It is common practice among married couples to keep separate checking/savings accounts and then separate out the bills in some agreed-upon manner and operate the household finances that way. They’ll divide things up where he pays the mortgage and his car payment, while she pays her car payment, the electricity and the groceries…or something like that. This concept has never made sense to me, but people will fight and argue until they’re blue in the face that this is the right way to operate a household budget. I believe it is a dangerous way to manage your household finances for many reasons. I wanted to use this post to talk about four reasons separate accounts are a bad idea:
- Having separate accounts kills communication – With separate accounts, unless your husband is asking you to borrow money, he isn’t discussing anything about money with you. He buys whatever he wants and as long as “his bills” get paid, you can’t say anything about it.
- You are wired differently than your spouse – If you are a spender, you most likely married a saver and vice-versa. I don’t want a spender to be all on his own, leaving the saver with the full responsibility of being mature with her finances while he’s off doing something stupid with his. Going back to #1, he’ll talk to her about money when (and only when) he’s asking her to bail him out.
- Having separate accounts complicates things – Most of those who argue with me about having separate accounts tell me it is because it is just simpler that way. In the short term, this is true. Over the long haul however, it breeds knock-down, drag-out money fights. Let me explain. Because there is no accountability with spending or with saving when you have separate accounts, you only have to deal with money issues when there is either a maturity issue or a crisis. For example, who is responsible to make sure you’re putting enough away for retirement? Who handles the emergency fund (if you have one)? Who makes the final decision if your child is sick on expensive treatment and who pays for it? See what I mean? Those examples just scream, “LET’S HAVE A FIGHT!”
- Having a joint account provides accountability and encourages fidelity – If I were to go out and run around on Stacy (trust me, I’m not that stupid), I’d either have to be super creative about figuring out a way to pay for it or be ready to answer questions about why there was a transaction titled: “ATM Withdrawal – Hookers ‘R Us” on our checking account statement. As dumb as men are sometimes (I speak as an authority on this issue), I believe it is important to have every possible boost on remaining true to your spouse.
I could keep going, but I think you get my point. When you have separate finances from your spouse, you are telling me you don’t trust your husband. When you keep separate accounts, you’re telling me you have something to hide from your wife. When you can’t combine your accounts when you get married but are willing to have children with that person, you’re telling me that you aren’t convinced this thing is going to last.
We have been blessed that Stacy does not have to work outside the home. This means she has some income, but it is sporadic and for now, a lot less than my income from my steady job. Does this mean that if she needs something, I’m supposed to “loan” her the money since I love her and want to help meet her needs? That is just dumb. The whole “and the two shall become one” thing applies here. If you are keeping separate accounts, stop it. Immediately. You need to start having some constructive discussions about money matters. Engage in open conversations, including healthy disagreements and resolutions, until you address whatever barriers are preventing you from sharing your finances openly.
Finishing up my post. My husband says he works hard for his money and ought to be able to spend his money where he wants to.
I had my email wrong on my previous post.
I’m sorry, Lisa! That sounds like something that you might want to get some outside counseling from… Maybe a pastor or family counselor? I wish I had better advice, but that’s not my area of expertise.
Julie, Humorous Homemaking Team
What can I do if my husband has refused to combine our money. For 15 years I paid almost all our bills while my husband gave me only half his income to help pay them and he bought lots of big ticket items while I had to scrounge for drink money. Now I’m disabled and he has to pay a majority of the bills but every cent of my disability income is spent on billls and he still has money to spare. Still spends what he wants and I do without. And he resents me for it. He still forces me to pay out all my income on bills so I have zero left for things I need and have to beg him for money to buy groceries for our family. He purchased a large deep sea fishing boat last year and I can’t even buy makeup or underwear. Yet he blames me for all our financial problems and absolutely refuses to stop spending. He says he gives me money all the time and every cent he gives me is for our children or groceries. He tells all our friends and our grown children that he pays everything and I don’t pay anything. He also says I’m the reason he has no money because of my out of control spending.
What do you do when your husband doesn’t want a joint account but you do?
Hey Jennifer, this is a common issue I have to address. Why? I believe it is because most people see this as a money issue when I would argue it is a marriage issue. While the question is centered around money, its root is actually in marital trust. So…my answer is this: when your husband doesn’t want a joint account, start to seek out why he doesn’t want it and work on those root causes. I have never seen separate accounts work better than joint accounts unless the couple is aiming for failure in their finances and their marriage. Committing EVERYTHING (including money) to your marriage is the best way to ensure you work together to succeed.
It always makes my heart sad to hear couples have separate accounts. It is often (not in every case, certainly, but often) just them saying they are accepting that they will disagree about money (even if it is only small money issues)for their entire lives. Having that sort of long term unresolved disagreement in marriage, no matter what it is about, cannot be healthy.
