Two weeks ago I buried my dad. At 62 years old, he and I were supposed to have lots of years left for me to learn from him and take care of him. But that wasn’t God’s plan. Since saying goodbye I’ve gone through the full range of emotions about everything that has happened. Thankfully I’ve not spent too much time in anger or sadness, but instead have been led back to honor and remembrance. Why? Because I’ve been inundated with stories about great things my dad did for our family and the community. My dad had been a Tennessee Highway Patrol Trooper for 36 years when he retired a couple of years ago, so he was very well known. He was well respected in the community and as I’ve learned, touched more lives than I ever dreamed possible. I hope you’ll indulge me in today’s post to share some important lessons this grieving process has taught me because I truly believe there are lessons we all can learn from my tragedy.
- There is a great deal of value in a name. Over the years I’ve heard and read things about the legacy one leaves behind and the importance of a good name. I get it now. The local paper called to interview me about dad the day after he died. From everything I told them about my dad, what did they focus on in the final article? Proverbs 22:1: “A good name is more desirable than great riches; to be esteemed is better than silver or gold.” My dad and I share the same name and for most of my life it was a burden. We would get confused on everything from the power bill to our library cards – it was a hassle to have the same name. But this process has taught me that carrying my dad’s name is a huge blessing because I also have the privilege of carrying the good reputation that goes with it.
- Honor still exists. Beginning before I even knew my dad died and every moment since, the Tennessee Highway Patrol has been outstanding. By way of an example, a THP officer came to my office to tell me of dad’s passing and to take me to the hospital because he feared it wouldn’t be safe for me to drive there myself. The head of the THP came from Nashville to be part of the funeral procession and present us with a flag. There were a dozen or more patrol cars that led us to the cemetery. Six officers wore full dress uniforms in 100-degree heat to be pallbearers.
- In the 4-½ hour visitation (yes, it was really that long), I met police chiefs, the mayor, the sheriff, judges and all sorts of other people we would consider important in society. All of them waited 2+ hours to pay respect and thank us for all my dad did.
- Grief sucks. Let me be blunt. I am not much of a crier and don’t get upset very easily, but this has been no fun. What has been the hardest moment of this whole process for me? Strangely, it was when the Appalachian Express Barbershop Chorus sang Precious Lord during his funeral. Why? Two reasons: 1) my dad was a part of that group and LOVED singing with them more than just about anything and, 2) that was one of his favorite songs. I’d heard the song many times and could sing just about every word, but seeing the chorus gather to sing it for my dad and WITHOUT him was painful and yet so beautiful.
- I’m thankful for my friends and family. I had two good friends wait in that long line just to give me a hug. As a man, hugs in my world are rare. I’m generally thankful for this fact. Nonetheless, Chris and Chad waited over 2 hours so they could simply give me a hug. If you knew these guys, you might get an idea of how much that meant to me. My family has come together and remained strong. Our distant relatives have come to offer support. My mom has more friends than I ever knew – and apparently is building a powerful legacy of her own.
- God is still good. Despite all the junk this ordeal has put my family through, I’m glad God is there. The most touching story I’ve heard about my dad is one that someone shared during the visitation. I can’t remember his name but he was a police officer who worked with my dad several years ago. There was a crash where someone was killed and my dad was first on the scene. Just after him arrived this officer who recounted that once dad had determined the man was dead, dad removed his hat and prayed for the man’s family and all involved. I’ll never forget what the officer told me. He said, “Barry, I worked a lot of wrecks. I’d never before seen someone do that and I’ve never seen it since.” My dad witnessed terrible violence and some of the worst of mankind and yet stood firm in his belief in God and love for Him. How can I do any less?
Thanks for sharing your heartfelt thoughts and emotions. I am sorry for your pain. Your father left a great legacy, he was obviously a strong Christian man. Again, thank you for sharing this story.
2012 had lots of ups and downs. Each time I start to linger on the downs I look at my kids or kiss my bride and things seem a lot better. God has blessed us.
Barry – in my Orthodox Christian world, when someone dies, reposes we say, our prayer is that his memory be eternal. Memory Eternal! And at Pascha (Easter) we sing this hymn which is also sung at Orthodox funerals: “Christ is Risen from the dead! Trampling down death by death! And upon those in the tombs bestowing life!” Memory Eternal! (And may your heart begin to heal.)
His memory will always be eternal with us. 🙂
Barry & Stacy,
That was a beautiful post about Barry. When Adam sang at his funeral, I could only think what a wonderful man he was. Everytime he came to the church at LHBC, he was always smiling & everyone looked forward to seeing him. My son, Adam said he came to Putt-Putt almost every Thursday night to bring Madalen & Bailey and the two of them would sit there for a long time & talk. He loved Barry as we all do! Praying for your family & I pray each day may get a little easier with God’s help.
