A joint post from Barry and Stacy
I’m sure you’ve heard someone else say it to their child. Or maybe you’ve even said it yourself, not really thinking of the ramifications it might have. I know I’ve heard it – and I know Barry has heard it…and really, it needs to stop.
Barry came home and had recently heard this, and it just lit a fire under me. What am I ranting about?
Picture this: A child is being unruly in the store – not listening to mama. Maybe he is throwing a fit or being mean to his sister. Whatever the issue, mom doesn’t feel like taking care of it herself…so, she lays the responsibility on someone else with the following line (or a similar one):
“You see that big scary policeman over there? If you don’t start behaving, he’ll take care of you. Maybe even take you to jail. You better watch out and start listening to me!”
What is that all about?! What kind of response do you think this gets from a child? I’ll tell you – FEAR. And not a healthy fear of his mother, but a fear of the police officer…a person sworn to protect him. Who is supposed to be afraid of the police? Criminals…not kids.
So, let’s just imagine this scenario, shall we?
Mom: Officer, this boy is throwing Cheerios all over the floor in Aisle 5 and when I yell at him, berate him and scream at him to “stop” he doesn’t listen. Can you teach him a lesson?
Officer: Sure, ma’am. I would love to create an unhealthy fear of law enforcement in your child. Where is he? I’ll gladly put big scary handcuffs on him, throw him in the back of my police car and take him to jail so you can avoid your responsibility as a parent to discipline your child. I would love to shoulder the responsibility and look like a villain. Sounds like a great idea to me!
Son: *Flabbergasted*
Seriously? How else could it go? I’d love for once to see a parent go through with their threat to take their young child to the “big scary policeman” and have him handle the issue.
Please, please don’t ever say this type of thing to your children. In times of emergency, your kids need to know police officers are people they can trust, not someone who might cart them off to jail for hitting a sibling or being a bit unruly in public.
If you have used a police officer threat to get your kids to obey, stop…NOW. Instead, teach them if there is trouble or they need help, they can look for someone in uniform instead of cowering from them. Police are supposed to be there to help and should represent a safe haven for a frightened child.
Barry’s father was a Tennessee Highway Patrolman for 36+ years. When he heard this type of statement in public, it made him mad…but it also hurt him. Barry tells me about times when his dad would get so mad but just have to walk away. There’s no way a police officer could win in those situations.
Know when your threats (really nothing more than idle words) leave your mouth, you’re demonizing someone who was trained and has promised to protect your children. Take responsibility for the discipline of your children – and stop laying it at the police officer’s feet. He’s got a hard job. He doesn’t need you making it any harder. And your job is made harder too when you try to take these easy escapes. Instead of meaningless threats, why not real discipline in the form of consequences for disobedience? Instead of instilling fear of external authority figures in your children, instilling a healthy fear of the consequences by mom and/or dad when there is inappropriate behavior? I promise, every policeman and woman will thank you.
I mean I was a little late to the game…
A little late to the game, but thank you for posting this. My husband is in law enforcement and there is nothing more irritating than being called to a home(sometimes they will even call 911) and be asked to get the kid into shape. My husbands response is usually – I’m not here to raise your kids, that’s what you are for. Now if the kid is actually doing something illegal then yes, he had to take a 10yo to juvi this week(not a high light of his shift). We’ve had close friends ask him to come over and “scare their kid straight”. He refuses every time.
I’m so shocked that this even happens!
While I agree with you about the use of empty threats and the dangers of teaching a child to fear the police, I am a little confused by the statement about a healthy fear of ones mother. You say police are sworn to protect our children, but surely that is our job as well. We protect, we provide, and we teach. I do not see how any of those jobs are aided by our children fearing us. We should teach them to respect us, of course, but fear is a poor teacher and creates walls that cannot easily be taken down. Why would our children come to us for advice when they are teenagers if we taught them to fear us when they were toddlers?
