The longer I’m a mom, the more I realize that strangers say dumb things…especially about your baby. When a woman has a baby, suddenly she becomes public property – along with her child. Everyone has an opinion…and they will voice it. When you’re newly postpartum, anything a stranger says will make you weep – or make you fly off the handle…one of those. It’s sleep deprivation, don’t ya know. And it’s also that “Mommy Protection Syndrome.” It’s strong, man. The claws come OUT. You best not mess with a new mama – bear or human.
So, let’s take a look today at the top 10 dumb things strangers say about babies…because don’t you know that everyone is a baby expert?
“Awwww! He’s so cute!”
DUDE! Do you need eyeglasses? Are you blind? I’ve put my daughter in a PINK DRESS! I’m not sure about you, but I’ve never met a father yet who was cool with putting his SON in a pink dress. Maybe I just run in the wrong circles. Open your eyes, man! PINK = girls! I dressed her in pink to avoid this issue. *Sigh*
“Is he a good baby?”
I have never understood this question. It’s loaded. What on earth does it mean anyway? Is he a GOOD baby? Huh? Have you ever heard a mama say, “Why, no. He’s a terrible baby. I was thinking about taking him back and asking for a refund.”
My mom says it means, “Does he cry?” Of course he cries! He’s a BABY! I think what you really wanted to know is, “Does your baby cry more than mine?” If that’s what you mean, ask it.
“Does he sleep through the night?”
I hate this more than any other question. No. My 3 week old (now 8 weeks) does NOT sleep through the night. I’m 31 years old and I don’t even sleep through the night. Do you? I can’t even get my 3 year old to sleep through the night.
Please don’t ask a sleep-deprived mama if her baby is sleeping through the night…it’s really not common for that to happen and it will just make her cry. Trust me, if he’s sleeping through the night she’ll let you know. Can I get a witness?!
“I guess it takes a while to lose that baby weight, huh?”
Oh no. You did NOT go there, did you? I just carried a child for 9-10 months. So what if I ate a little extra doughnut here and there. Is that any of your business? I think not. So back off! And hand me a doughnut.
“Awww, you’re so pretty! You must look like your daddy because you sure don’t look like your mama.”
Uhhhhh. Lady, I could be wrong, but I think you just called me ugly. Really. My child is pretty and she doesn’t look like me. What am I, chopped liver? Or could it be that you’re hitting on my husband WHILE I’M STANDING HERE. Hand me another doughnut.
“Can I hold him?”
Excuse me…who ARE you? I don’t even know you – never seen you before. You are a random stranger from the grocery store parking lot. I do not know if you have a communicable disease or if you’ve been in prison. Come one step closer to my baby and I’m going to drop-kick you. You could be a baby kidnapper for all I know!
“Was he planned?”
I could be wrong, but this is a very personal question. I don’t know you and I seriously doubt I should be discussing my bedroom activity with you. Were YOU planned? Did your mama love YOU?
God plans all our babies. Booya.
“Just wait till they’re older. It will get harder.”
Wow. Gee. Thanks for that GREAT pep talk. You should be a paid motivational speaker. Loser.
“You shouldn’t breastfeed every time he cries. You’ll spoil him.”
Okay, how about this. The next time YOU’RE hungry I’m going to withhold a snack from you. See how you like it. You’ll cry too. If you take my doughnut away, I’d cry too. I just want a snack for Pete’s sake…can’t the baby have a snack too? And I really seriously doubt you can spoil a child by trying to help them stop crying. I’m a mama…I don’t want my baby to cry. If he wants to eat, I’m going to feed him. But not you, you can forget it, pal.
“Did you vaccinate?”
Really, there is NO way to win with your answer for this one. If you DID vaccinate, you’ll be told about how terrible you are and that your kids will end up with all sorts of problems and won’t get married and will live with you forever – failure to launch. If you DID NOT vaccinate, you’ll be give a written list of all the communicable diseases your child will have before age five.
Instead, the best “answer” for this one is to pretend like you don’t speak English.
So, what’s the best thing to say to a new Mama about her baby? Pat her on the back, smile, and say “You done good mama…you done good.” And then bring her a doughnut. Amen.