So here’s the deal. Stacy has been a stay at home wife/mom for most of our marriage. I love it! I think it is awesome when I come home that my wife has taken care of our house, our family and me. I didn’t really intend on writing about the merits (and problems) associated with being a (or having a) stay at home mom. Nonetheless, twice this week I was asked about it so here goes.
The first person challenged me because she claimed that as a stay at home mom, she wasn’t contributing to the household. She didn’t feel that she was contributing because if she stayed home, there would be no paycheck for her to bring into the equation. The second person said she and her husband were both on board with the idea of her becoming a stay at home mom, but they didn’t see how it would be possible since she brings home 2/3 of the income and her job provides the family’s insurance.
I started writing my response, then realized that inflection, tone and facial expressions might be needed for you to really understand my thoughts on domestic duties and stay at home moms. I know, I know…I have a face for radio, but get past that and really consider my thoughts on the question of whether stay at home moms make sense in today’s society.
By the way, since this is my first video post at Humorous Homemaking, so I’d love to read your comments on this format. Do you like videos as a way for us to communicate with you?
I would like some advice about being a stay at home wife. How did ya’ll navigate people who look down on you? How are you able to survive off of one income? I recently graduated from college, but I’m wanting to be a stay at home wife. My dream has always been to garden, keep the home in order, write, and make a difference in people’s lives through community service. I thought about social work jobs, but they pay so little and ask for so much and with my Post traumatic stress disorder, I would burn out so quickly. I want a simple life that’s not run by material items where I can have a positive impact. I want to be a sahw where I could volunteer a few hours a day, come home, cry a little/take care of myself, then cook and clean. I want to have a huge garden to share with neighbors and really bring the community together. My long term boyfriend and I are getting married when he finds a job and he’s happy with my plans, But anytime I share my goals with other people, they criticize me, saying I’m “obviously not feminist” or “what happens if he leaves you?” Or “but then you wouldn’t be contributing anything and you can’t live off of a single income.” How did you get past these remarks? How do you respond? And what are ways that you cut back so you can live on a single income? (Is it really even possible?) thanks!
Hi there. These are all great questions and here’s my somewhat flippant response to them: “hater’s gonna hate.” Please don’t think me rude, but it’s really that simple. If the people in your life who you truly value give you input that warns you of a choice you’re about to make, give it the appropriate credit and think it through. However, if random people who have no deep-seated interest in your success are giving you the negative feedback, ask yourself whether their opinion is one you should be listening to. I am rather traditional in my beliefs on marriage: it is a lifetime commitment and it is the husband’s primary responsibility to care for his family. I don’t mean that as a sexist remark or as anything to demean women – I say that because I believe it is MY responsibility to provide the needed income for my family to survive and my wife and I agree that the monetary sacrifices are worth it. As far as living on one income vs. two, it really boils down to making priorities that work for your family and carrying them out. For us this means less fancy cars, a smaller home, fewer vacations, less eating out, etc.
I applaud you on your wonderful video. Well done and much needed in our society (yours and mine – Canadian). I think you missed some valid points, though, so I would like to see a much longer video, maybe just on one point each video. For instance, a calm child that did not go to daycare or school (I assume you homeschool). I love your comment about no homework or what happened that day at school needing to be talked about with Dad. That days lesson could be talked about instead (and, thereby, reinforced). A wife who is not running around, just home from work, still facing all the laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc., is also a blessing. My husband and I have 11 children, some with special learning and behavioural needs (half of our are adopted), so I had to give up my lucrative job as an RN almost three years ago. Our lifestyle has not changed in any negative way at all. I loved my job but I LOVE staying home. We did cut cable, cell phones, extras but am so glad we did. When we do see cable, I think … “what a waste of money”. Our family watches quality videos instead, etc. I do pinch pennies, mostly because I like doing that, and now can enjoy a garden with my children, and there is time to rest, play, etc., where there was none before.
You’re right, I could have gone on and on and I may add to this video soon. Thanks for your encouragement and wow – I applaud you for raising 11 kids. I’m sure it is exhausting and VERY rewarding at the same time.
Someone once said that putting children into public school 40 hours a week and expecting then to emerge good citizens is like putting them in jail 40 hrs/wk. expecting them to emerge good citizens—almost. They usually wind up emulating the people who are around them most and by whom they feel the most pressure to be accepted. Put them where you want them, most of the time; with you, who have their best interest at heart or with the masses.