What to do when your husband says he would divorce you before he gets a joint checking account with you ?
Hey Tressa, this is a sad commentary on your husband’s feelings about trust. With the very little info you’ve provided here I can only give you some basic ideas/questions, but they really boil down to this: if your husband doesn’t trust you enough to share finances, he doesn’t trust you enough with lots of other things as well and that is a marriage issue, not a money issue. While money may be the focal point of his anxieties, there is something much deeper going on. When someone pushes back during a counseling session regarding combining finances, my immediate response is that marriages where couples don’t talk about money are dramatically more likely to fail because you can’t avoid talking about money without avoiding talking about just about everything else, too. Money permeates just about everything we do and communicating about money means communicating on just about everything. In a loving way, your husband needs to hear how valuable the two of you working TOGETHER on EVERYTHING is and hope he understands that message and takes it to heart. I hope that helps.
I don’t agree with what Wendy D said “but what I believe deep down is in reality those couples just don’t trust each other or they’re afraid of letting go of something they had when they were single.” My husband and I have seperate accounts but with both of our names on each account. I trust him with my whole being. My “trust” issue is that my husband wont bring home the reciepts when he buys something!!!! lol. But I do totally see where the joint idea comes from and I think it probably is the best way overall…just not in our current situation. Good debate!
It’s nice to agree to disagree. 🙂
I have always wondered how people with separate accounts decide who pays for what– a new bill, kids stuff, unexpected expenses, etc.
I know – seems like it would create a lot of conflict, huh?
I have always taken up all those bills for over 15 years then I became disabled and my husband had to pay those things for about six years now. I spend every cent of my disability income on bills and he still says I don’t pay anything. This is what happens when you have separate accounts and it causes marriage problems for 26 years
I could not agree with you more! I’ve been told that it does keep some couples from fighting, but what I believe deep down is in reality those couples just don’t trust each other or they’re afraid of letting go of something they had when they were single. My husband and I have always had our checks direct deposited into a single bill account (which is where the majority of our money goes, lol) and the rest is direct deposited into a spending account. This way, as you said, we are both accountable for the money we spend. We NEVER fight about money.
The thing that cracks me up the most about separate accounts is that, if the worst should happen and a married couple splits, both parties have a right to 50% of everything, and sorry to tell you this, but that includes EVERY PENNY in your separate accounts, along with everything else.
Excellent points Wendy! 🙂
We have always had joint accounts. No other way for us! My parents have always done the same. What’s mine is his what’s his is mine.
One of the first things we did was add each other to our accounts when we first got married. My account became the secondary one where we socked away extra money, while his became the primary one where we work from financially. I couldn’t imagine having separate accounts, esp if we didn’t have access to each others’!
I know…it would be super weird. Like my husband was holding something back from me.
Well…. Greg and I have separate accounts. We pay all household expenses from his. We pay all of daughters college expenses with mine. Trust me college is a whole other budget!!!! We both have access to both accounts too. This works well for us. Courtney graduates in May from college and then next year it will be calebs turn. He isn’t sure what he wants to do or where he wants to go yet. He is a junior in high school so decisions will be coming soon for him too. Then my paychecks will be going toward his college expenses. Now you know the reason I went back to work full time!! Thank the Lord I love nursing!
Wonderful post! My husband & I have had our finances together forever… even when we were dating we never looked at it as “yours & mine”, but “ours”. It works for us and I think it encourages “togetherness”.
This is a great post, Barry. Well said! You get a resounding, “AMEN,” from us!
Preacher…..choir. 🙂
I totally agree! And it promotes separateness in the home which in the long run makes divorce an easier and an okay option. Coming from a family of divorce, I would never do separate accounts for this reason! I love all of the reasons you mentioned here!
Good post. Well said.
I actually have an allowance account. My husband puts 10% of his pay into it. That’s my account to buy groceries, clothes for children, gas for vehicles, a cup of coffee if I’m out and about, etc. He pays everything else with a main account, and still has access to monitor my account if he chooses to.
This sounds a lot like the envelope system in a different form. It keeps you both accountable to take care of the household budget and the spending therein, as well as makes sure you’re both directly involved in all the finances.
I enjoyed reading this post… of course, you are preaching to the choir in that my husband and I have a joint account; not that I really concern myself with how other people handle their personal finances. Anyway, what frustrates me is that society/big business in general (to coin Stacy’s phrase THE MAN) limits my access to some joint accounts even tho’ my husband and I are married. – for some reason your post made this come to my mind.
More importantly, I would be concerned that having separate accounts might also complicate things in the event a spouse becomes deceased. – or maybe not… since I’m not an expert by any means in this area.
I hadn’t really considered this aspect of it, but you’re definitely right. It is much easier to deal with the loss of a loved one without all the added junk that having extra accounts that you don’t have immediate access to would bring. Excellent point!