Several months ago I wrote a letter to my past self, looking back at some lessons the past ten years have taught me. In that same theme, I’ve been thinking quite a bit about the future and wanting to pen a letter or two to my future self. However, I think it may be more important to write some other letters first.
I daily pray for my children, their development (physically and spiritually) and wonder what they will grow to become. I do my best to teach and train them, but I also recognize I don’t only want to have hopes and dreams for my own children, but for yours. I don’t want to limit my prayers to what my daughter will grow to become – I also want to start asking for her family to be blessed. Maybe I’m waxing a bit too poetic by doing this, but I’m going to spend this week on a letter to Annie’s future husband – wherever and whoever he may be. Next week, I’ll do the same for Andy’s eventual wife. If you’re a parent, I hope this letter will encourage you. But I also hope it will challenge us all to begin seeking the best for our children, recognizing we’re not just raising them for an individual benefit, but as the future leaders of the world. They are our legacy. So here goes…
As parents, we often strive to do everything in our power to ensure the well-being and success of our children. However, despite our best efforts, we cannot control every aspect of their lives or predict the future with certainty.
To the Man Who Marries My Daughter,
You must be a very special person to have gained (and kept) Annie’s attention. She is a wonderful and beautiful creation and I am blessed to be her father. I have done my best to model for her what a man should be, knowing that is ultimately the measuring rod she uses to measure the character of every man she meets. Because God has entrusted me with Annie for this long, you should expect that before I’ll grant you her hand in marriage, you need to know some things about her, as well as some things I expect from you as her new leader, protector and head. Pay close attention – there will be a quiz.
A husband must be the leader of his home.
God is clear on this throughout scripture. As easy as it is to let this responsibility fall to Annie, you cannot. God would not command you to lead your home if He didn’t equip you to do it. Annie is to be your helpmeet, to make up for your shortcomings and encourage you to be the best you can be. She is to support you and submit to you – but you are to love her as Christ loved the church and gave up His life for her.
A husband must protect his family.
This realization is one you may not understand at first. But if you’re ever in a scary situation, you are no longer allowed to put yourself first. Your safety is second to protecting Annie, and if/when they come along, your kid(s). The world is a scary place and you are likely to be called on to protect your family at some point. Whether this means you become trained with a firearm or another protection tool, your mindset is the most critical piece of this puzzle. Decide now that your life is less important than that of Annie’s. Remember, Christ gave His life up for the church and you are called to be willing to do the same for her.
A husband must provide for his family.
I prayed for many years prior to marriage that God would grant me the ability to provide for my family. I decided that if my future wife wished to work, that would be okay. But I also prayed that if her desire was to stay home, that would be okay too. God has been very gracious in giving me the ability to earn an income sufficient that Stacy hasn’t had to work outside our home for over ten years at the time of this writing. This is a huge blessing to our family and I am thankful. I don’t know what Annie aspires to be professionally (right now she says she wants to be a doctor AND an artist) but I hope you will be diligent enough in your finances to support your family whether or not she chooses to work. I pray she doesn’t have to work outside the home if she believes home is a better place for her talents to be used.
{Special Note to Annie and Son-in-Law: I expect you to live on a budget. I expect you to be mature with your family’s money. I expect you to work hard. I expect you to be generous. I expect you to tithe. I expect you to live without debt. It will disappoint me deeply if you make poor choices that result in financial bondage. I fully expect to leave an inheritance when I die and I fully expect it to be a blessing to your family, not an emergency infusion of cash.}
Divorce is not an option.
You must not even entertain the idea of divorce. When Stacy and I married in 2003, we agreed very quickly that divorce would never be an option. Why? Marriage can be tough. Stacy and I don’t always get along and there will be the temptation to give up. While over half of the marriages in America fail, you must commit that yours never will. This means you must guard your heart and protect hers. This means you must follow God and lead your family according to what He tells you to do. This means you won’t always get your way. Read your wedding vows carefully, and recognize that when you are committing to marriage, that commitment is for life.
Happiness won’t always exist.
