Stacy and the Crab Legs

My husband turned the big 3-0 this week! Because of this monumental birthday, I wanted to cook him something special. Something that would really stand out and say “Hey! My wife loves me!” So, I chose his favorite meal – crab legs. This is where the comedy routine begins. I  have never cooked crab legs before. They were a food that Barry only ate at the Fog Harbor or the Eagle Cafe restaurants. They were intimidating and scary looking to me. But then I saw this picture  and determined that I could do it myself. I mean, look at them all pretty and beautiful with the lemon. Surely I could do that! So, off I went to Kroger.

Just so you know, crab legs aren’t with the lobster. It seemed logical to me that crab would be with lobster. But no. The poor little lobsters were just floating around in there by themselves. Where in the heck did they keep crab legs? Of course no one was around to ask, so I just nosed around until I found them. They’re in the frozen section. Well, who knew? Then I proceeded to try to pick out some. First obstacle – how many crab legs does one eat? I picked up one package. Man, that seemed too light. I picked up two packages. It still seemed like a little amount, but my tight wad fist wouldn’t let me buy three packages. It was around two pounds. Surely two pounds was enough, right? Off to the register I went! I got poked. Did you know those little pinchers are sharp? And they poke through the plastic container. I shall not be beaten by you, little crab!

FYI – the pretty picture in the paper? Yeah, the crab legs you buy don’t look like that. They look like this.   Pretty disappointing to me.  I got home and found a recipe with instructions online. I read the instructions. Sounded pretty easy. I could do this! I pep talked myself over and over.

First, I needed  a pot, so I got out my largest saucepan. Hmmmm, not quite big enough. I went hunting for my soup pot and drug it out. It was the right size. Thank you Jesus, something is going right!

I filled the pot half full and added some vegetable oil. It called for 1 cup, but I thought that sounded like entirely too much. I maybe put ½ cup in there and brought it to a boil. When it was boiling, I added about 3 cloves of chopped garlic, 1 teaspoon of Old Bay seasoning, and about a tablespoon of dried parsley. The recipe said to boil it for 15 minutes. Gotta make sure that water is done. After all, we wouldn’t want undercooked water, would we?

So, I had to poke some holes in the shell so the flavor could get in – at least the recipe told me that. It said to use an ice pick. I don’t have an ice pick. Good thing I’m all about substitution around here! I dug out my pick that I use to scrape out nut meats.

I am a wuss. I am not strong enough to poke holes in a crab shell. More thinking. I went and got my “girly hammer” as Barry calls it. Using it and the pick, I actually got some holes in the silly crab. Whew.

My 15 minutes were up, so I added the crab legs to the water. It was at this point that I read in the recipe that frozen crab legs are usually already cooked. Huh? They come cooked? So why was I doing all this mess? Refer back to the recipe – I was doing this for flavor and to heat them up. Ok, sure whatever.

Those suckers only boiled for 5-7 minutes. I have to admit, they looked sorta creepy all leggy and sticking out from the water. I tried not to look directly at the crab legs. When they were done, I drained the pot and put them in one of my pretty dishes. It’s not like the picture in the paper, but it will do.

So, my husband digs in. He’s a happy man.

Just so you know, I ate a bowl of soup. No legs for me thanks.

After he eats all the little pieces, he looks at me and says “I don’t know how to get into the big pieces.” Oh. Huh. Another obstacle. We don’t own a crab leg cracker thingy. I said “Can’t you just use your brute man strength and crack them open?” I got a blank stare.  More thinking. (By this time, my thinker is exhausted.) I go back to my nut stash and pull out the nut cracker.  It did well and he got them all eaten.

It was a happy birthday for my husband. I am glad I was able to give him such a treat, but tonight we’re having sandwiches.