It goes like this: Mommy and Daddy say “no” to their child and he/she screams, “I hate you! You’re mean to me! You don’t love me! You’re such a meanie!” Even the most sainted of parents has probably experienced this…or will. Thankfully, we’ve not yet heard those words from our angelic 4-year-old, who only shares loving, uplifting encouragement for her parents. And Andy (almost 1)…you can tell he only has positive thoughts about Mom and Dad too. HAHAHAHAHAHA…yeah, right. Not a chance that’s reality for any parent in the universe. But why is that?
Are we mean parents to keep our children from what they want? Some would definitely argue yes, “depriving” your kids of what they want makes you mean and awful and Children’s Services should be called immediately. That’s probably parenting advice from someone without kids. But to be honest, there are a million parenting styles out there. I won’t get into which are best. Which is the best? I don’t know!!! When the kids are grown and gone, we can have that discussion. Until then, we’ll have to focus on what Stacy and I have learned so far. When Stacy recently got “the look” for something she did when Annie misbehaved at the Library, we thought this would be a good topic for discussion. Then to top it off, I read this AWESOME article from a friend of Stacy’s about how to make your kids behave in public.
All that in mind, today Stacy and I spend five minutes on the topic of mean parents. Are we mean parents? Is that a bad thing? Is being “mean” a Biblical approach to parenting? Do Stacy and I have it all together? Are we the ultimate parental role models? If you want to see our answers to all of that and more, check out today’s video. Enjoy!
Are YOU a mean parent? Should you be? Why or why not?
One of my teacher friends said something to me one day like, “You know what I mean; you’re a mean mom, too.” (“Too” was referring to herself as a mom in this conversation.) I’m sure I was pondering this, because she explained, You know: you make them mind …” So funny! I realized she meant it as a compliment, especially compared to some of the laissez faire “parenting” that we see.
Yes, it can be taken as a compliment most of the time. 🙂
I can’t even watch that show. It drives me bananas.
That’s how we figure people view us. 🙂
lol! You two are SO hilarious! I have so enjoyed watching y’alls 5-minute videos!! The unscripted, unplanned concept is awesome. Thanks for sharing your raw/real selves with us. So many good points about parenting said!! I vote for a “5 minutes on mean parents Part 2”! 🙂 Though, I also vote for changing the title from mean parents to something else. Sure, that’s how others may view it, but I don’t think it’s how God views it. But I get what y’all are trying to say nonetheless, so whatever about the title. 🙂
We’re mean parents, too! My husband and I were both raised with “mean” parents, so it comes naturally for us. Our daughter is almost 3 and we expect her to behave. I don’t expect her to be a perfect angel all the time (come on, she’s a toddler), but she definitely knows how to behave in public. We also make her sit quietly with us at church (no running off to play during “Children’s Church”), and people are always commenting on how well-behaved she is. In fact, a few weeks ago our church had a pool party so of course my daughter was playing and squealing and all that, and so many people came up to me and said they had no idea she could even talk! So I know we’re on the right track. It is incredibly HARD, though. I pray all the time that I won’t totally mess up our daughter, and sometimes I second-guess myself when it comes to being firm with discipline. Many people say we’re too hard on our child, but like I always say, I do NOT want to find myself on that Nanny show with my 5 year old beating me and cussing at me!
Thanks for the video, I agree 🙂
Can you send the names of the books & authors, that you mentioned in the video, you two are reading?? (a response to this would be great) 🙂
Give Them Grace by Fitzpatrick and Grace Based Parenting by Kimmell. 🙂
Love these videos and especially this one!! Stacy I’m totally with you on needing more grace in my parenting. Especially when we have been dealing with the same issue ALL DAY! Our style of parentlng is “abnormal” but if society would look around maybe they would see that choosing to not let kids run the show is the way it should be done,
We’re struggling to find the balance between grace and obedience. SLOWLY I think we’re getting there.
The fun really begins when they hit the teenage years. Yay! We have 6 kids from 14 to 9 months. Good times.
Booo!!! That wins the “Debbie Downer” award for the day. But I will admit I’ve heard that from plenty of others. Then I talk to a parent who has experienced the full range of years and it seems each has goods and bads and it is up to us to enjoy all the good and endure all the bad.
Oh I agree. There are definitely good, and bad for each age.
I think that you both are incredible parents. Bravo to you! Also, I love your facial expressions on these videos. You are priceless.
Thanks! …and you’re giving us way too much credit as parents. We are utter failures. Hopefully God will be merciful enough to make up for that.
