There are lots of things I’ve learned about being a parent since Annie was born. For example, she has more energy than I ever will. She tests me to see how I’ll react when she disobeys. She asks me LOTS of questions. Along the way, I’ve come to appreciate my parents a lot more and what they went through raising me. Given that Bean’s due any day now (hopefully September 8th or so), I spend a lot more time reflecting on my priorities and trying to understand what God expects of me as a parent. I could quote most of the Bible verses about being a parent long before she was born and could still show off my mad Bible memorization skills if pressed today. The trouble is the Bible verse all parents learn as their first directive is pretty darn vague. “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6). What’s this “way he should go” stuff about? What’s this lack of departing promise? Don’t you want your kids to “depart” one day? Isn’t that why you train them anyway, to be independent and able to depart? I know, I know, that’s not what that verse is really about, but it brings up a good point – why is it so hard to be a parent and why didn‘t God give us such explicit instructions as to give us no excuse for screwing it all up?
Here’s my take – God uses children to teach us as much or more than he gives us children to be trained. I can’t give you scripture to back that up, but I’ve learned more about myself, my sinful nature, my shortcomings and my difficulties since Annie has been around than in all the years prior. God has proven I can’t do it alone. So as I’m preparing to become a father again VERY soon, I thought I‘d share some of my reflections on what I need to be reminded of as I start this parenting process again with a new baby.
First, I need to teach my kids they are valued. The Bible makes it pretty clear that I am valuable as a child of God. My children need to understand the value they have to their mommy and me, and more importantly, the value they have to God. Since one of my primary tasks is to point them to God and his holiness, I can’t leave out the value of His mercy and love and what great value that gives them.
Second, I need to make sure they know the reason behind discipline. So I can be sure to get lots of hateful comments, I’ll go ahead and tell you I believe in spanking. I believe in the use of the rod as a tool of discipline, but more importantly, I’m a student of God’s word in how and why I’m to discipline as I do. When I spank Annie, my goal is to approach her lovingly and explain that she is being spanked because of her disobedience and God’s command that I discipline her for it. If done right, the spanking is not the focus – restoration is. Beyond what I’ve read in the Bible about discipline, Tedd Tripp’s book, Shepherding a Child’s Heart, has been an excellent resource to help me control my anger, discipline in love and focus on the heart, not the symptoms. I need to make sure my children understand discipline.
Third, I need to make sure Annie and Bean know how much I love their mom. I constantly must show Stacy that she is my one true love, my partner, my helpmate and best friend. I already see Annie watching how Stacy and I interact and asking questions about it. Kids learn by watching, then model the behaviors they see. If they see mommy and daddy fighting, what will the kids believe is the right thing to do? If they see respect, honor and mutual trust, what will they believe?
Fourth, I need to make sure my family knows I am committed to them. Too often, I see families that are looking for an excuse to call it quits. Dad is bored with mom, mom is bitter with dad, children are filled with anger, etc. I believe this is due to a lack of commitment by the entire family to stick out – no matter what. My family should never doubt that I’m coming home at the end of each workday to be with them. My family must never wonder if I’m going to disappear one day because “I just can’t take it anymore.” My family must know I’m committed to be the husband/dad I promised to be.
As I eagerly await the arrival of our new little one, I’m asking God to show me more of these needs and help me internalize the lessons. I can’t think of anything better to pray in these last few weeks before I start the parenting process all over again. I’d love to hear your lessons and reminders because I’ll be pretty darn sleep-deprived for a while and anything you can do will help!
Yes, true discipline does. But spanking not so much. Think of how you learned as a child. As humans we learn most by example. When you are charitable, children learn charity. When you love your neighbor your children learn to love their neighbors. When you are honest in difficult circumstances, children learn to value honesty.
When you hit them what did they learn? How is that connected to righteousness? It makes no sense whatsoever. There are many verses in the Bible that people can use to justify any behavior they want, but that doesn’t mean that their interpretation is the Lord’s way. I don’t see how Hebrews 12:11 justifies hitting a young child. Do you?
