A Letter to My Eventual Daughter in Law

If you missed last week, when I shared a letter to my eventual son in law, you may want to go back and have a look at that letter to give you an idea of why I’m bothering to write these letters in the first place. To sum it up: I have hopes and dreams for my kids and I want the person each of them ends up marrying to know a little about what my expectations are. Even though I only have about 11 years of marriage under my belt and a little less than five as a parent, I want to capture my thoughts now and share the wisdom I can offer today because I know at least a few of you reading this right now are about to “give away” your son or daughter and could sure use some input.

You’ll probably notice a lot of similarity in the two letters – that is intentional. I want my kids to know my expectations are high for both of them and similar for both of them. The letter to my eventual son-in-law was tough. I’d bet you this one won’t be any easier. Here we go…

To the Woman Who Marries My Son,

I was present at Andy’s birth, and what an interesting ride it has been ever since. From the start, I knew God had given me a blessing and a challenge. Most men out there are poor excuses for what they should be. Most don’t understand or appreciate their responsibilities to God and family. Many refuse to submit to any authority whatsoever. Others don’t want to care because they know the responsibility of a man is great, when carried out according to God’s standards.

Even before Andy could understand my words, he has watched my actions. I have been the person he looks at to learn what a man is and how he should act. I’ve failed numerous times already and by the time you are reading this, there will be a list of my failures too long for any library to contain. Nonetheless, I hope I have done enough of the right things and taught him to be the husband he should be for you. So even though it is hard to grant him your hand, I do so with some expectation. Pay close attention – there will be a quiz.

A wife must submit to her husband.

That sentence above is one that modern society refuses to understand or accept. I expect you fully know what it means and are ready to live it out. Please don’t misunderstand “submit” to mean Andy is allowed to treat you with disrespect, avoid putting you above himself or take advantage of your calling as his wife. By the time you’re reading this, I will have taught him that even though the Bible does require you to submit to his leadership, it also requires him to love you as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for it.  If he does his part to love you sacrificially like that, you need to do your part to support him and follow him.

A wife is her husband’s most important asset.

I would not be the same man I am today if it weren’t for Stacy. She is my biggest cheerleader, greatest fan and best friend. Even when he is in a bad mood and won’t act like it, Andy needs you, your support and your ability to help him be a better person. Don’t underestimate your value in this. If you need help learning how to support him, talk to Stacy – she is a pro. If you need someone to help if he is out of line, talk to me – I have been his model for how a man should act and maybe we both need to improve in an area or two.

Your ambition and your opinion are vital.

Andy may be the leader of your new home, but he’d better be smart and take advantage of your skills, talents and opinions in making the best decisions to run it. When it comes to decisions, be sure both of you are involved in the process. That way, when you succeed, you can celebrate what you did together. …And when there is failure, you can learn and improve together. While the buck may stop with Andy, his decisions will almost always be a lot better (and your marriage definitely will be better) if the two of you get to those decisions together.

{Special Note to Andy and Daughter-in-Law regarding money decisions: I expect you to live on a budget. I expect you to be mature with your family’s money. I expect you to work hard. I expect you to be generous. I expect you to tithe. I expect you to live without debt. I will raise Andy to understand that contrary to popular belief, God is in charge of everything – including money.}

Divorce is not an option.

You must not allow the idea of divorce to be an option in your marriage. When Stacy and I married in 2003, we agreed that divorce would never be an option. Why? Marriage is sometimes really hard. Stacy and I don’t always get along and there will be the temptation to give up somewhere along the way. While over half of the marriages in America fail, you must commit that yours never will. Your wedding vows aren’t an open-ended contract – they are a covenant between you, Andy and almighty God.

Happiness won’t always exist.

Your wedding day will likely be one of the happiest (and scariest) of your life. Add the honeymoon, then moving in together and setting up a home, and everything right now sounds like it will all be so much fun. But when you get to the part in your vows where you promise to love him “for better or worse,” realize you’re going to get both. I bring this up because as you experience the good times, you need to be thankful there is someone there to experience them with you. Likewise, when you experience the bad times, you need to be thankful there is someone there to struggle through them with you. Don’t point a finger of blame in the bad times; point a heart of gratefulness at all times.

Andy is a special man – he is my son. I hope and expect he has sought my advice on this marriage before you’re reading this with a diamond on your finger. If he has courted you, gained the blessing of your father and asked you to be his bride, you already have my blessing as well. I will continue to impress upon him the value of a pure and loving wife and to never take you for granted. I will encourage him to lead his home, to protect his family, and provide for you. I expect you to allow and inspire him toward those callings and support him in every way.

Sincerely,

Barry (a.k.a. “Daddy”)

P.S. – I have made the assumption in my writing above that you are pure of heart and intention. Don’t prove my assumption false.

As I wrap up these letters to my future “children by marriage,” I want to share a brief thought about parenting in general. As a deeply imperfect parent, I find the encouragement and challenge of others spurs me to become better. One of the best resources I’ve found recently to that end is a book by Steve Maxwell: Buying a House Debt Free: Equipping Your Son.  Steve and Terri Maxwell have really done a lot to encourage us recently through Managers of Their Homes and Redeeming the Time, and we’ve shared those reviews with you. So when Steve emailed and asked me if I would be interested in reviewing a pre-release of their latest manuscript, I was excited to jump in.  If you have a son, read this book…or at least check out the free chapter they offer on their website and consider the possibility of your son NEVER having to deal with debt.  Wouldn’t that be a blessing?  I plan to help Andy through that challenge, and I truly believe it is a worthwhile one.