I love being at home with my babies all day. 🙂
That is an excellent point! “Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.” (I Cor. 15:33)
I have never commented on this blog before, but this a very passionate subject for me. My Husband takes care of making the money for our home and four children. This past year, I decided that I wanted to work so I could “feel worthy”. Long and short, I know that IF I HAVE to, I still have my work ethic. My job lasted four months and in that time my Home fell apart. I am very contented, pleased and blessed to hold the current position I am in.
Our society (as a normal)does seem to discourage this lifestyle, but I know I am doing what is best for the people who mean the most to me. And, no it is not an easy job, but more fulfilling than any corporation could ever offer.
My husband, I know, prefers me to be home. His job takes him away from the home 5 days week, but he knows I am here for the kids and the house so he doesn’t have to worry. thank you for your encouragement and God bless you and your growing family.
(My personal view has now become in retort to criticism, “Isn’t it lazy to have someone else raise your children?” I know it is negative and viewed derogatory, but it is how I feel about myself. When I went back to work for this short period of time, I was being lazy and selfish. I am happy to be where I belong and getting paid in hugs and kisses and even temper tantrums)
Thank you for sharing your story. It truly is a blessing to stay home for those who are able.
I don’t know how I missed this post, but I read it after today’s post. I am a stay-at-home mom and have been for 6 1/2 years now. I love it! I can’t imagine anything better. I also homeschool our oldest son. It was never really a “struggle” to stay home because it was important for me. I worked full time and went to school for the first 3 1/2 years that we were married but quit when my first was born. It has been hard at times, but I believe it is what God wants for our family. We’ve done his through hubby being laid off from his job 4 times. We’ve never done without anything we NEEDED, or most of our wants, but we do without what most people have. We don’t drive new cars and both are paid for, we don’t do much going out, we don’t spend much on clothes or other things, but we have more than enough still. Since it’s important to me to stay home and raise our boys, it’s important to my hubby, and he does everything he can to make it happen. He is a special man and God blessed me with him. I think if it’s important to you, you will find a way to do it.
He is a special man indeed. 🙂
I just watched the video this morning, and I have to say that I wish my husband (and I) had seen something like this when we first married. We were young and naive, and we just thought that me working PT and taking care of the kids when I was home was the way to do things. We always worked it so that I worked when he was home, so at least one of us was with them–we were adamant that they weren’t going to daycare! Since we were both recent high school grads with no further training, we have worked very hard trying to “keep up with the Joneses” and it’s gotten us into financial issues (not horrible, but bad enough) that we’ve struggled with our entire married life.
Right after my third son was born, I quit my job at the bank and went back to school for medical secretarial training (which I loved)–and promptly found a really good job working PT which I figured would most likely grow into a FT position as my boys all “went off to school”. And then, they all decided that they were going to be homeschooled! LOL I spent the next six years trying to do both–and at points I was working almost FT due to staffing issues. My hubby ran into some health issues and was in and out of the hospital seven times in four years (before he was 35). I was a month behind on ONE BILL at one time in there, and the two or three calls I got from the credit company made me very very certain that wasn’t going to happen again! It hasn’t, but Hubby and I still need to get on the same page financially. It’s very frustrating.
Long story short–I finally had enough trying to be a Working/Homeschooling Mom AND my marriage almost imploded under the stress of trying to do everything. Hubby and I had some very long conversations about Why things weren’t working…and by last November I had quit my job; I have been a SAHM for six months. I can’t imagine how I got ANYTHING done–’cause I’m busier now than I was then. Hubby was very worried about whether or not we could make it on his income (and the first couple of months were VERY TIGHT)…but God has always made sure we had “just enough”. He went back into the hospital last week (for the same problem), and I wasn’t worried too terribly because even though we’ve still got debt we need to get rid of, we had cash in the bank. We’ve had to make a lot of adjustments to our goals and way of thinking in the last ten years…but we ALL agree now that God and family are the most important. Nothing else matters.
I’m going to make the Hubby watch this tomorrow morning. I’m pretty sure he would agree now–he’s much happier coming home to a clean house and happy kids than he was trying to pick up where I left off.
Wow Stacey, what a story. God is good and His provision for families who follow Him is amazing. Thanks for sharing your story!
Barry I thought you video was wonderful. It addressed many different family aspects. When I got engaged to my husband, he told me, “The women in my family do not work.” It seems like the craziest thing in the world to me. I had not even thought about that all of the women did not have jobs outside of the home. My mother in law stayed home until she was forced to work when her husband was injured at work. But the work she did at home was more than four full time jobs put together.
