| This might be one of the very few posts you’ll ever see at Humorous Homemaking that’s serious. I’m normally a cut up, so this is out of the norm for me. I’ve struggled over even writing this because it’s a journey that I’m still on….and will probably be on for many months/years. However, I think there are many women out there who struggle with this issue as much as me…..women who need help and support. So, I’ll just lay it out there – for the past five or so years I’ve struggled with an eating disorder. I’ve diagnosed myself as a Compulsive Under-eater. What does that mean? It means that I restricted my food intake severely…….and I did it all in secret. I even kept it a secret from Barry and my Mama. There are members of my family that are going to read this and find it surprising – because I’ve never talked about it. But I’m ready to talk about it now, and hopefully by doing so I’ll be able to help someone else. How did it start? When Barry and I first got married, I went to the doctor for a yearly check up. He told me I was overweight and needed to lose some pounds. I knew I wasn’t skinny, but a doctor had never told me that I was in need of losing some pounds. I went home that day and immediately began to diet. I cut all my portions in half or less. Guess what? I started to lose weight – fast. I loved it……..so I lost some more. Then, I started an exercise regimen. Every day at 4:45am, I’d get up and go out to run about 5 miles. Every day. If it rained, I ran…..if it snowed, I ran. One time I ran in the sleet and had a hard time getting back to the house. Barry was very upset……rightly so. He saw what I was doing to myself, and asked that I take at least one day a week to rest from exercise. So, I agreed and designated that day as Sunday.I liked the control that losing weight gave me. I also liked the attention. I heard “Wow! You’re so skinny!” all the time. Never once before I lost weight did I hear “Wow! You’re just the right weight.” I placed a LOT of importance on what other people thought about me…..and that’s where my real problem started. If I could stay skinny, then people would think I was amazing and very self-disciplined. So, I began on a downward spiral of eating little and exercising much. I would eat when Barry was at home, but when he went to work I’d eat very small amounts of low calorie things, just to fill up so my stomach wouldn’t growl……..I ate tons and tons of fruits and vegetables. Sometimes I would tell Barry that my stomach was upset just so I wouldn’t have to eat. On Sundays we’d visit his parents or my parents and eat what they cooked. If I felt like I ate too much, then Monday when Barry went to work I’d take laxatives so that I could get rid of the extra things I felt like I’d eaten. If we went to a restaurant, I’d scour their website beforehand and choose the thing in the menu with the least amount of calories. It didn’t matter if I liked it or not…….that was what I was going to eat. I lost all joy concerning food. I couldn’t think about anything other than food. I didn’t want to eat ANYWHERE else but at home. Somewhere else didn’t give me the control I had at home. I was miserable…..a prisoner. I got down to 110 pounds. I looked awful, but felt powerful. My family and friends were concerned, but no one would confront me. When Barry and I decided to get pregnant, the doctor told me I would need to gain some weight…..so I did. I gained up to about 125 pounds. That was VERY hard, but I wanted to get pregnant, so I kept telling myself I’d just lose it later. While pregnant, I gained the allotted 25 pounds. I guess I knew I had a problem when I asked the doctor as soon as Annie came out of my womb “So, when can I run again?” Even though I knew something was wrong, I didn’t fix it then. I waited several more months. I can’t tell you what made me decide to change. I just remember that one day while feeding Annie I had an “awakening” moment. Did I want Annie growing up watching me eat? Learning how to eat this way? Thinking she was only successful if she was skinny? NO!!!!!!! I knew I had to change. I was miserable…..I was making Barry miserable because I was miserable. The last straw was when one day Barry found my little note pad in my bedside table. I’d been weighing myself every day and writing it down…..down to a tenth of a pound – very specific. He told me something had to change.I did some internet research and found this book. It has changed my life. In it, Karen talks about how to change your thinking so that you aren’t a slave to food…..how to eat NORMALLY. A normal person eats when they’re hungry and stops when they’re full. A normal person says “I’m hungry. What would I like to eat?” Did you know a normal person will also eat if they’re having a craving……even if they’re not hungry? This was astonishing to me! I can be normal…..I will be normal. For Annie. For Barry. For myself.
