
Today we’re back with another “5 Minutes On” video. This week, we decided to tackle a specific question that came from a woman responding to our last video about fighting with your spouse and also touches a bit about working in your strengths as we discussed in the video about how we divide up chores around the Myers household. What was the question? How do you submit to your husband?
As a man and a husband, the idea of the “modern family” where everyone has an equal say just doesn’t work for me.
It makes no sense to claim everyone is equal. That doesn’t mean the man or woman is better or that one must literally “rule” the other as a master and slave. It means there is a natural hierarchy, and one outlined pretty clearly in the Bible:
- Ephesians 5:“Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.”
- Colossians 3: “Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.”
- 1 Peter 3: “Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. “
There are plenty of examples that indicate the man is to be the leader of the home. But I put in three of the more specific scriptural references above because I believe they best outline my points:
- Husbands are to lead the home
- Husbands have the ultimate responsibility to God for their families
- Wives are to support their husbands
- Wives are to be an example of purity and reverence
- This approach doesn’t work unless both of you realize your role
I guess that pretty much sums up my view on it all. Nonetheless, before you call me a sexist pig, we add quite a bit of commentary in this week’s video that clarifies those points. Check it out below.
Now for the big question – does this work in your family? If so, how? If not, why not?
My husband and I do the exact opposite. I think it makes a lot of sense to pick your role that reflects your inner self best and stick to it. Makes things smoother. But it doesn’t always means a wife submitting to a husband; again, my husband and I are opposite of the post. And it’s the smoothest happiest relationship he and I have ever had. That’s my 2 cents.
Thanks for chiming in. 🙂 We choose to follow this model because it’s the biblical mandate that we’ve been given.
What are his strengths? Those are the areas that his leadership is going to shine. If you’re able to ‘helpmeet’ him in your areas of strength, you may be able to help offset his weaker areas. That’s not necessarily ‘not submitting’, but it really needs to be done with a lot of sensitivity, so that you’re honoring him for who he is.
In other words, you can ‘helpmeet’ by doing administrative type work, but that doesn’t positionally make you the leader.
I also find that if I see an area of weakness in my spouse, that it’s best to address it privately later (and un-emotionally) and come up with a signal, code word, or a strategy to deal with it the next time it comes up. Again…to support him in his role in your family.
Great input, Gwen! Thanks for adding to the discussion on this post.
Egalitarianism doesn’t work on any level, least of all in a family! There’s a great video from a Southern Baptist (or at least he sounds pretty Southern and pretty Baptist :p) preacher named S. M. Davis called The 7-Fold Power of a Wife’s Submission. For any woman bucking against the idea of submission (which, having been raised in a predominantly feminist nation, most of us women do), I’d consider that video and this blog post an excellent resource. And your Bible 🙂 Thanks for the post!
Thanks for sharing this resource!
First, KEEP PRAYING. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” (Philippians 4:6). Second, if your husband is not the spiritual leader he should be but is a deacon in the church, there should be some Godly men around him that can help him “man up.” As his helper, you should encourage him to talk to those men. I have said before and will say again – many men have never seen it done right and so they don’t know what they’re doing wrong.
Third – TV?! TV?! Are you kidding me?! If TV is coming between your marriage, TV has to go. He is tuning in to TV and out to you for a reason. Ask him, specifically, what that reason is…and then be prepared for the answer.
Okay, sorry for getting on my soapbox on this one, but REALLY!? God called your husband to lead – it sounds like your husband just hasn’t quite caught on to what that means yet.
I’m at a loss about how to encourage my husband to take on the spiritual duties of head of the family. We go to church, but beyond that, he doesn’t lead us in prayer or devotions or anything. I long ago gave up on trying to get him to pray with me. I homeschool my kids so I have tried to guide them in spiritual matters but the absence of their father’s interest in their spiritual upbringing is a problem. We have talked about it many times but nothing seems to change. I know he is a Christian, even a deacon in our church but he is so focused on work, at work and at home….or the TV in the evenings. Sometimes I look at that TV and imagine myself pulling it out by the wires and chuncking it into the street! I’m tired of talking about it…nothing changes. I still pray about it, though.