Hebrews 12:11 doesn’t directly address the METHOD of discipline, and I’m never seeking justification for “hitting” anyone, child or not. Spanking and hitting are two very different things to me. You may consider this a semantic difference but I believe the intention of hitting someone is strictly for inflicting pain as a response of anger or self-defense – a fighting response, if you will, such as a punch or other strike. Thus, spanking can be “hitting” if I do it in anger. Consider Proverbs 23:13-14 if you would want to discuss spanking as the method of discipline, as it even uses such strong language as “beating with a rod” to save [a child’s] soul from hell. Since I don’t suspect we’ll agree on the method of discipline and I don’t know what it would add to the discussion to make an additional discourse on it here, I would instead like to thank you for bringing up what I consider the more important aspect of what you said – learning by example. Discipline is only a small portion of learning, but setting an appropriate example is a very large part of the learning process. Like almost all children, I watched those around me to learn how to navigate life and find myself mimicking today much of what I saw modeled for me when I was a child. To directly address your question of what example I was given when I was spanked, I come up with at least a couple off the top of my head: 1) there are strong and painful consequences to disobedience and, 2) as long as my parents have done a good job of setting the expectation of what I am to do/not to do, those consequences are in my hands. I can choose to obey or disobey. If the expectation and consequences are clear, I’m allowed to choose my path. I believe those two lessons are extremely valuable examples of how “real life” works. Thanks again for your comment; I hope this responds well to you and helps the discussion.
I really don’t think your children will learn much from spanking, except that it’s okay to be hit or that if you are bigger than the other person it is okay to hit them, if you have a good reason. I was spanked as a child and learned nothing from it. I actually preferred a good spanking to almost any other punishment. My parents (very good-hearted people) believed it was for my own good of course, and honestly I am a law abiding citizen, never even had a speeding ticket but I wish they had never hit me. As a child I learned it was okay for me to be hit by someone who loves me. As an adult I found myself in an abusive marriage. It is hard to justify having your parents hit you for years and then stop justifying hitting simply because you are older. I am so glad those days are behind me, but I have chosen to never hit my children whether it be out of love or anger. I want them to know that love doesn’t hurt. There are so many ways to truly teach children. If they are selfish, have them do service. If they have been ungrateful, have them write people random thank you notes, if they are lazy, give them extra jobs. If they are aggressive, give them a chance to be gentle.
The root of the word discipline means “disciple, or pupil”. How did Christ treat his disciples? He never hit them, though he certainly taught them through experiences, parables, and example and at times chastised them.
What did Christ say about little children: Matt 18:3 “Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven”
Matt 18:6 “But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea”
Strong words from One who is also referred to as the Prince of Peace.
Parents have been commanded to bring their children up in righteousness, but I have no idea how hitting there back side will teach them anything about that.
All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness. (Hebrews 12:11)
That’s our goal. 🙂
Great article! I am #4 of six children. Our parents spanked us out of love and biblical discipline. I never felt that I had been “beaten” or wrongfully punished. As I grew older I have thanked my parents MANY TIMES for spanking me and not letting me be a brat!
I’ve thanked my parents as well, Miriam. It’s a hard job – so it’s nice to be able to let them know how much we appreciated the work they did for us. 🙂
Barry, I had to think and pray on this a bit. The Hebrews 12:7 verse is lifted from a pericope that says we scourge our children. The same word is used to describe what Messiah received with the cat-of-nine-tails-like beating. Just in case anyone sources your source on google or bing and says: Aha! I can beat them to an inch of their lives. Um, I pray we all can agree that level of punishment is not right.
Great article Barry parenting is a great responsibility that God entrusted us with and we only have one chance to do it right no do overs. I feel so proud to have raised three wonderful daughters. I could not have done it without a strong Christian faith/family/and a wonderful husband!!
And I’m sure your daughters are appreciative. 🙂
Great post, Barry! This was what I needed today! I wanted to comment on the part about loving Stacy. Children need to see that their moms respect their dads & their dads love their moms! Too many parents put their kids first and when their kids are gone they have no idea who they are married to! We must maintain our marriages! Our children learn how to be husbands & wives and fathers & mothers from us!