When I got married, I was still in college. So I did quit my job and go to school while my husband worked. And then when I became pregnant at the same time my father was very sick with a brain tumor, so not having a job allowed me the opportunity to help take care of my father instead of putting him in a nursing home and my child.
When my child was younger I owned and operated a daycare and loved being with those children. But it always saddened me when the children would be at daycare WAY more than with their parents. Just one small example of thousands, a mom called my house one night b/c her son was crying for a grilled cheese and she was not making it like I did because that is what he was used to. This was a single mom who did not have a choice.
As for my personal family, my husband has always worked many hours a week in order for one parent to be with my child at all times. And I have had to get creative with ways to make ends meet. I have taken jobs that allow me to either bring my child with me or have a flexible enough schedule that I could make money and be with him. We have made choices to live frugally trying our best to give him the best quality time we can. It will always be very difficult to instill your values in your child if you are not the one there to enfore them. I know how hard it is in the world, and I pray each of you would have the calling to be home can find a way.
Im sorry if I am rattling on but I had so many positions from this topic. But to wrap up it always is best for the child if a parent is the one who is doing the bulk of the raising. But I also know that sometimes it is a
It really does take creativity to be able to stay home sometimes. 🙂 It’s encouraging how we all rally when we need to!
This is my first time here! I came from the link party at Heavenly Homemakers. I like the video and don’t think you “have a face for radio”. I am a stay at home mom. We did it out of necessity. The cost of daycare was equal to my pay not including things you mentioned such as clothing, gas and lunch so we would have been going negative if I continued to work. Plus then you think about the fact that someone else is raising your child, imparting their values or lack thereof, and your missing out on all the firsts. It wasn’t worth it for us. We had to make huge sacrifices. We had to move, get rid of a car, shut off our cable tv, and I don’t know what else in order to make it work. It is definitely possible if your willing to sacrifice. I think sometimes people think they can’t without having run the numbers or considering the changes. Most people don’t like change either so that adds to the difficulty. It can be done. It’s not easy but its worth it!
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head….it IS about sacrifice. 🙂 But isn’t it such a sweet sacrifice?
Your right Stacy it is a sweet sacrifice. Actually its kinda funny when I think about it now. At the time it seemed like a huge deal but we don’t miss any of that stuff. Except for the car but in time we were blessed with a second paid for car. So all in all it seems like sacrifices that are truly blessings in disguise! 😀
A paid for car drives so much better than one with payments. 😉
My husband and I were considering me making the leap to being a SAHM next month, when our second child is due. This video was a huge encouragement and made me realize that, even though I was “only” working 15 hours a week, my focus had really shifted away from my true calling – that of a wife and mother. Thanks for the encuragement to pursue what God is calling me to! I’ll be blogging about this decision soon, I’m pretty sure.
Sarah, I hope you’ll send me the link so I can read it! 🙂
I didn’t read all the comments just the first couple and I have to agree with the woman who appreciated the ‘stay-at-home-wife’ side of things as well. I worked outside the home for half of of marriage. We have been married for 14 years this summer. However, we have not been able to have children for whatever reason. When we moved to a less expensive area I commuted for a while to the city but it was taking a toll on my health and mood. So I quit and stayed home. In the past, my husband was not always so supportive of me staying at home (when we were in the city) but he is now more of a believer. I make everything from scratch the way his mother did. I try to make food from his culture which when working I just did not have the time or energy to do. I do try to keep the house clean, laundry done, and he gets a good breakfast before he leaves for work (which is EARLY – I don’ sleep in). During the day I blog about what I have learned about ‘real food’ and health and I volunteer which I love much more than working for a paycheck.
That said, the most judgmental people come from our faith community. When they find out we don’t have kids AND I don’t work outside of the home, I always get asked — So WHAT DO YOU DO ALL DAY? 1) as if its their business to judge, and 2) That is supposed to be me self-worth — working outside the home.
If I am honest, I have moments when I feel that I need to justify it. But lately, when I try they often don’t get it anyhow. In our culture, even the church, I have found that we have lost the sense of what it truly means to be healthy and nourished. I enjoy taking care of my health and the health of my hubs through nourishing meals and a non-toxic home. It takes work and creativity. If I work outside the home, I don’t get the ability to do that. That’s not to say there aren’t super women out there who do, but I am guessing that they are burning the candle at both ends and eventually it will take a toll on their health. It did with mine.
