Since last week’s post about his money and her money was so popular (and controversial!), I thought I’d tackle another sensitive subject this week – relationships and tithing/charitable giving. I’ve gotten several questions regarding the tithe and how it applies to us as Christians today. Even though Stacy wrote on what the Bible teaches about tithing a while back, one thing I would like to address is the issue of what to do when your spouse disagrees about a course of action when it comes to giving.
First off, if couples agreed about everything when it came to how to spend their money, it would be SCARY. So let me start by saying it is perfectly okay to disagree about money. In fact, I would encourage you and your spouse to have some disagreements about things every now and then. It will help make sure you actually communicate with each other about what matters to you, and that is always a good thing! Equally importantly, I have a pretty standard rule that you should never spend money on something until you can agree on the budget. If you are looking at tithing, a full 10% of your total budget, a disagreement here will KILL your entire budget.
So back to our discussion about giving when you can’t agree. Lots of people think tithing is only an Old Testament concept and so it doesn’t apply anymore. So what if I tell Stacy that we’re going to stop tithing on our income because I don’t believe it is required? How should she respond? While the Bible clearly teaches that a wife is to submit to her husband as the head of their household, she is also to help him change his mind if she believes he is doing wrong (please don’t think I’m promoting nagging – I’m promoting open discussion). In this case, since I believe tithing is an active Biblical mandate for all believers, I think there are a few things that husband and wife should discuss if you can’t agree on the subject of tithing.
First, Stacy addressed in her tithing post that tithing is mentioned in the Old Testament long before the law was given to Moses (in Genesis 14, to be a bit more exact). She also mentioned that Jesus chided the Pharisees in Matthew chapter 23 for neglecting other matters of the faith while focusing strictly on the tithe. This makes it clear that Jesus didn’t want them to stop tithing, but instead wanted them to recognize that wasn’t their only duty as a believer. As believers, if it was practice before the law and Jesus mentioned it after He showed up to fulfill the law; that seals it for me and should make for a point of discussion for you and your spouse.
Second, your church is scripturally mandated to do many things. How could they do these things if you didn’t give them the funds to do them? I know there are plenty of churches out there that fail miserably to be good managers of the money they’re given, but those are the churches I don’t want to attend. If you’re attending a church that is preaching the gospel, taking care of the poor, the orphans and the widows as mentioned numerous times in scripture, there is money required to do all of this. Where is it to come from if not from you?
Third, you and I both know that when we are generous, we are happier people. I’ve seen from numerous sources the example of a hundred dollar bill wadded up in someone’s fist that guarantees the money won’t escape. At the same time, it also guarantees more money can’t come in. An open hand can allow money to come and go – to flow through the person. I believe this is an even bigger reason for us to be givers to our local church. If I attend a church that is actively helping the community and I’m motivated to give to ANY charity, wouldn’t the church be the absolute best choice? Even though it will likely generate some hateful comments, let me be so bold to say that if you don’t believe your church is the best place to invest your charitable giving, maybe you’re attending the wrong church.
So what do you think? What advice would you give to a couple arguing about whether to give (to their church or otherwise)? Let the debate begin!
My husband has spent a lot of money, (undisclosed amount to me) on one of our pastor’s vehicles. New tires, inspection, A/C work. Now he wants me to go with him to drive it from Texas to California to deliver it to the Pastor’s college age daughters. Then we would have to fly back. This will cost hundreds of dollars, if not $1,000 or more. He wants to make a trip out of it for us. I asked him weeks ago to stop his charitable giving until we could discuss it. He refuses. I want him to help our son pay for his car repairs and he won’t. Our youngest son is 25, works and lives with us rent free. What should I do? Refuse to go with him on principal? He says he will fly me out there if I don’t want to make the 2 day drive. I’m upset and he just clams up if I tell him
I don’t agree; or he yells at me for not managing my money better. I am a school bus driver who hasn’t had income for months and will be starting back to work within a few weeks.
This is the tip of the iceberg. He received an inheritance last year which he never told me the amount of. I found out our children and his sister’s were cut out of his mother’s will by the younger, childless brother who was the executor. He paid off our house, and did some renovations, but hasn’t helped our children. Also now he is working for his brother and won’t tell me what he is being paid. We are expecting our first grandchild in December and I don’t want to return to work, especially with all the extra sanitizing work and restrictions with Covid-19. He says things would be too tight if I don’t work.