Christina, I am so blessed that Barry shows me love every single day…and when I see Annie grinning as she sees it, it makes me grin too. 🙂
Very positive article! I love to hear about dedicated husbands and fathers! And, for the record I 100% agree. 🙂
I love hearing from dads too! 🙂
If you don’t discipline your kids you are catering to child centered parenting which produces kids who think the world revolves around them and they are selfish and rude. We are ALL born with a sinful nature because of the fall of Adam & Eve so we need discipline. You don’t have to teach a child to be selfish and say “no” but you do have to teach them to think of others etc.
I remember the first time I saw Annie show a sign of selfishness. It was a like a slap in the face, and God said – there you are Stacy…wow.
Agree with you 100%. My husband says he might be in prison today if it weren’t for the spankings he got as a rowdy youngster! (He’s a practicing physician today)
LOL Please tell your husband that I said thanks for the laugh. 🙂
Very good article! I really appreciate the fact that it is your desire for Annie to understand why she’s being corrected or disciplined. And, as you pointed out in an above comment, we are not to spank out of anger. I was spanked a LOT as a child and always out of anger. That is abuse. And clearly I never learned anything from it. However, as a parent now, I do spank my children. Not of out of anger, and not for every little thing they do, but when it is necessary. And before and after I talk with my children about why they are being spanked and they understand it. When I am spanking them I am not beating them with all my might or just wildly hitting them all over. That would be abuse. A few smacks on their bottoms and they get the point. My children know I love them and they know that I am not trying to hurt them, but that I am lovingly correcting them in the hopes and prayers that they learn to do right. We talk about the verses in Proverbs – My son, despise not the chastening of the LORD; neither be weary of his correction: For whom the LORD loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whome he delighteth. (Prov 3:11,12). We don’t despise God’s chastening of us because we know He does it for own good and because he loves us. It is also the reason we discipline our children – for their own good and because we love them. As long as anger is not the reason for the spanking I don’t see it as abuse in any way. Thank God for the Godly parents who love their children enough to actually discipline them and train them up in the way they should go. It is a rarety these days.
Christy, what a fabulous comment. I love the verse you used. Thank you for adding such a wonderful side to the discussion. 🙂
Barry, has anyone told you that you do like to bring up some of the most controversial statement/topics on Saturday morning? I mostly smile and ignore them but this is one I am very vested in. Well, as an older parent of young children, the book is: A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23 by W. Phillip Keller (1977, Hardcover) : W. Phillip Keller (Hardcover, 1977). I can say that when it came out, and was the buzz of sermons, it changed how my mom thought about discipline as punishment and she worked at becoming a discipline as teacher person. While a little late for my backside, the younger siblings really flourished under her new method. If I remember the extended version of the rod and the staff correctly, the staff was a crooked piece of wood that the shepherd used to to get the lamb back to the ewe, to keep the head lamb on the path, to gather the herd and so forth. The staff was never used against the sheep or with a loud shepherd’s voice so that the animal never saw it as danger and always responded to it favorably. The rod was a club used against the enemy of the sheep/shepherd and not against the sheep. Except in one occasion. Sheep will drive themselves over a cliff if that is where the lead animal is running. The shepherd has only one option in this case – drop the lead sheep with the ultimate club toss. Whether this is culturally significant to the Scriptures is what people think about cultural relevance in the Scriptures. I would submit some consideration of the following. Thus, “thy rod and they staff; they comfort me” makes a lot more sense, otherwise, how does getting thwacked by a rod comfort me. As time progresses, the wood club evolves into an iron rod. Thus, “Messiah will rule with an iron rod” becomes more about protecting us than beating us. Today, the club is a gun carried by modern shepherds.
AS for spanking, I don’t. But I also don’t scream at them, jerk them against a wall, toss them into a time out chair, whither them with ugly words, bring their face to mine so all they see are my angry eyes, or any of the other “correct” things I see people do out of frustration and without a pointed teaching moment. Barry, you are spot on when you say discipline – either teaching/correcting/or all out punishment – is more about your attitude and what your are trying to teach. Children do test the waters – just like us, still – that is a given in parenting. I also agree they do teach us so much about ourselves; the good/the bad/and the ugly. It is an mind opening experience to be punishing something the child has done and another party says: but you do that. I am smarter about myself because of my kids.