I truly believe that if your child has never told you that he/she hates you, you are probably doing something wrong. I raised 6 children (they are now 29-45 years old), and they are all happy, healthy, well-adjusted, and we are now great friends. I remember distinctly that my youngest daughter and my youngest son complained that the other one was my favorite. I took that to confirm that I must be doing a reasonably balanced job!
Ha! That’s a good point. I figure if they tell you how “awful” you are, then you must be on the right track. As I finished my points in the video by saying: training up a child in the way they SHOULD go is not always how they WANT to go.
Oh, I’m probably a “mean parent,” also. However, one of my daughters relayed that her friends said I’m the “best mom.” Which means, she says, that our children know what’s expected of them, that I listen to them, and that her friends know what is expected at our house and that I listen to them as well.
One of the joys in parenting is seeing our children grow up and make good decisions. I am definitely more relaxed now that I have two “grown” and on their own. Children need to know they are loved and cared for, and one of those ways is by knowing their are boundaries, expectations, and consequences. Yes, leaving the party early or the grocery store, or unplugging the TV may be “mean,” but so far, my children don’t seem to have suffered ill-effects. Come to think of it, both my husband and I had “mean” parents, too. We love and respect them dearly –especially as we have become parents.
🙂
I’ve been the mean library mommy before as well. He just didn’t want to stay put, so we left. I also don’t get him everything he wants when we go shopping, even if it means he starts screaming and crying on the way out and in the car on the way home.
I’ve told my children the best way to guarantee they DON’T get their way is to pitch a fit about it. Annie pitched a fit today because she didn’t get her way and so instead of listening to a reasonable request from her, I ended up ensuring she didn’t get what she wanted. Attitude goes a long way.
We were in Denny’s today with a friend. Two GREAT examples of parenting. One little girl was screeching loudly and behaving pretty badly. No repercussions…one little boy behind us got loud. Daddy marched him into the bathroom. Came out a short time later…behaving very well.
Yep – seems like those “discussions” don’t happen as often as they ought in most families.
Teaching your daughter that her behavior has consequences isn’t mean. It’s how she learns. Parents who set limits and stick to them seem to be a thing of the past. Being mean to me would be teasing her or making fun of her. Keep up the good work. She will thank you when she’s an adult. You seem as though you have common sense, which will get you through if you don’t think you know what you’re doing!
Thanks for that encouragement! As parents, I don’t know how we make it without God’s help and some good people in our lives to help us stay on track.
My boys are now 27 and 24. I was a mean mom who never had birthday parties every year, who unplugged the TV in 1994 to only use it for movies, who would exit activities when one was acting up (usually my oldest), who screened their friends (which means I screened mine too), who made them attend church, have devotions daily, finish what they started (AWANA Citation award, Boy Scout Eagle, piano lessons for two years) with excellence, and complete all their homeschooling studies at a upper level. I spanked them when they needed it and loved them all the time. We had pets they had to take care of so they could learn compassion and responsibility. Our rule was the rabbits had to fed and watered every evening before dark. I will preface this by saying I did not want to constantly nag my boys about their pet jobs. If the rabbits didn’t get taken care of by bedtime, we would wait until they were sound asleep and wake them up, march them out to the cages on the dark side of the house so they could take care of the pets and march them back to bed. The next day, they would have to skip dinner because they wanted the rabbits to skip dinner. However, skipping dinner at our home isn’t playing while we eat dinner, it’s sitting at the table while we all eat a favorite food and not being able to partake. Needless to say, this didn’t happen too often!
How are my boys now, you ask? My oldest is an RN, graduated 4.0 with his BSN, married this past June, bought a house, sings to patients (check out YourSingingNurse.com, that is my boy), has run a couple of businesses when in high school (mean moms refuse to give an allowance for doing chores they should be doing as being members of the family- I don’t get paid for cooking, cleaning, or making beds, why should I pay them?). Speaking of teaching work ethics to sons; if they wanted to have spending money for anything, they had to knock on doors of neighbors and ask if they could do odd jobs for cash and let the neighbors set the price. Jared saved up and bought a push mower, then a power mower, then all the rest of the power equipment, then a truck that I drove to schlep him on his weekly lawn route of 30 lawns. Plus he apprenticed in learning pool maintenance. Plus he taught swimming and lifeguarded for private parties all at the same time while homeschooling, working on his Eagle, and AWANA Citation, and community college work! My youngest is getting married in Sept., graduated from UCLA two weeks after his twentieth birthday with his BS in biochemistry, has worked 4 1/2 years in the area of bioinformatics and genomics and is currently applying to PhD programs in this field, also with an excellent work ethic that few adults have let alone kids his age have, also with his AWANA CItation and Eagle Scout award, and entered UCLA as a junior at 17. God chose to raise my sons in a situation where their dad abdicated his role as husband and father and they were forced to help me keep things afloat. They bought me a Mini Cooper as a thank you gift for getting them and keeping them on their feet. This hasn’t been easy road but it is what God chose for our family and it is what God chose to raise my sons to be men.