🙂
In the beginning of our marriage, the concept of submission was foreign to me. Coming from a very feminist upbringing, I was taught to believe that submission was the equivalent of handing over my personhood and totally forsaking my own identity. I am an easygoing person but a natural leader. I didn’t go against what my husband said in early marriage but I didn’t do all I could to support his leadership, either. After my son was born, nobody was leading and we experienced some unexpected marital difficulties. We sat down together and figured out the problem was that neither of us were fulfilling our proper marital roles. So, we took a few months to work intently on just that and then renewed our wedding vows. Contrary to what I was taught growing up, I did not lose my identity. LOL! I am still the same progressive independently thinking woman. I just have less work to do because I am not trying to carry the whole burden at home. And, my husband struggles less because he feels useful and important in our home. It is a win-win for everyone! I am still very much a leader outside the home in various capacities and without all the extra work at home I actually have more energy for that. Plus, our marriage is incredibly happy and blessed. What a miracle as two people who both came from single-parent households, raised by women who had to do all the work themselves. I’m quite sure that’s how we both learned to be so self-sufficient and to do it all ourselves; but knowing we don’t have to and that marriage works better when we don’t is a relief. We went through all of this six years ago now and everything is still smooth sailing.
Hello Stacy, found your site by accident and I love it. I absolutely agree with what you and your husband said about submission. I find it fairly easy to submit to my husband because I know he always has my best interest at heart. I do however have a little more attitude than I should some days. God and I a working on that!
🙂 As the husband, I can assure you we also struggle with leading sometimes too.
Are you members of a church? What does your church practice? If he has you all going to a Seventh Day Adventist church, then I can see where he would get his view. I would seriously consider buying “The Lord’s Day” by Joseph Pipa: http://www.bookdepository.com/Lords-Day-Joseph-Pipa/9781857922011
In it, he talks about how when Jesus rose from the dead on the first day, he instituted a new day for the Lord’s Day. God rested on the 7th day when He finished creating the world, but when Jesus rose from the dead and had his glorified body and defeated death, it was a new creation. So the first day is the new Sabbath, “The Lord’s Day”. Maybe buy that book and read it, and have your husband read it. That might clear up some confusion!
Hahahahaha…I always love your comments!
As a wife, I definitely could do a better job. It’s sad how the world has made marriage and God’s design such a terrible thing. People sure are missing the blessings that come from a God centered marriage.
Amen.
I’m so glad I didn’t miss this. I almost did. Busy, busy. Jesse and I were talking with the kids at dinner one night this weekend and he told the kids “Your mom is different from a lot of women. She’s submissive.” And I nearly fell under the table laughing. It’s true, but it’s still the funniest thing I ever heard. Me. Heh. God is truly transformative. 😉 However, if my husband tells me to make a sammich, I will go make him a sammich. I don’t get to wait for him to deserve my submission before I do it. That said, he has never given me an order like that, and if he did, I’d suspect a brain tumor.
I would like to unsubscribe from your blog. How do I do that?
In the next email that you receive you’ll see an unsubscribe option at the very bottom. Choose that and you should be taken care of.
I remember when somebody told William F Buckley to cancel his subscription. Buckley said “Cancel your own damn subscription.” You, my dear, are a paragon of restraint.
🙂
This is a TOUGH one. He is the spiritual leader of your family and if you know he is wrong on something, you are to help him know it. Doing so in a loving and supportive way is the hard part. If he is wrong on a trivial matter it isn’t a big deal, but on something you know is life-changing, you should approach your husband and share your concerns with him. A great way I’ve found to have these tough discussions is to ask the person to “help you understand” their position and be ready to gently defend yours.
My last reply (and it looks like I replied to the wrong person. I give up. Seriously.) assumes that his desire to keep the Sabbath (and not do the other things) is a sincere desire to please God (I can see how that can happen) and not seeking another gospel because he doesn’t find Christianity without Judaism to be good enough. That is the “another gospel” against which Paul warned.