Oh, and how old am I? My youngest child came to me and said: So, technically, I am being raised by my grandmother.
🙂 Thanks Dee. Good comment. Your references to the rod when shepherding are right – a shepherd did not use his rod to spank his sheep. However, the Biblical references for a shepherd’s rod and the rod of discipline are two different words in the Hebrew language. (http://www.blueletterbible.org/lang/lexicon/lexicon.cfm?Strongs=H7626&t=KJV)
Discipline isn’t supposed to be pleasant (http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Hebrews+12%3A11&version=NIV)…otherwise, it’s not really discipline.
You are 100% correct – discipline is about teaching and restoration, so that it yields a harvest of righteousness and peace. 🙂
“It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline?” (Hebrews 12:7)
I find Sandie’s comment “a child of God should never be hurt in any way” interesting in light of Hebrews 12:5-6 and 11 which discusses God’s discipline of His children (chastening ,scourging, and grievous – YIKES! painful!). It goes on to state that this “correction” will yield the peaceable fruit of righteousness. Additionally, Proverbs 23:13-14 states that if you beat your child with the rod, he will not die . . . you will deliver his soul from hell. As you clearly stated, correction is NEVER to be done because/when a parent is angry with a child. It is a controlled , loving process that should help the child see that there are consequences of sin and yet, just as with God, there is mercy. The parent must be obedient to God’s word so that the child sees a correct picture of God – He is just, holy and angry with sin yet merciful in His love towards those who believe.
Thank you, Lori. 🙂
I see no problems with spanking. It is a controlled swat to the rear end to emphasize how serious the discipline is, not beating the child until they are in the hospital. I was spanked 3 or 4 times my entire childhood, and you better believe I knew how serious the trouble was at those times.
No matter what kind of discipline you decide to use on your children, do something!! I am so sick of dealing with other people’s kids behaving badly with no control by the parents.
I think most people are very confused about what good Biblical spanking is…they’ve never been taught how to do it, so they just assume that it’s “beating.” A beating is NOT a spanking. And you’re right – when I got one, I knew exactly how serious the situation was. 😉
Stand your ground Barry! Good for you! The world need more parents like you.
I am very proud of him. Thanks for the comment, Sarah.
wow so many comments against spanking. I appreciate this article so much and your approach to parenting. I believe spanking is a valuable form of discipline. And I love your take on discipline as being a way to restoration. I am so sick of our culture being filled with bratty kids because we place them above us as if we need to cater to their every need. Then when they get older and rebel we say “but I did everything right! how come they rebelled against me?”
Not long ago I was in a lineup and had a child walk right past me and push me out of the way to get ahead of me. The parents did nothing about it. I think as Christians we need to humbly approach the scriptures and see what God has to say about discipline instead of just writing off what he says because we think it doesn’t apply to us anymore. I’m pretty sure the Holy One who created us and this world knows how things work a lot better then we do. He has reasons for things he says, and it’s us who needs our perspectives and hearts changed. Anyways, I’m going off on a tangent here but thanks so much for this article, I have it bookmarked for reference, and I am ordering Tedd’s book as well. I want to understand the restoration side of discipline because I know I tend to “feel bad” when I discipline my son.
If restoration is not achieved with discipline, then there is no point at all…the child learns nothing. 🙁
Hope you enjoy the book! We highly recommend it to anyone and everyone! If you ever get the chance to attend one of his conferences, they’re GREAT!
Often people focus on the method of discipline another person uses and approves or judges, rather than the salient fact: THAT THEY DISCIPLINE THEIR CHILD AT ALL. I was a preschool teacher for many years and now I have three sons of my own and I can testify that many, many children are not guided or disciplined in any noticeable way. They are rude and/or unkind and/or aggressive etc. and nothing happens as a result. Many studies about spanking have been done and many of them are…well…faulty in their bias. Basic child psychology will tell you that consistency is above all with children. Do what you do with deliberation and a goal…the goal being a child that is learning what is right and what is wrong. Judging another on how they go about that is a waste of energy.
