift up our husbands in prayer.
Thanks for sharing your story. I hate to see God’s word being used as a license for “abuse” of anyone. Submission NEVER equals abuse.
Thank you Barry (and Stacy), for a very balanced video and blog post. Sadly, I grew up in a church where women were doormats, and their husbands abused the word submission in every way possible. The women were not allowed to speak up or “have a vote” about anything. It was very cult-like, and some of the things that these women were willing to put with or do for the sake of submission was horrible. Because of my being raised in this type of environment, I tend to go to extreme opposite side of this is my own marriage. Thank you so much for the reminder and for bringing me back to the middle of the road. 🙂
🙂
If Christians are to reflect Christ – and Christ submitted to the Father, I don’t understand the problem. Well, when I first became a wife and didn’t understand the beauty behind Biblical submission – I had a problem with it. Now, I see the beauty of being like Christ – allowing Him to change me from my need to be in control to submitting to His authority in my life, thus giving me the freedom to submit to my Husband and be the wife He created me to be. Thank you for this post. I pray many are blessed by it.
Thanks for this encouragement. As the husband, just because I’m the “leader” doesn’t mean I don’t also have to submit. The Bible makes it clear I have to submit to Christ, submit to the earthly authorities, etc. The idea that no one ever has to submit to anyone else is a bit silly to me.
Very true.
Hi Elizabeth. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the subject, no matter how strong your approach in doing so. You’ve obviously decided I’m wrong and my simple interpretation of Biblical principles is as well – that’s your choice to make (praise God we live in a nation where that is still allowed…mostly).
Our comment policy is only to disallow comments that don’t take the conversation forward in some manner. We encourage discussion, even if it means someone disagrees with what we have to say.
I’m glad you have found a method in your marriage that works for you. What we presented in the video and what I presented in my post represent what the Bible says about submission, not what you must believe about it.
Yikes! I was really getting into this blog until I read all this stuff about submission. I feel so grateful to be in a loving, respectful marriage where we are equals and do not need to spend time worrying about who is the “leader”
and who is the “help mate”. We are true “partners” in parenting, running our house, our business, and living out meaningful lives. I think the need to describe women as “help mates” is derogatory and misogynist – period. Verses from the Bible can be interpreted in many ways, and used to support very different ideas – hence all the wars and violence people have wrongly masked in the name of God. My deep feeling is that Jesus and God advocate and demonstrate a profound, pure, unconditional, blind love through which all men and women are equal. If Jesus were to enter a social or political discussion today, I believe he would perpetuate equality and love, not outdated domestic hierarchies from several CENTURIES ago.
But you don’t want to hear this from some tyrant woman who obviously doesn’t know her place, right? I must be in some unholy relationship of some sort – My husband needs to establish his leadership! I wonder if you will even allow this to posted on the blog.
And as I fail along the way, knowing what is supposed to be give me something to always strive for. I bet we’d all be surprised at how few men and women out there know what the Bible really has to say about submission. I know a selection of them have made it a point to tell me I’m wrong on this topic! ;0)
🙂
Great ideas! Thanks for adding to the conversation.
Perseverance. Keep it up. Don’t give up. If/when it is supposed to happen, IT WILL. Claim it now.
Thank you Barry! Encouragement from a stranger who doesn’t even know me or my situation completely is so wonderfully humbling. We were debt free as of about April, so our next step is the emergency fun and it is absolutely critical to my husband that we get it built up before starting a family. It takes (some) of the pressure off of him as the leader.
THANK YOU for posting this mini series. I have read through all of the comments on the original post, facebook and here. And I must say I love what people have to say about this topic. “Hearing” from women who have been where I am is so encouraging.
I am working really hard on being submissive in the way I should. This isn’t always easy. I feel for the reader who said she is jobhunting because that is what her husband wants. I am in the same boat, I’m working because that is what my husband wants. My salary goes into building up our emergency fund for when we start a family. My heart yearns for my household but it’s not where I’m supposed to be right now. If only there were ways to make it agree with my brain.
Great input. Thank you so much for living your life for Christ out in the open to share with the world. Iron sharpens iron:)
I strongly feel that “submit” is actually supposed to be “respect” which brings a new light into the scripture for myself. We have the best, most stable marriage that I know of. We never argue. We put each other before ourselves and treat each other with respect. It does work well. If we strongly disagreed, because of respect, we can find our solution. If we disrespect each other then we are able to dismiss the others wishes or beliefs and try to force our side.