There is nothing wrong with a healthy fear – the only time there would be an issue is if you’ve done something wrong. I always had a healthy fear of my parents, but that never kept me from going to them for advice or seeking their wisdom. We are also told to fear the Lord in His word, but don’t we also seek His advice and counsel?
Well said! I feel like my parents used this on me and my dad was a firefighter! They should’ve known better! Fortunately, I do not fear law enforcement officers. I even married one.
I’m so glad – on all accounts! 🙂
Same goes true for Doctors, nurses or any medical field person . Don’t tell you kids if you don’t behave they are going to give you a shot. Makes kids scared to death from then on about any medical thing.
Excellent addition, Wanda.
My dad worked for a probation department for my whole youth so I got to spend a lot of time with sheriffs and police officers. Some of the nicest and best people I have met wore a badge. I tell my children that if they are ever scared or need help and they can’t find their father or me then they can always turn to the police or fire fighters and they will help them. All my children will tell people that police/firefighters/military are all heroes..
I do have to say though don’t judge other parents to harshly when you see their child throwing a tantrum and they don’t leave immediately. My husband is a Marine and is gone a lot. There have been times that I just had to do my shopping quickly while dealing with a tantrum otherwise we wouldn’t have food in the house to eat. I got quite a few rude remarks from other adults that had no clue that the reason why my 2yo was melting down was because she wanted her Daddy who was overseas and she hadn’t spoken to in several weeks.. or my 4yo was sick and all he wanted was to be home in bed.. or fill in the blank with a situation that I just had to power through. You don’t know what is going on in another’s life so a little more love and a lot less judgement would make the world a nicer place.
Very good point, Heather.
Loved this Stacy! Such a good, and useful, point.
Funny thing is, I started reading it on a bus, JUST as the grandma ahead of me was telling a little girl that if she didn’t sit down and be nice, “the man” was going to be very cross with them and make them get off the bus and they’d have to walk all the way home in the cold blah blah blah… I didn’t have the guts to say anything to her, just cringed because at NEARLY 50 years old, I still have a tiny bit of residual fear of bus drivers thanks to my mother’s use of those kind of lines.
Sigh.
Annie
Oh dear. The irony.
Simply put: love this! Thank you for posting.
Thank you for reading. 🙂
I am a grandma and this pisses me off too, but then there are those mommas out there oblivious to what their children are doing ,they can be screaming their heads off still walking along like she’s deaf, did god not give her enough just to take the child out till it caslms or what? I know there is someone reading this fuming,do I care no! I raised well mannered adjusted kids n never had to use these phrases.
I know this is late and no one may read this but I’ve done the exact thing you’ve described. My son has autism and you can go ahead and judge but he gets sensory overload and “flips” out. I have gotten stared at and judged ever since he started going to the store with me and when some members of my family decide to go with me they see what I go through. I’m not always in the best mood myself and to keep from completely breaking down and crying in the store I get to the point where I say nothing at all. Yes, I also have walked out when it was just shopping and not necessities like food and household items, but it’s not always an option. And I can’t take him out to calm him down because he gets worse since he believes it’s now time to leave and can’t understand that when he goes out he can come back in. I take issue with your statement that you never dealt with this because of raising good kids. I’n here to say I do the same but with different challenges. I take responsibility for his actions and have him say please and thank you, to respect others things including their bodies, that there is consequences for his actions and they will be enforced, that there are things that need to be done regardless of if you’re up to it, yet he still has challenges that make it look to others that he knows none of this. I’m not mad, because I understand that people don’t usually think of disabilities when they see a screaming child, they see a brat. I’m here to assure you that isn’t always the case. So next time you get fuming mad that a screaming child is interrupting your shopping experience please take a moment to think that maybe that mom is already doing everything she can to help her child and in effect also help you. God wants us to love most of all, yet most of us judge most of all. As a living work in progress I say thank you Jesus!