I’ve been learning my hunger and fullness signals. I’ve been learning how to look at a menu and ask myself, what would I TRULY like to eat? Not, what looks like it’s the lightest option. It’s a daily journey. Daily. It’s hard……but it’s better than being miserable. I’ve eaten peanut butter after 5 years of staying away from it because it was “fattening.” When you read my posts and I say that I love butter, I really mean it! It tastes delicious! Now, I’m not eating the entire stick, but I am enjoying the flavor. Nothing is off limits. I just quit when I’m full or satisfied. God created it all…..moderation is the key. He doesn’t want us to be a slave to food. One of the hardest parts of this journey is the weight I’ve gained. So far I’m up about 10 pounds….and it’s likely that I’ll gain more. I quit running because I felt like I needed to do it to keep my weight down. Instead I’ve been doing aerobics because I ENJOY IT! Wow. Running was because I wanted to stay skinny…..aerobics is fun. What a big change for me! I’m still well within healthy weight range…….but I know people look at me and see that I’ve gained weight. It’s hard for me to focus on myself when I worry about what others are thinking. Barry is helping me work through this……I need to focus on me, not on what others think of me. Barry has put up with a lot. I know he truly loves me…….I’m a very lucky woman to have a man who will be so supportive. He’s mine, so back off! 🙂 Did you know it’s ok to gain weight? TV and magazines won’t tell you this. Every time I pick up a magazine, it’s full of articles about how to lose weight fast…..how to deny cravings……how to exercise and get a flat tummy. It bombards me on every side. It’s hard being around other women too. They always want to talk about losing weight or trying to “be good” around food. Good grief. What have we done to ourselves? We’re pathetic. Shouldn’t we just enjoy the food that God gave us……eat when we’re hungry and stop when we’re full? So, all that was said to tell you that I’m working through a journey. Barry and my Mama are doing great at keeping me accountable. I will make it……and for the first time in a long time I have joy around food again. You’ve seen it on here…hence all the butter! 🙂 If you’re struggling and I can help you in some way, by being supportive or just listening, please send me an email via the contact page. I’m not where I need to be, but I’m on the way! With God’s help, I’ll make it. I’m excited to get there. I’d rather be several pounds heavier and happy than to be skinny and live in constant fear of gaining a pound. Life is too short, and I aim to enjoy it. |
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I love this! As someone on a lifetime battle with an eating disorder and the mom of a daughter, this is awesome. Thank you for your transparency. women in church diet like nothing I’ve ever seen but don’t ever talk about the “dangers “. I wish we, as a church, would talk about this more.
Thanks for commenting, Kristin!
Julie, HH Team
Stacy, I was browsing your blog and read this. Thank you! I don’t think this gets talked about enough, and I think in church there are conflicting messages — the message about not being vain about your looks, but also the “crave Jesus not food” stuff that I keep getting sent to me by “helpful” friends and church family, who I think mean well but are clueless about my struggle. I may be over 200 pounds, but my biggest struggle in dieting is eating regularly and not starving myself, which is actually easier to do for me than eating regularly. 25-30 years of this, and I no longer have an appetite. It’s 3:45 and I still haven’t had anything to eat today…and I’m not hungry.
Love your transparency!! Thank you for sharing! I have voiced recently that I have struggled with food issues and you’re right God is so good to reveal truth to us and to heal us… What a father! Praying for you on your journey!! xoxo
It’s been over three years now – I’m doing well. Thanks be unto God. 🙂
What beautiful honesty. As women we DO get such awful messages from our media about how our outward appearance is supposed to be who we are, instead of the true message that we are that beautiful loving spirit that God created. Like you, I don’t want to pass on negative images about how to eat to shape my body to my daughter by how I eat and act. You are being prayed for, Stacy.
Oh Stacy, I am in tears. My husband had a dear, sweet student that was hospitalized because of this. And for her it is a control thing. Her parents are not equipped to help her. I think she has become the black sheep. Thank you for the book suggestion – I will pass it along.
Oh, the link isn’t working . . .
I’ll fix it!
Wow, Stacy. What a powerful post, and it exposes what I think a lot of ladies go through to stay ‘fit’. Though it’s not a healthy version of ‘fit’. I’m so inspired by your honesty, and your courage to walk out of this mental slavery. I know Annie will really benefit from having a Mama who is GENUINE and who enjoys life and true health! ♥
The book, “The Truth About Beauty” is really a wonderful read. She also came out of an eating disorder, and it’s ASTOUNDING how moving into true health really magnified her inner and outer beauty.