There is also a scripture about submitting “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” IF this too is taken as respect – this could be also calling the husband to submit to the wife? Or is it better translated as respect.
I believe in the version of respect as a more correct translation.
🙂
Haven’t heard of that book, but thanks for adding it as a resource for us!
Her husband, Michael Pearl has written Created to Need a Help Meet and my sweetie, who is not all into reading stuff like this, devoured it and said it was the best book AND bought several copies to hand out.
AMEN!
I would second your call to husbands – men, don’t wait for your wives to follow…give them something worth following!
EXCELLENT POINT! Thank you for adding this thought. If all of us could truly love unconditionally, I can only imagine the different place our world would be.
I almost never hear someone say the husband has the harder end of the deal. Each time I think things are hard for me, I’m reminded of both times I watched Stacy give birth. I think, whether or not I have it tougher part of the deal, that I’ll stick with the man’s role. ;0)
Kim, thanks for sharing your story on this. I especially like that “…the change in our marriage has been incredible” part because it proves the point well that when we respect each other and allow things to work as they’re designed, the outcome is almost always better.
Great addition to the discussion. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I’m finding that once those who aren’t so sure about the whole “submission thing” see real-life examples and the true definition of what it means, it makes a LOT of difference in their thoughts. Novel gladly accepted. 🙂
Keep praying for his attitude to change. This is a BIG issue for husbands and wives and if you’re meant to stay at home, God will make it possible AND show you and your husband how to make it work!
Rebecca’s story saddens me. She didn’t mention children, but I had a similar situation two decades ago. I thought it was very important to be an at-home mom and to homeschool our children. Three of our four children are grown and out of the house, and they would not have had the same upbringing had I ‘submitted’ to my husband’s fear of the loss of my very small income. I prayed for his attitude to change, but all along, it WAS possible (financially) because I did it and we are still fed and clothed. My ‘submission’ has been to hold part-time jobs I could do from home, in part, WHILE being a mostly at-home mom. My children thrived. I am still resentful toward my husband. Some things you just can’t wait on, or the time for it will pass by.
Great points! Thanks for adding to the discussion.
VERY GOOD point! For a family to attend a good church means each person in the family has Godly people with whom they can confide, share and develop spiritually. In the man’s case, I appreciate the fact that I have someone who, if he sees me going astray, has my permission to call me on it. Simple, but POWERFUL support system.
Thanks for those words of encouragement. Based on feedback from other readers, I can assure you it is still a hotly debated and disagreed-upon topic. But that’s why I wanted to bring it up. I always want to be able to intelligently defend my beliefs, whatever they may be.
Given what you have posted here; and if I were in a relationship as you describe, it not only would be ‘easy’ to follow, but it would be a pleasure.
I think the more men that can BE this, the more women there will be who can become this kind of partner/help meet.
Duncan, you make valid points that society is much different now than then and the process of canonizing what we call the Bible today was a selection process of numerous texts which occurred long, long ago. That being said, I don’t think the message is lost. Whether from a religious or research perspective, I still firmly believe the biblical principles are a valid model for living. There is where you and I likely disagree, and that’s okay. My reason for dedicating another week’s post to this idea of marital roles (submission and authority between husband and wife, specifically) is to ensure the warped idea society has of these roles is at least challenged and discussed, even if not changed. Thanks for adding your perspective to the discussion!
I thoroughly enjoyed last weeks video and think a great book to direct people to is Created to Be a Help Meet by Debi Pearl
Yes, that book is awesome! Changed my life ( :
Excellent post!!! It is so true and I’m glad to see someone who is willing tackle this topic! We are celebrating our 22nd anniversary soon and this has been one of the major keys to our happy marriage. My husband is not always right, nor is he always wrong, (same goes for me) but my husband is always the leader regardless whether or not it seems like it, or if I agree. It is such a freedom to be able to rest in the Lord knowing that HE is leading my husband and through Him, He is leading me. I do have a vibrant (some days are more vibrant than others) relationship with the Lord. But the decisions don’t rest with me, they rest with them. I saw times when we were not in a place spiritually that we should’ve been, that God still used my husband and lead Him as a leader. Some decisions will only come from and through the top. Blessings to you both! 🙂
Wow.