Love you all!!
Thank you Denise for that wonderful memory to add to our list. Adam’s song was just beautiful.
Thank you for sharing your story. My children are walking a similar path with you as we lost my husband and their father a few months ago, and your experience(including a five hour visitation)is almost identical to ours in the loving response of our friends and family who wanted to pay respects to him and to love on us. I am still blown away that people would stand in line that long to just give a hug and let us know they cared. Not only that, they have since continued to be there for us rather than forget about us.
Everyday is a reminder of what we are missing, but more than that everyday is a reminder of how God sustains us. His grace truly is sufficient. Even on days when the grief seems to knock us to our knees it is very apparent that He is there, lifting us up and holding us. He will always be faithful. I pray that as you continue to live each day in this new “normal” you will have an abundance of joy that outweighs the pain. Death has been defeated and Christ has given the victory! Reminding yourself of Truth overtakes thoughts and feelings that Satan might tempt you to hold on to. I will be praying for you and your family. Just knowing we have been (and still are) surrounded by prayer has been incredibly powerful.
So very true. We take comfort in the fact that the Word says we’re not to grieve as those who have no hope…we DO have hope. And we’ll see him again one day. 🙂
What a beautiful post. Brought tears to my eyes and yes grief sucks. Praying for you –
Thank you so much.
Thanks for writing your thoughts out and sharing them. Your dad was a good man and a super servant of the people. God bless you and your family.
Thank you, Gary.
Beautifully written Barry. You and your family continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. Love to all of you!
Thank you Elizabeth – I appreciate you checking in on us regularly. 🙂
He sounds like a wonderful man. I’m so sorry for your loss.
He was a great man – we miss him.
Such a Godly and gracious testimony of a life well lived. What a blessing his life was and continues for many. My sympathies for the passing of a beloved father, friend and so much more.
We live our testimony each day…I’m trying to remember that now.
Thank you for something so truly poignant at this very sad time. Barry, I sincerely thank you for being able to share your words and pictures with us to allow us to understand your father and the important life he lived. Words fail at this time to fully express our sympathy however prayers will envelop around you and your family to help ease your burden.
You’re very right – sometimes there are just no words to say.
Dear Barry and Stacy,
I am sorry for your loss, but how precious to have such wonderful memories. My Grandpa was a beautiful man too and we heard lovely stories about him at his funeral. Though he was often in pain from various accidents his life always shone with the joy of the Lord. I treasure that example and memory. How wonderful that you have such great memories of your dad!
I think we were able to make it through the long hours of visitation by all the wonderful stories that we heard. 🙂
Sorry to hear about your dad Stacy.Thank you for sharing with us.What a wonderful legacy !! God bless you and your family.
Thanks Jan…it was Barry’s dad and my Father-in-Law. Barry writes on Saturdays. 🙂
Thank you for sharing! He sure sounds like a special man!
He was indeed.
This is a beautiful tribute to Barry’s Dad. Even though I don’t personally know your family it is obvious you come from “good people”. These words truly touched my heart today. Continued prayers for peace and comfort to all involved.
Thank you, Christy – please keep them coming.
I have never met you or Stacy, but I feel a genuine affection for you both and your families. What a tribute to a wonderful father. I am sure that when the time comes for you to go home to our Lord, your children will feel the same about you. Isn’t that the legacy your father left—that you will teach your children to love their families, their community, their country and most of all their Lord God bless you all.
You are very right, Susan…and in my mind, my husband is doing an excellent job. 🙂 Thank you for your sweet comment. We love you guys.
Thank you, Barry, for sharing your story of loss and grief.
I remember coming home from my Daddy’s funeral 14 years ago and telling my children and my nieces and nephews,”It really does matter what people think of you.” We, too, had stood through the receiving line for hours to greet all the people who came to pay their last respect to Daddy.
I have been praying for your family through all this, and will continue to do so. God Bless all of you.
You’re right, Janie…it really DOES matter. How often we forget.
Outstanding tribute to your dad, Barry. Very, very sweet that you did this. We will forever be grateful that Mr. Barry was part of our children’s lives.
Me too, Kelly. Me too.
Thank you for sharing a beautiful story. My heart goes out to you. I lost my father 11 years ago, very suddenly, and he too left quite a legacy for his family so I can sympathize with you. Prayers for you, your mother, and all the family.
Thank you, Patty. We know people are praying and it’s wonderful.
Your wonderful dad lived a life that we should all emulate. What a legacy he left. I am deeply sorry that he is gone from this earth, however, his spirit lives on in you, your family, his co-workers, friends and all the people he touched. Thank you for telling us about him. I am truly moved by this.