Awesome answer, Barry.
🙂
Good job!
🙂
Sorry my comment is a little late. I totally agree with everything said here. My husband is a wonderful, Godly man and most of the time submission is not a problem for me. We are a lot alike and don’t have a lot of disagreements anyway! But there are a couple very serious issues we cannot agree on. My hubby does not agree with celebrating Easter or Christmas because of the pagan origins. He also believes in keeping Saturday as the Sabbath. I have opposite views. It is very difficult to just follow him in these areas. Especially now that we have children. This isn’t something we argue over a lot, but when it does come up…..WATCH OUT!!! Any advice? Am I being un-submissive?
I’m late to this party, but since the Bible says let no man judge in holy days or sabbaths, go with your husband. That cuts both ways, doesn’t it? The passage is actually *against* the enforcement of sabbaths, but in this case I think it could. Sabbath keeping is not Biblical, given the new covenant, but it’s probably not important enough to butt heads over with the head of your household. God will sort it out. I hope. I’d hate to be giving bad advice. 😉
Another great video! This one I wished was longer. ( ;
This concept was so foreign to me until earlier this year. I read a book called “Created To Be His Help Meet.” It seriously changed my life. I was raised to be strong, independent, and needing no man, so it was hard for me to change my thinking, but like the book said, doing so is honoring God. When I submit to my husband and be the wife God has called me to be, I am honoring Him. When I defy my husband and try to “wear the pants,” I am dishonoring God. I had never thought of it like that, and it sure did make a HUGE impact on me!! I get weird looks and mean comments from some people when I say things like “let me check with my husband first,” but I don’t care. Its the way things were created to be. ( :
The first example of this that comes to mind is the hierarchy of disciplining our children. When I am home, it is my responsibility to mete out any necessary discipline. Whether that means spanking, time out, grounding or whatever in your household (that’s a whole different discussion altogether), when Daddy is home, Daddy must be the one to maintain order in the home and Mommy will defer to Daddy on those issues of discipline. Another one that is for us is the issue of finances. Stacy and I do the budget together and both must agree on it. However, if there are conflicting priorities and a difficult choice has to be made, it falls on my shoulders to make it. Why (on both of these issues)? Because I am responsible to God to care for my family. If I fail, I answer to God. I’m not allowed to pawn off that responsibility and when a husband realizes the HUGE responsibility he takes on when he says ‘I do,’ he usually mans up. And when he messes up, his wife is there to help pick him up and get him going again (help mate, you know).
Excellent suggestion. Thanks for chiming in!
We’ve had a lot of negative comments, especially on Facebook. But I think you’re right – only looking from the standpoint of a woman when she has seen the man’s role played out poorly, it makes “submission” look like a terrible idea. But when a man realizes the magnitude of his responsibility and takes it seriously, “submission” is not such a big deal anymore because the husband will constantly be looking out for his family’s best interests instead of just his own.
Sorry you’ve had negative feedback! I loved your video and shared it with my husband! 🙂 Submission is widely misunderstood but a very much needed topic in our marriages today! Keep on keeping it real.
Them’s college words right there. But you’re right!
Sorry, Janet. Sound wasn’t super great on this video. We don’t have any fancy equipment. Just my iPhone on a tripod. 🙁
Hey Colleen, as a man, my best advice is to put your husband in a position where he recognizes the magnitude of his responsibility as leader of the family. If you don’t respect him, it is likely because he has failed a lot (forgiveness will help you overcome this) or because he doesn’t take his responsibility seriously. I truly mean it when I say “the buck stops here” with me. I can’t say I’m in charge of our family and not take responsibility for the good and bad.
If he isn’t willing to change, get some Godly men from your church to take him to a dark alley and help him change his mind. 😉 Just kidding…mostly.
Thank you, Barry. A man’s perspective always helps.
I also find that my “submission” many times ends up being of the “Fine!” variety – as in, “Fine! Have it your way!” with a cold shoulder the rest of the day. NOT very biblical, and certainly not showing respect for my husband and his decisions. (Not very submissive, either!)