You should expect to experience joy and hurt, happiness and sadness, ecstasy and agony through your marriage. A good dose of that reality now is likely to help you later. When you get to the part in your vows where you promise to love her “for better or worse,” realize you’re going to get both. I bring this up because as you experience the good times, you need to be thankful there is someone there to experience them with you. Likewise, when you experience the bad times, you need to be thankful there is someone there to struggle through them with you. Don’t point a finger of blame in the bad times; point a heart of gratefulness at all times.
Annie is one of the most special people in my life. If I grant you permission to marry her, I am granting you the rights to take her from my home and make her a part of yours. I am granting you the privilege to become her lover and closest confidant. I am permitting you access to her heart and trusting you to protect it. I am giving you one of the most precious and valuable gifts I could possibly give. As I’m writing this, I can think of no man worthy of such a gift.
I remember many years ago asking Stacy’s Dad permission to marry her. He was gracious enough to consent to my request. He deemed me worthy of her hand, and I still can’t thank him enough for that. I have not been the perfect husband or father, and you won’t be one either, but if you’re reading this with the intent of marrying Annie, you’d better do all you can to try.
Sincerely,
Barry (a.k.a. “Daddy”)
P.S. – I have guns, am a decent shot with extremely fast reaction times, and am willing to spend the rest of my life in prison if the cause is worthy. Don’t make it necessary for me to prove it.
Christina says
I was reading this and while I agree with some points however you make yourself seem crazy if willing to go so far as shooting someone. As a mother of 4 boys God help
the future father in law of my son if he were to ever hurt him. Remember your daughters future husband is also someone’s precious son that another couple worked hard to raise and just because he may not fully meet your potential as a future son in law that it doesn’t make him less important as an individual or human being.
Barry says
Christina, you didn’t catch my humor in that comment. While I am called to protect my family and even give up my life for them if required, I am not willing to commit murder. 😉
Christine says
I admire the two of you tremendously, I really do. You have financial discipline that I wish I had learned 20 years ago and am trying to master now. I love Stacy’s recipes and think she is freaking hilarious. But when I read this I feel like we live on different planets. I live in a very blue state, and this helps me to understand the deep divisions in our country. The notion that a woman needs her father’s permission to marry anyone is completely foreign to me. I was one of four girls, and we all grew up and got apartments and jobs and married when we chose to – in my case, at age 33. We asked our parents’ blessing, not permission. Like you, I am religious. We are blessed with three children and our family is very active in our (Catholic) church. Like you, I remain very close to my parents, but I was considered an adult when I finished college, and in our neck of the woods it was considered a good thing for your daughter (or son) to move out and become self supporting!
myersbr2 says
Thanks for your thoughts on this, Christine. I knew not everyone would agree with my letter and some have even shared (strongly) their disagreement. If our society could disagree without being so hateful (and hate-filled) about it, I believe we could actually make some decent progress. Instead, we are stuck in an us vs. them standoff where somebody has to lose for someone else to win. SAD.
While I seriously doubt someone will change my mind about many things in my letter, I’m not closed to a discussion about them. So thank you for bringing up your view as a part of the discussion.
ranajoan says
This is a good letter and it points out God’s plan for a proper husband. But let’s not forget Jesus speaking of love for our enemies or those who mistreat us. I have four grown children, two who are married and one, my daughter, who is divorced. Her ex husband hurt her very deeply. Did I want my husband to shoot him? No. That is not God’s way. Luke 6:27,28. Yes, I have prayed for God to take the anger, sorrow out of my heart. Being a mother, and a protective one, I can understand wanting to retaliate.
This past Sunday, in church, our preacher spoke of a man whose daughter was shot and killed by her fiance’. This father was asked how he was able to cope with such a thing. His response was that his church family has been there for him and his family;
bringing food, one couple moved in with them to take care of the household, another kept the media from them. This father felt the spirit of God through Christ’s church and is able to pray for the man who killed his daughter. Christ died for all. Let us strive to have his awesome love in our hearts, even for those who hurt our loved ones.