Thank you, Gwen. 🙂
Thank you for sharing this! I really appreciate you sharing this — I just discovered your blog recently, and am so inspired by you! Just thought I would write a note to say that I encourage you and thank you!
Also — you’re right about the ‘being good around food’ stuff being so pathetic — I’ve been EXTREMELY lucky to find great women who don’t act like that, and to put them in my life!
You’re great, thanks again!
🙂 Thanks! I think I’m a recovering addict now. 🙂 Two years into it and I’m doing great! Thank you for the encouragement.
You’ve helped me today. I’d like to hear more about your struggles – seems similar in ways to mine. I’m most interested in your methods of overcoming – please get a hold of me!
Hi Claire. 🙂 I really would suggest that you read The Rules of Normal Eating (http://www.bulimia.com/productdetails.cfm?PC=1344). Moving to a more natural lifestyle and eating REAL food has helped me a lot on this journey. BUT, there are still days that I struggle. Still days that I think about skipping a meal to knock off a pound or two. Still days when I think “Barry isn’t here, so I could just eat celery to curb my appetite.” BUT, then I look at my children and I smack myself. Every day is a decision for me.
You can email me if you’d like to talk more or if you ever need some encouragement. 🙂 stacy AT stacymakescents DOT com
Thanks so much for this post! I am so glad I stumbled upon your site. Have been struggling with my weight recently. I am not even technically overweight but have been heading that way for the last couple of years and I’m freaking out about it since obesity seems to be a theme in my family. I’m so tired of thinking about food all the time. What I can and can’t have. I just want to eat like a normal person and not think about it all the time. My husband and I are just starting to talk about switching to whole foods. I have 3 kids who are hooked on chicken nuggets and fruit snacks and I feel like a failure for letting this happen. Trying to research how to make the switch with small kids who are picky eaters. I know I’ve essentially trained them to be this way and now I need to undo it!
You CAN undo it!!! 🙂 Make the transition easy for them….switch to “better” nuggets and get them used to that and then start making homemade (SO easy!). You can get whole food fruit snacks too!! Annie likes these: http://www.amazon.com/Stretch-Island-Original-Strawberry-0-5-Ounce/dp/B000HG84EQ/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1346856816&sr=8-2&keywords=stretch+island+fruit+leathers
After making this decision a few years ago, I know my life (and my family) is much better off. Let me know if you need a cheerleader!
Wonderful post. I have struggled with this since highschool and am now a 24 year old new mommy. My husband is an amazing man as well that would love me at any weight. I really enjoy working out so for me it is fun, but I know there is ED issues in there to. I am so paranoid of getting fat and what people think of me. I think I may read that book you suggested. I want my relationship with food to be normalized.
I’m about 2 1/2 years out now…and I won’t say that I don’t still struggle. BUT, I am doing better. 🙂 I eat normally now and exercise normally. It’s a nice feeling to be “normal.” 🙂 If you ever need encouragement, you just come to me okay?
Hi Stacy. It took alot of strength and courage to post this. Kudos to you!
Stacy I usually get your post by email but I had to come comment. I’ll keep you in my prayers and I’m sure you’ve helped someone else today.
vickie
Thank you Vickie.
I know it’s hard to share things like that, but now you have a total support system.
I’m proud of you Stacy – I always knew you were a strong woman and you’ve just proved it again.
We’re here for you too, Stacy – just like you’re always here for us!! {{{HUGS}}}!!!!!
Thanks for sharing, Stacy. 🙂 I’m glad you’re doing better and have people who love you.
I NEED to read this book.
Thanks for sharing and opening up your heart like that!
Stacy, Thank you for your transparency. Although I have always struggled with my weight and I am on the “up” side of things right now, I have gone through EXACTLY what you have gone through, even to the point of almost being anorexic. I went the total opposite way after I had Chloe and then I had the same awakening you did. Now I am struggling to eat “normally” as well. Prayers. 🙂
Every day I have to make a conscious decision – eat when I am hungry, stop when I am full. Don’t eat based on calories alone. 🙂 Thanks for sharing Shelley.