I always love your posts Stacy (especially since they usually make me laugh!). I wanted to thank you for this post. I think too often as Christian women in todays society we don’t really understand what “submit” to your husband means in biblical terms, and I think too often we forget to include what the bible says it the husbands roll. Too many women want to reject it completely because they don’t want to “submit” or they take it to the other extreme and the husbands “rule” the home with an iron fist and never take into consideration that God gave them a wife as a help mate (and gave her a brain as well). I think too many Christians especially very conservative ones tend to go too far in the latter direction. People like to refer to the proverbs 31 woman, but if you truly read the chapter, God is not portraying a timid, weak, beaten down woman. He portrays a strong, loving, supportive woman with a passion for her family and maybe even a little opinionated! lol A marriage is something God meant to be a partnership, and if both partners are trying to take on the same roll the partnership doesn’t work.
Thank you, Barry, for addressing a “hot topic”. So many can not understand Biblical submission. I think that when you realize (and accept) God created marriage as an example of Christ and his church it helps to make it more clear. Another thought to add to what you’ve written – yes, Christ physically died for the church but I think God is calling the husbands to die to themselves daily (die to their own wants and needs) and in this way they show Christ’s love to their families. I would humbly challenge husbands to “go first” and take on their role (as Christ did – “we love him because He 1st loved us”) and not wait for their wives to be submissive before they act. 🙂 Many blessing to you and Stacy. I enjoy Stay’s blog very much!
May I add that those passages do not say our attitudes and treatment of our spouses are conditional depending on the spouses treatment of us, I vowed to my husband and the Lord that I would be a good faithful wife no matter what my husband does or does not do. Didn’t Jesus lay down His life for us “while we were yet sinners” and hated Him (Romans 5:8)? This is the example I should follow. I know some women are in very tough marriages and I can;t imagine how hard this might be for them, but we know God is good, kind, and near to those who are obedient to Him.
I very much enjoyed your post. You’re absolutely right, submission is a CHOICE! No you can force you to submit, because ultimately it’s a heart issue. 🙂 Submission can be SOOO hard, that is one reason we women have such a hard time. Especially when we feel that our husband is making the wrong choice. But unless he is direct disobedience to God’s word, we are called to submit. I have to say husband’s have the harder end of the deal. 😉 Responsibility is on their shoulders and they are called to love their wives unto death. 🙂
My husband and I don’t consider ourselves Christian, but we do take these “traditional” roles in our marriage as well. Maybe if we take out the word “submissive” it would be better accepted? For us its a place of trust and love. What I do for the family, hubby needs to trust and love how the household is being run. I need to trust and love that my husband is steering our family in the right direction. I didn’t come to this until reading another blogger (who has sadly stopped) had written posts about loving, admiring, trusting and RESPECTING the hard work your husband does…. and if you do that, you don’t focus so much on what he hasn’t noticed. I only wish I had done this when our child was young and I was at home full time. I have since apologized to him and the change in our marriage has been incredible. I don’t feel less than him in my role, if anything I feel he lifts me up. My needs and our sons needs come first for him. Thank you for posting about this touchy subject. I think there will always be folks that strongly disagree, I just wanted you to know that you have a reader that understands exactly what you are talking about. This is also for your readers that feel you have to be a believer to follow and enjoy these roles.
Positively excellent!
I love an appreciate this follow up! Because of society, this concept is so hard. I think people are just scared of getting trampled and screwed over, which is really sad especially in a marriage relationship. Our need to protect ourselves overrides our ability to trust someone else will take care of our needs. For me being submissive to my husband or respecting him (however you want to word it) plays out like this: asking his wishes on the menu, consulting him on kid stuff even though I’m home all day, checking with him before spending money (if possible- and I’m in charge of finances so he checks with me too), checking with him before making plans, not talking smack to friends or family. We haven’t had many times where we really disagree and I need to choose to submit to his decision. We have some of those times coming up with possible moving, and job changes coming in the future. We’ve made the mistake of me wearing the pants more in our relationship (mostly in dating) and it didn’t work out well!! It made my hubby feel unimportant and me frustrated because I was trying to fill a role I’m not meant to fill. Sorry for the novel!