My husband has a wonderful way with words – I am very proud of him. Thank you, Cynthia.
I am so sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing this moving post. Praying for God’s peace for you and your family!
Thanks Jami.
I admire your ability to share this. We have very similiar stories. It has been less than a year since my Daddy died. He was a county deputy for over 20 years. He too was well-known, well-liked, and touched many lives. The last 20+ years of his life was spent showing everyone around him how good the Lord really is. Daddy always said, “The Lord looks after His children.” and he lived this belief. He was blessed by wisdom from the Lord, and he would share this with you, if you asked for it. Also, he was the best hugger… I still miss that.
I was given two pieces of advice from two unlikely people, but I have found them to be true. 1) There will be days when the very thought of your Daddy will literally take your breath away. Let it. 2) As time passes, the thought of him will bring smiles and fond memories instead of tears.
My prayers are for the smiles and memories to come quickly for you and your family.
Thank you, Edith – that was beautiful.
Wow…thank you for sharing that… It breaks my heart to know you and your family are going through such a great loss but what you just wrote has convicted my heart. I admire people like your father who leave that kind of impression on the world and I often think I could never do that. But I know I can and this has strengthened my resolve to be that kind of person. I am praying for you and your family during this time. And thank you again for being so open!
We can all be that kind of person. 🙂
Thank you Barry. For your honesty and candidness. It is so easy to be angry. Grateful God has provided you with his peace.
The peace of God passes all understanding. Thanks Sara.
I lost my parents years ago and have found when grief and emptiness strikes, look for the beautiful moments – those are the LORD’s footprints surrounding you.
And we are blessed with MANY beautiful moments.
Such a beautifully written reflection of a Godly man. My husband lost his father four years ago this November. There were so many people who took the time to wait in line at the visitation to share with us how he had touched their lives in some way. There was even someone from the grocery store he frequented who waited to pay his respects. While my father-in-law was still alive I had many register people see my last name on my check and ask if I was related to him. While it touched us to see such an outpouring, it also saddened us that we did not see that side of him very often as my husband and him were not very close. All of that to say it is so great to get a glimpse of what a genuine relationship Barry was able to have with his father. I am blessed to still have both my parents living and in the same town. Whenever my out of town siblings grouse about them, I’m quick to remind them that we still have them and who knows for how much longer. It’s moving memoirs like Barry’s that truly bring that home. Thanks so much for sharing something so personal with us.
We much cherish every moment…they are so short.
Wow! What a wonderful testimony of your dad’s walk with Jesus. Something for all of us to think about. Will continue to remember you and your family in my prayers.
Our testimony is what we leave behind. 🙂
So sorry for your loss. Your father sounds like a caring, loving man and will be missed by many. But one nice thing is they will have happy, positive memories of him. Take care.
Yes, we’ll always have those. 🙂
What a testamony and example he was and still is. What memories surround you and your family. Yes, God is good no matter what is going on in our lives. May He wrap His arm around all of you and comfort you. Take care.
God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.
What a wonderful tribute to your Dad! He sounds like an amazing person!
Praying for comfort during this time.
He was one of the best men I ever knew. 🙂
Dear Barry and Family,
May you find peace and comfort during these difficult days. I feel your pain.. it was exactly a year ago today that I lost my dear and wonderful father suddenly at age 64, with what sounds like a very similar community reaction. I have always said Dad was the definition of a “gentleman”- he was the most kind and GENTLE man. Reading your post was very healing for me. I agree with your sentiments exactly. It is so hard to loose a wonderful man too soon with no warning. But please know that your beloved father does live on and will always be with you. God is Good- as my little girl said last year at Granddads funeral “his visit is over, and he has gone home to be with Our Father”. I know that your Dad is happy and well. It is us, left behind temporarily that suffer the pain of loss. Carry on in your Dads fine memory and build on your family legacy. Continue to be the son, father, husband and friend he loved and was surely so proud of. Feel the feelings, its OK, and it is healing. This too, shall pass.. and you will be richer and wiser for it.
Thank you, Jani, for the wonderful and beautiful comment. We are sorry that you too had to go through something like this.
I am so sorry for your loss! You and your family are in our prayers during this difficult ordeal.
I want to thank you for sharing this with us though, it is a great reminder to us about how easy it is to do something nice for someone, even someone we don’t know, because we never know who is watching us, or what kind of difference we can make.
This truly touched my heart, thank you.
It was so moving to me, as Barry’s wife, to stand beside him and hear all these stories….from people we never even knew. Gives me new perspective. People will remember me by my actions – they better be good.
Thank you so much for sharing.
Thank you so much for being our friend. 🙂
Beautiful!
Thanks Anne. I agree. 🙂