There is a disease from which virtually every parent suffers. It is called “Powdered Butt Syndrome.” Simply put, Powdered Butt Syndrome is when your parents have the concept that since they powdered your butt, they don’t want your unsolicited advice about money. I know this is true for two reasons: 1) I have parents and I’ve tried it and 2) I’ve heard about it and seen it before from others. Very scientific of me coming to that conclusion, wasn’t it? I’m commonly asked what you can do if you see your parents misbehaving with money. You’ve probably tried to talk to them about money and offer your advice, and they roll their eyes or glaze over with the look that says, “I’m not listening to you; I still smell the baby powder I put on your butt 35 years ago.” Maybe it’s because you’re totally broke and just think you have all the answers. Or maybe…just maybe…you really do have the answers for your parents’ financial woes! This week, let’s talk about how to handle money with your parents.
First, what’s the antidote to powdered butt syndrome? I know of only one – live out success and then share your story. For anyone to believe you, you have to have credibility. If you don’t walk the talk, why should I believe you? As a financial counselor, if I told you I had $40,000 in credit card debt, three car loans and was recovering from a Chapter 7 bankruptcy (I don’t have any of that, by the way – praise JESUS!), would I have any credibility as a financial counselor? Would you want my advice? I didn’t think so. If you are not in a position to be giving advice to someone about money, don’t be giving them advice! However, if you have become weird and started living on less than you make, paying off your debts like crazy and come to the realization that your FICO score doesn’t determine your value as a person, you might want to start talking to your mom and dad about how you got there. Be careful! They may be skeptical – especially if you tell them something too weird. So just mention your successes. They will be proud of you and might even give you a cookie or something. But they might also start asking you questions about how they might be able to do something differently or better than they are today. As the old phrase goes – “preach a sermon every chance you get. Use words if necessary.” Live out financial success and then talk about it.
There’s another similar question I want to address while we’re on the topic of dealing with your parents’ finances. Kids who see their parents misbehaving with money want to know what it means when their parents die. They wonder if they’ll be responsible for that debt or if it just goes away. They wonder if collectors are going to start harassing them and trying to take their inheritance if there is a lot of debt owed when mom and dad die.
When someone dies, most debts don’t simply go away. Generally speaking, the person’s assets must stand against what was owed at the time of their death. If there are enough assets of value to pay the debts, the debts get paid, and then the heirs receive the remaining as their inheritance. Let’s consider a couple of examples:
- If mom dies and she had $100,000 in assets and $40,000 in debt, taxes, etc., her estate will generally be required to pay the $40,000 and the heirs will get the remaining $60,000 as an inheritance to split up according to mom’s will (hopefully she had one – if not, that is another issue).
- If mom dies with $100,000 in assets and $150,000 in debt, the $100,000 in assets will be used to pay those debts as far as possible and the remaining $50,000 will just have to be written off by the creditor. But this means there is no inheritance.
Here’s the key to it all (and very good news) – unless you are a co-signor on your parents’ debt, when they die, you will not be responsible for the debt. Clear enough? This doesn’t mean you won’t be negatively impacted. In both scenarios above, the inheritance was reduced greatly because mom had debt that had to be paid before the inheritance could be distributed.
For those of you out there who are dealing with this, I’d love to get your input. Do you have a “powdered butt syndrome” antidote story? Maybe you’re struggling and just want some input on this. Leave a comment and share what’s going on with you!
One last thing – I know there are those of you out there who are still waiting for me to answer your question. Sorry, I just can’t do it because YOU HAVEN’T ASKED! Submit your question today and I’ll do my best to answer.
I’m currently dealing with powdered butt syndrome but not about money. I’m a nurse with about 10 years experience. I try my best to educate them on harmful effects of randomly picking herbal medicine that can affect their health/interact with their current prescriptions unless approved by their doctor. Even my most difficult patient can be receptive but not them. I’m offended and hurt. I want to just stop bringing it up, just want to be quiet because the more I discuss it, we only end up arguing. Should I wait until something happens then maybe they’ll believe me?
Yikes! That is so tricky to maneuver. If you bring it up, maybe do so with a printed out article you can hand them to read later. That way if they get initially emotional or upset by your words, they have something to read and digest later on their own. Good luck!
Julie, Humorous Homemaking Team
I just came across this today. I am glad that my husband and I are not the only ones dealing with this issue. Both our moms have been irresponsible and we’ve had to help them out at various times. It is frustrating because we make very little money but live frugally enough that we have a savings account, have our house paid off and own both of our cars free and clear. When they have an emergency they didn’t prepare for (and caused themselves) they come to us wanting help. But, when we try to help them live in a more responsible manner they want nothing to do with learning! Recently, we have stopped helping them out because we cannot support 3 households. We have gone without for ourselves and lived “like no one else” in order to have financial security–we don’t feel it fair for them to live as they please and expect us to support their habits. It’s a shame when the roles are reversed and the kids have to become the parents! My husband and I joke that we have 2 50something teenagers.
That’s a rough spot to be in, Hilary. You’ve done a fabulous job with your finances. Congratulations! 🙂 You might consider reading the book “Boundaries” by Henry Cloud.
I didn’t catch this post the first time. Glad Stacy has a tweet-old-posts plug-in. My way of overcoming powdered butt syndrome is to preface everything with “Dave Ramsey would say…” 😉
Ohhhhhh, just don’t tell Dave! 🙂
I just had to read this because of the title! Bwahahahaha!
I know, right? 🙂
Ohhh, I’m so in this position. My parents have been so irresponsible with money and now they are retired and on a limited income. So it falls on my shoulders to send them money every month just to cover their bills. Any expenses for the house, my shoulders. Just had to buy a $3,000 A/C unit. Their lives haven’t changed at all… they have the big house, new car… I live in my condo and try to keep it all afloat. They never learned from my example and now I’m responsible for them. Oh well…
Lori – Leave them swinging in the wind next time they need money.
Let them realize that they can’t afford the big house and new car. Tough love and all that. You need to be saving for your own future. You don’t want to be 95 yrs old and in some sort of indigent care situation b/c you were paying for your parents to have a luxurious retirement that YOU couldn’t afford. 😉
I’m watching a similar situation in my family play out. Fixed income, limited cash flow and the relatives just bought a new house! Downsizing is good but going up in cost is not. Don’t know if they can afford it, don’t think they can. Hoping for the best outcome.