This is right on Stacy!! I’m so happy to hear someone speaking out against this fearmongering! Sadly, I believe it’s just a natural consequence of our failure at a societal level to turn out the kind of parents kids NEED. It’s so true that many parents shirk their responsibility to enforce consequences and to be the “bad guy” when the occasion arises. I believe this also stems from the fact that many parents today were raised by people other than their own parents (working moms), and have never been taught how to really BE a good parent. It also seems to me that society as a whole encourages people to do whatever “feels right” and to not worry about the consequences. It all goes hand-in-hand, I’m afraid.
Another thing that really steams me is public shaming. I’ve seen this done with children, animals, and other living creatures. This one makes me SO upset and sad!! I just cannot for the life of me understand how a seemingly-good parent could do something like this to the child that they purport to love. This screams everything BUT love to me!
I’m just thankful and grateful for excellent parents who taught me how to be a good parent (though I’m sure I’ve had plenty of failings along the way). I hope I’ve been able to instill some of that in my now-grown son. Thank you for this excellent post!
The public shaming makes me sad too. 🙁
Thank you for this important message. I’m so glad that you are posting again. I enjoy your commom sense. Peace and blessings to you and your family this Christmas.
Our family sends the same to you!
I TOTALLY agree Stacy! My brother is a sheriff and I always teach my kids that police officers are good people who spend their working hours helping good people and keeping everyone safe. Unfortunately, either the principal or vice principal at my son’s school told him they were going to have him arrested by the police and he would go to jail if he colored on his chair again (after doing it once, and he was in KINDERGARTEN!) and so now he has a dislike of the police which is proving difficult to reverse. God forbid he is ever in a situation where he needs help and I am not there, hopefully we realizes to trust the police. I am so angry with the school for threatening a 5 year old like that. Ridiculous!
Gosh – don’t you know that our jails are already full of 5 year old chair colorers? Sheesh – we don’t have room for more. 😉
You are right about empty threats, regardless of the content. In addition to distrust or a flawed understanding of laws, these kids will become dismissive of all threats and instruction when nothing actually comes of it. Unfortunately, it is absolutely true that parents who fail to train their children are often leaving it for law enforcement to try to finish the job in the future. And the legal system is not up to the task. It is awful to see parents sit in court and make excuses about why they are powerless and they hope the judge can now fix their delinquent child.
Because my husband is a prosecutor our kids do know that the consequences for hitting, taking, etc. get much more serious if they do not learn to stop doing those things while they are under our care!
You make an excellent point about the future – take care of it now…or take care of it later. Now is much easier.
As, not just a parent but a grandparent and the child of a law enforcement person, “I” raised my children (along with their grandparents and every other member of the family) to understand that there are standards of behavior that are not allowed. If one of them started to misbehave in ANY location, that child was put in a room without another person or anything to distract them. We have left stores, movies, amusement parks, (you name it) when one of them started to behave in a manner that would interfere with others enjoyment or rights. And when ALL of the children have to leave as well, the lesson is reinforced. Sometimes I was told I was hated but my kids are all now responsible parents and their children are also able to behave in public and in private.
It’s really hard to leave in the middle of something…but sometimes the situation calls for that, you’re right.
This is wonderful!! I commend you for your courage to speak out against this problem in our society.
We are just a wee bit opinionated. 🙂
I have heard many parents point to anyone and say that he/she will take you away or whatever threat. It is a parental “cop out”.
Pun intended? 😉
As a wife of a police man, thank you for this post. My husband gets so angry when people do this. He even gets calls with parents expecting him to “scare” their children; he then reprimands the parent telling them that he is not going to be the bad guy because they fail to properly train their children.
Are you kidding me!?
I am sorry Barry and Stacy but I would have to disagree with you. African American mothers and fathers have to teach their children to be afraid, very afraid. I don’t even know if you will ‘approve’ this but I am just putting it out there.
🙂 I don’t see any reason to not approve. It’s okay to disagree.
Amen! Punishment through fear is not constructive for anyone in the long run. And it doesn’t make sense to relinquish your parenting authority to someone else, whether it be an officer, or the “other parent when they get home”. Melt downs are supposed to happen, but please be the grown up and take responsibility for how you respond to it.
I’m 33 and I still have melt downs. Ha ha!