Jen, you make some excellent points. I dealt with a LOT of judgmental attitudes when I stayed at home before Annie was born. People just couldn’t understand what I could do all day long to occupy myself. Ahem. Apparently they’ve never stayed home all day. LOL
You have a wonderful mission! You stick with it…and you just let me know if you ever need a cheerleader. 🙂
I became a stay at home wife/mom 4 years ago when I was expecting our first daughter. My husband fully supported it since his mother stayed home with him and he had fond memories of that time with her. Plus daycare would actually cost more than I made. We found ways to save money ie. eating out less, cooking from scratch, making our own cleaning supplies, doing a lot of DIY. Also, being at home has saved us money in other ways people don’t realize. I was able to (and am now with our 2nd daughter) able to nurse much longer than if they were in daycare,therefore saving money on formula and bottles. I have also been able to cloth diaper saving money there. I was also able to potty train my oldest early and I contribute that to being home and being able to consistently teach her. I also love to sew and make many clothes for our girls which saves money as well.
However, I did want to say that during this season of our life, with a toddler and new baby, that my husbands day coming home does not look like yours. There are many days he comes home and the house isn’t clean or dinner is not finished and he has to help out in those areas. He understands that I don’t always have time anymore for those things. It’s more important to him that I spend time playing/ teaching our oldest and (obviously) nursing and nurturing the baby than to clean and cook. There are also many evenings that he has to take care of our oldest so I can more fully care for the baby. I was feeling like a failure for not having a clean house and full meal for him when he works so hard but he has assured me many times that he understands and it’s okay. It’s just not possible to do everything that needs to be done by myself at this time.
I just wanted to put that out there because not long ago your statement about coming home to a clean house and meal and not having to do much would have hurt me and made me feel like a failure as a SAHM because I was not able to provide that for my husband. I want other young women with young kids to know that it’s okay to let those things slide and you’re not failing. It’s just the season of life that you are in.
🙂 Amy, I totally agree. And I am 100% sure that’s not what Barry was speaking about…he was just speaking about that particular day. My daughter is now 2.5 years old, and that affords me more time to do things. We’re also living with my parents right now, so I have more help.
When she was younger, he’d come home and help me just like your husband….and when I was sick with this baby, he took care of the majority of the household things when he got home from work. 🙂
Hey Amy, I’ll chime in too. Stacy’s right – I know not every day is going to be peaches and cream when I come home. Stacy isn’t superwoman (close, but no). I just wanted to give an example (especially to the guys) of how great it COULD be to have your wife handle all the household stuff and that way the stress when the husband gets home is much lower. He/she can enjoy the time together rather than simply having to take care of a bunch of tasks since they were both at work all day. I help around the house and try to never take for granted the privilege it is when I can come home and there is truly nothing to do except be with my family. Some days Stacy is lying on the couch exhausted because Annie hasn’t cooperated and there was still a huge list of house stuff to do. I expect on those days that things will be a little less tidy and I might be asked to bring home Subway. It’s all good. ;0)
Sorry I wasn’t trying to sound so negative towards you. I’m very happy that you made this video. I think more men should be like you and my husband and then maybe women wouldn’t feel so ashamed to be SAHM’s. I was mostly just saying that for mothers with young babies not to get discouraged. As I myself battle the superwoman mentality and I know how hard you can beat yourself up when you don’t feel as though you’re doing good enough.
And I think you had a fabulous point! 🙂 I’m tickled pink that you pointed that out. Thanks!
I like videos as long as they aren’t really long 🙂
Athough, I do like that with text, I can read it anywhere (since I primarily view the site on my phone) and don’t have to worry about the environment being too loud & or the sound bothering others.
Good point! We plan on keeping videos short and only posting them when we need to include tone or show something that would be hard with just photos. 🙂
Love this! Thank you for linking to the Frugal Tuesday Tip, and for using video. This post would be too long for pleasure reading without!I like hearing this very affirming message. Stacy is lucky to have you. http://juliecache.com/2012/04/02/frugal-tuesday-tip-april3/.html
Thanks Julia! 🙂 I agree….I am VERY lucky and VERY blessed.
LOVE the video! I think we as readers really enjoy getting to know y’alls personalities and those can be communicated so clear through video. More please!
🙂 I hope our next video is one of our new house…when we find it. LOL
Sorry to say I haven’t seen the whole video. I love the idea of using the technology, but honestly, it takes me less time to read a post. I’m all for inflection, tone, and facial expression, but usually that all comes through in the written posts.