So please, keep the gun in the closet.
myersbr2 says
Ranajoan, thanks for your thoughts. My P.S. is based on my commitment to protect my daughter and is not intended as a threat of murder. While I know there are plenty of crazy people out there who commit murder, I simply intend for someone calling on my daughter to know he is expected to treat her with respect and honor, and I will do everything I’m able to protect my family from unnecessary harm.
Aquinas Dad says
I must politely state that I have some issues with this. Since my response is rather long I put it elsewhere. The link is;
http://aquinasdad.blogspot.com/2014/03/a-letter-to-my-sons-future-father-in-law.html
I hope you understand my response is not an attack.
myersbr2 says
Thanks for this thoughtful response. You’ve misinterpreted some of my thoughts, but that may very well be because of the way I put them down for the world to read and your Catholic perspective versus my Protestant one. As such, I will leave things be for now and let others chime in from their own worldview. The exercise of growing through this commentary should be a valuable one, so thanks for starting the dialogue!
liz says
I have to agree with Barry that Aquinas Dad’s interpretation was off.
As a practicing, faithful Catholic, i find no trouble with the sentiments expressed in this letter.
Particularly in respects to his daughter finding a man modelling himself after Christ. Of COURSE Barry wants that for his daughter. But what does that look like for a boy and girl in today’s world? What sort of actions is Annie going to look for In a mate? Practically, she will base it on how she sees her father treating her mother,and on how he treats her
Aquinas Dad, I read your full post, and i want to caution you to avoid being esoteric, not everyone is a theology major, and I dont believe there was anything dangerous in Barry’s letter. I think Barry has written a good draft, and I have always enjoyed his and Stacy’s sense of humor.
Aquinas Dad says
liz,
Thank you for the feedback.
Liz, I do my best to take people at their word and not assume things. To me there is no ‘of course’ involved.
Janet says
Just a note to let you know how much I admire and respect you for your attitude and desires for both your daughter and your wife. If more men would strive to be like you this world would be a much better place. My husband does not seem to understand that his life and his family would be so much better off if he too felt like this. I am home today cleaning house, changing out some electrical outlets and texturing and painting a recently kid evacuated room while he is hanging out at the motorcycle shop. He plans on retiring early next year even though we will not be completely out of debt and still have a son in college. I, of course, will have to continue working to ensure that we will be able to pay off the house and have some sort of insurance since he is the one who carries that. So many men need to wake up (not all, of course) and realize that they need to be responsible for their families welfare in addition to being the spiritual leader of their family. Thank you for your insightful thoughts. I appreciate them so much.
Susan says
Love it…our daughter is married to a very wonderful, Godly man. They’ve been married for two years (as of 3/10). They are both in college. Victoria graduates next year with an ag major, then grad school. He is a paramedicine major, Army Reservist medic (see MIL, we have a doctor in the family) and he has taught her to shoot also so he can protect her and she can protect herself. They are absolutely perfect for each other and we are so grateful that God (and her big brother) introduced them.
Marsha 'Nana' Baker says
This is so beautiful and awesome…very heartfelt and caring. You all are very blessed to have such a man leading you as husband and daddy. I love love love this and all it entails.
Erin Boyd Odom says
Love this!
Nicole says
Brings me into tears in a good way. Ooh how I miss my dad, he passed away 6-1/2 years ago, my life has never been the same. I thank God that I am blessed with my husband, and our 3 little girls. My husband is an amazing husband and father.
This sounds like something my dad would have said. He was in Vietnam, and received 2 Purple Hearts. He was dead on with every shot too! 😉 I know that my dad would have done what he had to do to protect his bride or my brother/I, even if it meant being in prison for the rest of his life, no doubt in my mind.
Abby says
That was awesome. I needn’t say more.
Sonya says
This made me cry. I wish every little girl had a father like this to look out for them and be willing to protect them no matter what. I hope Annie realizes what a blessing she has. Thanks for sharing this.
Cheri says
This could be a letter to just about anyone’s future son-in-law. Very well written.