You guys have certainly given me a lot to think and pray about. Thank you again.
Exactly.
Well said. If I, as the husband, take my role as leader of our family seriously, I will not make decisions lightly that affect us. Even more, if my wife disagrees with something I think we should do, I stop IMMEDIATELY and check to make sure it is really the thing to do. Being a truly biblical husband is a BIG responsibility.
Amen! Preach it! 🙂
Submission is so often wrongly defined in our culture – BIBLICAL submission is not the same as WORLDLY submission.
We like to stir the pot a little around here. People get fired up sometimes but a good “discussion” (debate/argument) is always fun.
The only way I get to be in charge is when I put God first, my family second and me third.
🙂 Excellent comment!
Submission does not equal allowing domination or abuse (to go to an extreme to make my point). God expects the husband to play his role and the wife to play hers. Submission is a word that is misdefined in our culture way too often. Please don’t lose respect for your husband, especially since his issue is medical. God has him that way for a reason so work with him to find the right way to submit and maybe in your case, more importantly, help him to know and understand his role as well.
Thanks for this message; I think it is often misunderstood! I was wondering if you could give an example if submission. I try daily to have a submissive attitude, but I am not sure that I achieve it when it comes to specific situations!
Shouldn’t the man be the head of the workplace or the farm? Why the home? Aren’t women typically “home-makers”? How can women “make the home” without autonomy? What if what God tells us women doesn’t get translated to our husbands because your husband is brilliant and thoughtful but not so much of a believer? Should I submit to him then? Should I follow what he says over what God says if when there is a conflict? Should we good women leave them in “the world” and forsake our duty to be God’s helper to bring them and our closer to the Lord? Yeah I know dealing with an unbeliever… doesn’t happen in your world. My husband is much more of a believer than he used to be. Yeah I know. All Christians go to heaven… but I like to believe there is a special place in heaven for those who brave the fire to be… converters. 🙂
Wow – way too many questions to really address in a simple comment, but all good questions to make sure are dealt with. Man is head of the family, which means he is over the household, not necessarily the “house.”
Wives should be a model of purity to their husbands, but it is the husband’s responsibility to God to lead as God commands (as Christ loved the church). If he is falling short, that is his issue to work out with God. The wife’s role to submit is to submit to her husband AS TO GOD (in other words, in righteousness, not in the support of sin).
Hope that scratches the surface and gives you some food for thought.
I think Paul does an great job of addressing wives married to unbelievers, and their role. In that situation, the husband is still in the position of authority over the household, even if he doesn’t recognize the God that he’ll one day answer to.
You can also see from Proverbs 31, where the wife is VERY much in charge of the running of her home, and she does so in a way that is honoring to her husband.
IMO, the Holy Spirit is the ‘converter’ and not me.
Hi Stacy,
I enjoyed this, truly! I must admit I am not good at submitting. I understand completely the why, and even (mostly) the how and when. But my husband has unmedicated ADHD, resulting in a whole host of issues such as impulsivity, memory problems, disorganization, listening and attention problems, etc. It wreaks havoc in our household and has caused me to lose some respect for him. He will not admit to having it nor consider taking medication. Hence, I have difficulty submitting. He is a committed Christian man, I thank God for that.
And I LOVE how Andy shakes his head when Barry says the man is completely and 100% in charge….he is learning young! Great job! 🙂
When you have a God-fearing husband, who follows THE Rule Book (Bible), and he puts yours needs above his own, you don’t have a lot of trouble letting him have the final say. There have been (what I call useless things) that we have disagreed on the past 34 years, but they are not important. When a Godly husband makes a decision it is for the good of the whole family. I agree to submitting to your husband because I have been so blessed with this husband I have…..