I have an example that I am living right now, that I believe shows submission, without being a doormat. About a month ago, I found out I would be losing my job, effective immediately. After talking to my supervisor about it, I was okay with it. I have always wanted to stay home, and this seemed like the perfect opportunity. When my husband got home that evening, I told him. He did not react the same way as I had. Though he is a Christian and leads our home well, he is a bit materialistic. He told me that I could stay home, if I could come up with a budget that was $0. So, guess what this nerd did! I came up with a budget that worked. Yes, it was a bit, just a bit, okay, very minimalistic, it worked. Well, when he got home from work I showed it to him. He wasn’t impressed! So, I am currently job hunting. Do I want to work? No. Do I have the best attitude some times? No, but I am submittting, without being a doormat.
Rebecca, I read your post and thought I may be able to give you some ideas to help you, there for you help your husband. You might be able to show him how much more money you would have if you had time at home to try to save money. What I have done, for example, is shown my husband that If I stay home, we don’t have child care cost. This would be a huge expense for us. I no longer buy anything convenient and I home-school. So maybe while you are looking for employment these could be things that over that time you show him how much more you could have staying home. I have been able to make his lunches, laundry soap, really good meals for cheap, pay the bills and really go over with him how much money we have saved by me doing these things. I do know that this does not work for everybody, but I thought it may be an idea for you to try if you like, without being disrespectful to your husband of course. It is my motto that “I make more money staying at home trying to save money, than I would working for someone else.” I show my husband everything I do and he supports me 100%. This last month (July) was my biggest yet, when I could show him we saved $1,000 this month!! I was proud and so was he. Did I mention we have four kids? Money saved is money earned and it will continue to grow. Sorry this post is so long, I just wanted to share this idea. Staying at home is work. There are so many benefits to the family, other than financial. I am so blessed to have the opportunity. I just hope I could help you a little with ideas.
I just want to comment about one of your readers comments “but my husband isn’t saved” I can testify that Biblical Submission change women it also can lead our husbands to Christ. If your husband is lost its your ministry as a Christian to be Jesus to him. As the body of Christ that is our goal. Lee Strobel author of The Case for Christ set out to disprove Christ because his wife started attending church and it wasn’t his vision, he noted in his DVD that she changed – she was just so loving and nice in his work to disprove, He Found Jesus and it all started by his wife’s submission. May I recommend John McArthur’s book “divine design” there are so many great resources.
I think it’s great that y’all are talking about this. My husband and I are first generation Christians and have been married for over 20 years. We still struggle from time to time but praise the Lord each year gets better and better. I was taught to lead… my husband was taught to be passive. That is like oil and water and totally backwards from God’s design for the marriage.
I would also like to point out that it is so helpful to be attending a sound church. This helps both the husband and the wife to see other role models and learn from them.
Blessings,
Janet…mamachildress
countrylivingmama.blogspot.com
EXCELLENT, Barry! Excellent! That is exactly right! However, the last time I saw anyone who ‘got’ this was years ago (the ’80’s) when I worked at John MacArthur’s Grace Community Church in CA. Until then, it has been twisted and distorted and manipulated and greatly misunderstood. Both the men and the women need to have a clear understanding of what it is, and what it isn’t, and you two do. The more men who understand this and will lead by example and mentor other men who can all make it a primary focus in the Church and Community, the better off society will be. Absolutely wonderful job, Barry and thanks for sharing.
Good post, Barry! This is a hard issue to write and read for most! I heard all of this before, but sometimes it is hard to walk in! Now that I am older (61), I am still walking it out, but better! I defer to him more often and we are able to talk things out easier because we are older! We are on the same page and tend( not always) not to let emotions rule the day or issue!
I will begin by saying I am not a Christian so my view of this discussion is based upon research rather than religious belief. The books of the bible still existing were written by men who lived 2000 years ago. (Archeologists believe there were once many more books, including more than 400 versions of the gospel, but they have over the years been set aside by the church.) Social concepts such as “marital submission” were devised for a society that existed 2000 years ago but does not exist now. That ancient society treated women as chattels and viewed them as incapable of making their own decisions. (It also kept slaves.) Thankfully, in the succeeding millennia we have come to recognize that women are different from men, but equal. We are chattels no more. Both men and women are intelligent, independent, self determining human beings and, as such, can only achieve success within relationships of any sort – marriage, friendship, business – when treated as equal partners. Equal partners make decisions by consensus, not through submission.