If you’ve read much of what I’ve written previously about relationships and money, you’ll find I regularly state that your finances won’t work if you and your spouse can’t agree on money. I’ve even given you my top five things I believe all spouses must agree on to win with money. What I’ve not told you is that there is serious research that shows your spouse has the power to make you filthy, stinkin’ rich. Okay, maybe not too stinkin’ because a good spouse will make you bathe so you’re agreeable to sleep next to…but I digress.
In Thomas Stanley’s book, The Millionaire Mind, he studied a unique group of men and women. What were his minimum qualifications for study subjects?
1) They must have a net worth of at least $10 million
2) They must earn at least $750,000 per year.
These are not your rock stars or pro athletes – these are people who have an awesome income and aren’t inclined to blow it all or required to keep up certain appearances as those we traditionally view as “rich” when we see them on the covers of magazines and on television. In other words, these people are the pinnacle of financial success and haven’t done so through fame or some crazy, unattainable means. They are the ones we should be looking at if we’re wanting to see what real rich people look like.
Dr. Stanley found the primary thing that each of these elite group of people shared was a high level of integrity:
I go into a lot more depth on that topic with regards to how money follows your character elsewhere, so here I want to focus on Dr. Stanley’s third highest correlating factor – their spouses. Most of the spouses of these super wealthy people had three specific common traits. These spouses were:
++Supportive
++Strong
++Trustworthy
As you consider who you sleep beside, or who you are considering as your future mate if you’re not quite there yet, look at those three characteristics. I’m blessed to have a wife who supports me in just about any harebrained scheme I cook up. At the same time, she is quick to challenge me if that scheme is a little too far off the edge. I can tell her anything without fear she’s going to run off and share it with all her friends. Simply put, much of who I am is based on the support system I have at home. If your spouse doesn’t fit these three criteria, chances are you are struggling in many areas of your marriage. While Dr. Stanley was looking at wealth in his research, there really are a lot more positive (or negative) outcomes when your spouse is measured against these criteria.
So what can you do about it if your spouse isn’t where he/she should be? That’s the $64,000 question, isn’t it? My advice: look in the mirror. A spouse can be male or female. Ladies, if you looked at this article thus far and said, “My husband sure doesn’t fit this! I guess I’m destined to be broke…and it is all his fault!”, chances are you don’t measure up very well either. On the flip side, husbands, if you said, “My wife never supports me and I sure can’t trust her! She is driving us to the poorhouse!”, then it is likely you are a pretty miserable failure as well. As much as we’d all like to think it is someone else’s fault we aren’t succeeding in every area of life (and as much as I led you down that path to this point so you’d read through), it is not their fault…at least not completely.
You and your spouse are a team. A spouse who is supportive is a spouse who loves and is loved. A supportive spouse is someone who recognizes the commitment of marriage and believes it is worth it. A strong spouse is one who is safe to express feelings and challenge you if/when you are out of line. Trust is developed over time and requires cooperation and ongoing development. In other words, you aren’t going to end up with a spouse that is supportive, strong and trustworthy if you aren’t those things.
As I wrap up this article, I really want to make it a call to act for you and your husband/wife. While having a spouse who is supportive, strong and trustworthy can make you look like a rock star and help you become a bajillionaire (that is a scientific measurement associated with being filthy stinkin’ rich), it must work both ways. While I don’t want to pat myself on the back, Stacy would tell you we both work at our marriage and both strive to be better for one another. It isn’t just her and it isn’t just me. So here’s your homework: make your spouse read this article, then have a long discussion (and fight, if necessary) about it. Renew your commitment to one another and then go about being more supporting, strong and trustworthy.
As for the guy who says, “My wife never supports me and I sure can’t trust her! She is driving us to the poorhouse!” at least they can do something about it. The husband, as the head of the home, can say, “Okay, I’m taking away your debit and credit cards, and if you need cash for something, you need to ask me and I’ll take it out for you.” A husband has every right to tell his wife this. However, a wife can’t do that. So us wives just have to pray our husbands will be responsible.
It works very differently depending on who the irresponsible one is.
I am speechless.