This is a difficult, yet important discussion that goes well with the topic on chores. Thank you for sharing all aspects of your faith, in a relaxed, humorous way, even the “controversial” bits! 🙂
You guys are the best! Amen to spiritual submission, and I’m with you Stacy, it takes a huge burden off my chest to allow my husband to make the final decisions.
great post! I’ve been married for 12 years, and I have 4 kiddos. I submitted my life to Christ 4 1/2 years ago and this issue is something I struggled (still struggle! sometimes) with. But when I became a Christian, this is something I prayed hard about. It’s only been about the past 3 years or so that I finally understood the meaning of biblical submission. I think for people who are “against” it or do not understand, it’s almost impossible to explain (as I was one of those people for years!!). For me, personally, it was only with intentional prayer for God to change my heart regarding this issue, as well as seeking wise counsel from Christian friends who understood what submission meant; I also had to trust that God would help show me the true meaning of submission. God was faithful to answer that prayer! My husband became a Christian the year we got married, and this issue would come up frequently. But, because we weren’t on the same spiritual page, it didn’t work; as you said Stacy, you can’t have one without the other and because I didn’t understand why/ how to submit to my husband, it did not work. Understanding what it means now, biblical submission is something that does work for our family and I’m so grateful that we are following God’s word about it!! Again, this was a great post (video)- very well stated. (and little Andy is a doll!!!)
Wow! You are brave to touch on this subject, nonetheless, we practice this in our household and we have a very peaceful home. It works. The Bible is a good rule book. Thanks!
I already commented on facebook but I just wanted to say that you are right. Submission doesn’t work when the husband doesn’t love his wife as Christ loved the church because then the husband tends to be more selfish and it makes the submitting hard. It is easy to submit when you are both following what God tells us in the Bible. I’m Baptist and believe in salvation- that said, I didn’t get saved until after highschool and I was raised to be very independent and am naturally stubborn with a temper. Once I was saved my temper kind of cooled it a little but the stubborn is well, A LITTLE MORE STUBBORN! 🙂 Anyways- I believe that waiting for the husband that God would have for you makes submitting easier because you are 2 parts of a whole and there is less friction. When you are following what God has told us to be the true and right way to operate within a marriage it doesn’t usually feel like submitting. In 8 years of marriage (with two stubborn people) I can only ever remember 2 times when I had to say “ok, you’re the head of the house and if that is what you think Is best we’ll do it your way”. God knows what he is doing. Maybe some women have a hard time with the idea of submitting because they don’t trust their husbands to make the right choices and that is a sad thing but the way to fix that is by submitting and working on that trust. I married my best friend and I would trust him with my life and the lives of my children …so why would I not trust him with the day to day things?
I think a lot of people mentally equate submission with blind obedience and they’re not the same.
Thank you for sharing. I think this is something I need to work on A LOT more. I wish you had defined ‘respect’ a little bit more, since that is what it comes down to. I feel I have lost respect for my husband, and I want to get it back. How can I do that, if he isn’t willing to change? Regardless, I do need to submit. You’ve given me a lot to think a bout. Thanks again, guys!
Hey y’all! I really enjoyed this topic being discussed. Wish we were neighbors… y’all are so down to earth. 🙂
I will say that I have my computer volume and Youtube volume all the way UP and the sound still doesn’t come through so great. Any ideas on that?
Looking forward to your next topic.
Blessings,
Janet..mamachildress
countrylivingmama.blogspot.com
Amen. Complimentarianism (as opposed to egalitarianism) has really gained a foothold back in North America, It’s encouraging to see other like-minded people out there! 🙂
Well done, Stacy & Barry! This defines my marriage, and after almost 40 years I can tell you young ladies that it works! One thing I would like to add for those who “choke” on the word submission; try substituting the word respect. I heard Dr. Dobson of Focus on the Family discuss this years ago. Men will love women who respect them and vice versa. We are hardwired in that regard, and in this type of relationship, everyone gets what they want. Granted, it is not what Hollywood and prime time tv tells us but we see how phony and unhappy those
relationships are, right? Give it a try! It could change your life. Keep up the good work, you two!
I love this! Biblical submission works beautifully for our marriage…especially when I manage to not have a bad attitude about a decision I’m not super happy about. 😉 I’m glad my husband has the final say…whew! I don’t want that pressure, ha! Thanks for the discussion.
Right on! We’ve really twisted what the word submission means!