Now I have to follow my own advice and attempt to be consistent about expecting my children to do their chores every morning…wish me luck. It’s like herding cats.
Wonderfully said! Thanks for adding this. That was my point entirely. I want my children to understand the reason for discipline and appreciate it is all about training and raising them to be Godly.
Barry,
You can lecture all you want…there is NEVER a time to put a rod on your child. NEVER…it’s abuse anyway you look at it. Wow, it is also making me decide to not read your blog.
I’m not against spanking, if it’s the appropriate discipline for that child’s temperament and to the situation. But I once heard a description of the rod that doesn’t mesh with equating it with physical punishment. A shepherd’s rod is not used for punishing the sheep. The rod was a tool for separation (separating out one shepherd’s flock from another, as Christ will separate us in the end). When it was used for guidance, a skilled shepherd gave just a gentle touch to the sheep, and they would turn where they should. It was also used as a means of protection from wild animals that might prey on the sheep.
Again, if spanking works for that child and they understand the reason for it, I think it’s an appropriate form of discipline. But I feel like “spare the rod and spoil the child” is too often used only to justify physical punishment, and people don’t understand that, in context of that culture and how the rod was actually used, that verse more likely means that you’ll spoil the child if you don’t guide them or discipline them at all!- which, as we see this newest generation of young folks grow up, I think that’s what’s happening- parents being friends more than parents and not guiding or disciplining at all.
Thanks for the great post- a lot in here to think about!
Loni, I love you girl. Your comments are always rockin’. 🙂
Most people assume the “rod” that is talked about in the discipline scriptures is the same rod that a shepherd uses – but the root and context of the word in that setting is not the same. (See reference here: http://www.blueletterbible.org/lang/lexicon/lexicon.cfm?Strongs=H7626&t=KJV)
You are 100% correct – a child should ALWAYS understand why they are being corrected…otherwise, there is no point. 🙂
Wow, not just spanking, but spanking a 3-year-old?! My boys are 7 and 10 — never hit the first one, did spank the second one, felt awful about it, and it didn’t change anything. Doesn’t make sense to me that hitting any other person is against the law, but a helpless 30-pound preschooler is ok? :shaking head: and in subscribing to your email now.
It’s so true that parenting reveals to yourself your need for God’s grace more than any other life event. I have learned so much since becoming a parent! And I love the Tripps’ work.
Every single day since Annie was born, I am reminded of my sinful nature and God’s need to restore me…children are truly a blessing. 🙂
How dare you spank your child! If she is upset with you …then you should let her use the rod on you…..see how you would like it…A child of God should not be hurt in anyway…..including spanking! I cannot believe you do that kind of stuff………stop now!
Sandie, your suggestion of allowing Annie to spank me is quite interesting to consider. It would be an interesting experiment to allow a three year old to determine the appropriate time and method of discipline in a household. As she grew older, I’m sure it would become even more interesting to allow her to “spank mommy and daddy” when she got upset with us. Currently, I would get spankings because: I don’t let her stay up late, I make her eat her dinner, I tell her to be nice to the dog, I make her get out of the bath tub when she gets wrinkly, I tell her she has to sit in her car seat, I don’t let her play outside if it is storming, I make her stay away from the street, etc., etc. Shew, I sure would be in trouble a LOT.
In all seriousness, it is unbiblical for me to spank Annie because I’m upset with her and for those who believe this is the appropriate time for discipline, I would ask them to reconsider the true purpose of discipline – training and restoration. If I ever spank Annie in my anger, I’m sinning against Annie and I am to ask her to forgive me.
We have been working through instructing a child’s heart by Tedd Tripp this summer with our church bible study. It is also a great resource for help with parenting and discipline.
Megan, we were very blessed to be able to attend a two-day conference held by the Tripp family. It was a true blessing and I would recommend it to anyone. They really get to the “heart” of the issue. 🙂