Should I speak to the pastor privately?
By a miracle my semi believing husband lets me tithe and give to our church’s fast offering but he flew off the handle when he found out I gave a homeless man a $7.00 meal. It was disheartening. I have never bought a homeless person food in the 4 years we have been married and I realized how hard his heart was. I keep thinking is this really the kind of relationship God wants for me? What do you say to someone whose husband is so oppossed to giving money, time or really anything to anyone not under his roof. I am heartbroken because I love to serve the Lord and he does not. We also are having our first baby in May and I just keep thinking how is our home ever going to be united.
This comment went to spam Court, so I am so sorry for the late response. I can only imagine the difficulty you are facing in your marriage. Neither Stacy or Barry is a licensed counselor so their advice is limited. But both agree you can never underestimate the power of praying for your spouse and your marriage. The advice may sound trite, but God promises us in his word that prayer is powerful and the best tool we have against the powers of the evil one. Prayer changes – whether it changes us, our circumstances or those we pray for. Lifting you up in prayer right now, Court.
Julie, Humorous Homemaking Team
My husband and I have been married 7 years and each are employed. I brought two incredible children into the marriage. My husband had no children but we each have been married before. He is a believer but not a church goer ay about all this). I attend church regularly and give, first to the church and to other charitable organizations in whose missions I believe (and am usually involved). I give out of my income. For me, I am answering the call of God and not crossing my husband. He’s very aware of my intent, belief and actions. It works for us.
As long as he agrees with this process, it works. The challenge I find is when a spouse gives when the other person says they disagree with it. Some have argued that they give anyway and that argument has some merit (God first, spouse second, for example), but the reality is that if you can’t agree on 10% of your budget, you likely can’t agree on the other 90% either.
I think the difference in tithing under the law and the “New Testament” tithing is that tithing under the law required a strict 10 percent, while Christ requires EVERYTHING.
To have and to not give is sinful, in my opinion. To ignore someone in need, to disregard the hungry, to not help the hurt — that kind of thing hurts Christ, leaves Him needing, hurt, and hungry.
Ten percent is a good place to start, but there are so many needs in the world today that I cannot imagine ignoring them because you’ve satisfied a ten percent number.
I was once married to an unsaved man. He did not allow me to tithe. Rather than disobey my husband, I did the best I could, scraping money and giving “under the radar”. To me, that was one of the most stressful aspects of my really stressful marriage – knowing what I should be doing in Christ versus what my husband’s selfish and addicted motives required of me.
Now I have a separate “tithe” account. The only time my husband gets onto me about tithing is when that bank balance is too high. As far as he is concerned, he puts money into it and I should pull it out just as fast. If it has a balance, then I’m not giving enough.
Hallee
For me, the 10% tithe doesn’t have much to do with the other things we “give.” The 10% is what we give to the church, but we give beyond that amount – where we see a need. But for most people who don’t give at ALL, tithing is a good place to start. And once you’re tithing, you find that it feels so wonderful, and you’re so blessed that you just continue to give whenever you can. 🙂
Excellent point about Jesus requiring all. I am thankful we are no longer under the law, but under Grace. 🙂
I’ll comment. Can’t believe there aren’t any at this point. I have this problem because my husband is not a believer. I came back to the Lord 4 years ago after being on a stray path. I love the Lord with all my heart and he knows what I am going through. When it comes to tithing our church says “give what you can, but strive to give 10%” Tithing also isn’t all money. They tell us that tithing is also service, time, and prayer. I talked to my husband about tithing and how I felt it was important. He was ok with me giving but not at the 10% level. I also am a stay at home mom, so my income is nill to non-existent. My solution was to pray. I pray throughout the week for God to tell me how much to give. Some weeks he presents opporunities to do service instead and some weeks its both money and time. My giving at this moment varies so much but fairly regularly it’s about 3%. I wish I could give more and I believe someday I will. I give what I can and try to make up by doing other things that some wealthier people may not be able to have time to do. Summer months I tithe my garden produce to be bought by people to support church functions so that budget money does not need to be used. I tithe my egg production from my chickens each week for lower income families that can’t afford to buy the little things each week. In a nutshell I try to be a blessing to people as much as I can and tithe whatever the Lord lays on my heart.
Thanks for sharing Eileen!