It feels like a roller coaster ride at our house. My husband will acknowledge that he has a general problem with contentment, but will never agree on specifics. And then when we gets some counselling from our pastor, we will agree on specifics, and he will make action plans (ie, set limits) and even write it on paper and sign it. If he doesn’t write down or sign anything, I know I can kiss that agreement goodbye. Then when it gets too hard, he will back-peddle and blame me for coercing him into doing it (when over and over, I ask “Are you sure this is okay? You’re not setting to strict of limits?”). Then his limits are thrown out and he just does whatever he wants again. For example, he will set a limit of $60 a month in spending money. That includes going out on dates, take-out, whatever he wants, etc. But then it becomes $60 a month in Transformers (those stupid toys) spending money. And then he’ll just ignore it completely like in the past few weeks and spend almost $500 on two Transformers.
Plus, there are the limits that he’ll set for no snacking in the evening (he needs to lose weight so that we can cut his life insurance payments in half), or to drink alcohol only 3 times a week (no more than half a bottle for the both of us), but then it becomes almost a whole bottle a night (he doesn’t get drunk though; he is a big man). Luckily, it’s homemade wine; but it’s still not free.
Or there’s the limit he set when he said TV only 4 nights a week and the other days reading. The alcohol and TV limits didn’t even last a week. Then he instituted another TV limit and said TV every day except Thursdays. Thursdays would be for reading. Yeah… never happened.
The only thing he has consistently owned up for is the porn addiction. He has me block him completely from the computer and have app locks (no browsing or download apps or getting into the settings) on the phone. If he is alone on a computer or phone, that is BAD, BAD, BAD. See how all this stuff is linked? They’re all issues with self control. And his parents just coddle him. “Weeeell, everyone has their ‘thing.\'” “Would you like a Transformers for your birthday, honey?” “Here, have some money.”
What I’ve tried to do, instead of nag and freak out (which is incredibly hard not to do), is just go along with it, and try and gently bring up things, one at a time. But it never ends up going very well, and we end up needing counselling. Then he will improve for a week, and then we’re back to the same ‘ole, same ‘ole.
I can’t even set a freaking budget because it’s *never* adhered to. We’re not in any debt, but I feel like it’s my freaking out on him that keeps us out of debt. And I’m always suspecting that he’s hiding something because he has lied many times. I have to take pictures of his agreement papers that he signs; like the Transformers one. He said that after he buys all the Transformers he wants, he’ll quit buying them forever (yeah, right). So he wrote them all down on a piece of paper (I wish I knew how much each one costs… they’re ridiculous), and signed it. Then, later, I noticed that there were all these extra pencil marks of Transformers that I don’t remember being there. He denies to this day that he added more to the list. He said it was always there. So there starts the picture taking… I feel like I’m being ridiculous. I told my dad not to help us out because we need to starve and our whole family suffer so my husband can learn. But there’s no use because in comes my husband’s parents.
I swear I’m going to burn all those Transformers in the fire pit one day…
These kinds of situations aren’t very simple to deal with…
The statement becomes a question of “do you really love me?” What if you’ve looked at it honestly and your spouse has none of those qualities while you have two strong and one weak? I’m the nerd, my husband is definitely the free spirit that has put us in debt over our eyeballs. I didn’t even have debt til I got married. Thank you for the article. Although I really wish my husband would see things this way, I believe a miracle is in order to save what’s left of us. I thank you both for going against the norm and not giving up when things get hard. =)
Mary, thank you for being willing to ask this question. It is a HARD one to ask and a HARD one to answer. It is clear you don’t have a financial problem as much you have an opportunity (and need) to improve your marriage. You simply will not succeed financially unless both of you are on board. But it doesn’t end with finances. Does your husband believe you have a problem or only you? If he doesn’t see it as a problem, that’s where you need to be his helper more than anything. Don’t nag him, but gently show him how it affects you (both of you). Show him how much he can help you by giving this issue some priority. Pray for him. Remind him (gently) that as the husband, he is the leader of your home and your role is to submit to him, but you believe he needs help in this area to be an effective leader. Do all of this in the right spirit and I believe it will make a difference. I’ve seen it work many times before. I pray it will work for you. If I can be of any help, feel free to reach out to me directly (contact Barry form is in the menu on the top of the site).
awesome post!
Excellent post! It just shows when a marriage is strong, there are so many benefits, financials being another important one. “Looking in the mirror” before we point the finger is the best advice. When you start doing that and changing yourself its amazing the changes you start to see in the other person.