Wow! Train up a child… Sounds like you did a great job. Enjoy the fruit!
Good for you guys. This is how I grew up. Mom and I fought constantly growing up, but now we talk everyday, sometimes twice a day. I also lover your comment about birthdays. I think we did a couple of actual birthday parties when we were older, but for the most part, on our birthdays, the birthday person got to pick the restaurant and we had family dinner.
Sounds like you’re just as mean as we are. ;0)
I love these videos so much!!
I am totally a mean mommy. I also struggle with grace, especially with my 7-year-old (I also have an 18-month-old). Thanks for the book recommendations!
Glad we could help. I love a good book…and these are good books!
I love these videos so much!!!
I’m totally a mean mommy. I also need to work on the area of grace, especially with my 7-year-old (I also have an 18-month-old). Thanks for the book suggestions!
Glad to help!
Enjoyed, as usual.
Thanks, Shannon. We’ll keep ’em coming as long as you guys keep watching!
Love being a Mean Parent. Sometimes I walk away asking the Lord to make those Library exits a learning moment for other parents, you know, the ones giving the looks and not just my own little blessing!
What a great way to look at it!
I LOVE you guys and the next time we go to Bristol I want to stop by and take ya’ll to lunch!
Next time you’re in Bristol you can just come here and eat lunch. Stacy is always in the kitchen, you know. ;0)
That’ll work too – I’ll bring the black bean fudge!
Never had that…but we like black bean brownies!
Definitely a mean parent here…but our youngest daughter went to a water park yesterday with a friend and her family and they both commented several times on how sweet and well-behaved she was…WIN for mean parenting…and we were blessed to get that comment often on our older 3 who are now adults…and it’s worth it. My husband got ‘the look’ when our oldest daughter kept trying to climb on the rolling stairs at Home Depot…he told the buttinsky in no uncertain terms to mind her own business–he was disciplining HIS daughter and she needed to butt out. Similar scenario when the oldest kept trying to stand up in the seat of the grocery cart (pre straps days) & I had forgotten the strap we always took). I was a bit more polite than hubby had been, but I told her that I preferred that his butt hurt than his brains spatter on the ground.
Hahaha. I love these examples. I sort of like the reactions from some of “those people” when you use common sense parenting.
You already know what I think about the library incident. Uncivilized people don’t get to be in public. You inflicted a natural, understandable consequence, and I’ll bet she won’t act that way many more times. I guess that depends on how stubborn she is. Some kids take a lot more times before they really learn, I guess, but all of mine know that that party is over the minute they act that way. Consequently, they don’t act that way.
I’m learning that allowing the reality of consequences drives pretty solid behavior change. As long as I work on the heart and let the consequences occur to poor choices, I think we may just turn out some kids who will avoid felony convictions AND love Jesus at the same time!
Mean doesn’t mean bad and it doesn’t mean abusive. It’s a very relative term. I’ll say it like my dad, “I thought my parents were mean as anything. My friends got to do way more than me. And you know what? Most of my ‘friends’ from high school are dead or in jail.”
Sadly, I know of at least five of the folks I was around in high school who have pretty serious criminal records or are dead due to poor choices.
Dear Stacey, I just dropped my daughter off at college. I am so thankful for all the time we spent having lots of fun and cuddles, and yes, training. We had many library moments when she was little, and very few when she was older..because we would leave and there was a consequence..she learned early, which I believe is a gift to children. I made my share of mistakes, but truly you are being a servant to your child when you do not allow them to get away with disobedient behavior..keep up the hard work…It’s so worth it.
Thanks for that great encouragement!
So glad you think every day that you don’t have a clue what you’re doing! I feel the same way. I ask God every morning for wisdom, firmness, and grace to appropriately deal with our children (3 1/2 and 11 mo. boys).
And we’re the mean parents too. Mostly for the reasons you talked about. It’s apparently cruel to not let your kids do whatever they want.
Loved your video!
Thanks! 3-4 is a rough age. Identity is already starting to form heavily and boundaries are being tested BIG TIME. Hang tough! That’s the encouragement we’re receiving from our mentors and so far, it is helping a great deal.
No not all, not when deep down you know that you mean good to your children. Though it hurts when you see a sad face on your child when you have disciplined them for a wrongdoing, it is better because their future wont be as easy than when they are under the protection, care and love from their parents.
Amen!
I tell my kids, all the time, you don’t have to like me, but you have to obey me.
I use the SAME EXACT WORDS all the time.