Thanks for all you do!
Twinkle
🙂 We’ve had some requests for video, but I don’t imagine we’ll do a ton of them….just occasionally to switch it up a bit. 🙂
I am a SAHM who is fully committed to the idea, as is my husband. When I was younger, I was a divorced mother of 5 children, ages twelve to one-and-a-half. I was determined not to give them over to daycare to raise, so I looked for alternatives that worked for us. I found a place to rent that I could afford. Through the help of my family and God’s blessings I found a job I could do from home. (That was related to work I had done while in college – yes, ladies, get the education!) The job was part-time and erratic, but it was just possible to make ends meet. The kids were on State insurance, but I didn’t have to have any other government assistance. We didn’t have any frills, but we did fine, because I have homemaking skills, and that made all the difference. I was even able to buy a house for us, which now that I am re-married we rent out. I was single for almost five years, and we made it!
I have brought all my homemaking and money-managing skills into my new marriage. For the first few years, my husband would sometimes wonder if I didn’t want to get a job, as his former spouse had not been content to stay at home. I always assured him that I was fine. I have slowly taught him a few better money-management skills. He sees the improvement in our lives, and in our finances. Between us we have 8 children, and they are all well, happy, educated, and productive in their lives. And they all have faith in a loving Heavenly Father, which is the most important thing that we wanted to teach them. Moms, do what you have to do to acheive it, but nothing can substitute for your presence and your abilities in your home.
That is a FABULOUS story!!! 🙂 Thanks for posting it here so other women could be encouraged!
I really enjoyed your video and the subject of being or not being a stay at home Mom.
I’ve had the opportunity to be both a working Mom and stay at home Mom. I had my first child at 29,worked and didn’t really think anything of it. I had my second and third kids at 40 & 41 years old. Daycare for two babies became overwhelming, I couldn’t find anyone to take both little ones. My job also provided medical insurance and a large chunk of our income.
We decided to trust God, quit my job and haven’t looked back. I’ve had the pleasure of watching my kids grow up and also realized all I missed while my first child was in daycare and I was at work.
As far as contributing to our income, I think it’s my job as a stay at home Mom to keep our budget on track. I do that by clipping coupons and knowing what’s on sale at our local stores saving hundreds of $$$ every month, packing kids lunches for school and not eating out more than a couple times a month, researching major purchases and making a lot of our basic cleaning and household products in my kitchen. We also have a garden and grow as much of our own produce as possible. I look at being a SAHM as my job and I love it!
It IS a job…and the best job in the world. 🙂 Thanks Jan!!
My husband and I are also committed to me staying at home. It is hard, but we are making it work. I would love to hear how you schedule errands, play dates, grocery shopping etc. because I feel like I am running somewhere at least three days a week, which does not really save us on gas. Also, I would love to hear your thoughts on staying home while my husband is in medical school. It will be impossible for him to work, so if I stay home (which is really the only option,since we have kids), we will be living entirely off of student loans. Thanks guys!
Hey Faith, I’m glad to read you and your husband are both committed to you staying at home. Since you’ve made that commitment, you can build your decisions and schedules around that priority. As far as your errands and other needs throughout the week – those aren’t going to go away if you were to get a job. You may be able to plan those trips around commutes to/from work, but those are still going to occur whether or not you have a “job” beyond your family and home. So even though you may think you’re not saving on gas, trust me – if you were to be working you’d be spending more!
As for medical school, you’re right – he can’t work and do that schooling at the same time. While I don’t know all the details that led you to that decision for your family and don’t question its validity, I can’t promote you living off of loans for the entirety of his schooling. I am a firm believer in Romans 13:8, which teaches we shouldn’t owe anyone and while debt isn’t evil, it sure makes things tougher. Ideally, it seems you need to stay home but also need to be able to bring in some income. That being the case, what are some options for your family? Can you make and sell things on Etsy, eBay, craft festivals, etc.? Can you work remotely (at least part-time) doing something like call center work (work-at-home agents are a lot more commonplace than you might think)? Can you do some bookkeeping work, social media/PR representation for a company, etc., etc., etc.? Working at home while your husband is in school will help…if it is possible in your situation. Can you find a hospital system or medical facility needing a specialty that matches your husband’s that might be willing to pay for schooling in exchange for a work agreement? I know the military does this in exchange for working at the VA after graduation.
Ultimately, I don’t know the answer for your family, but I do know you won’t regret staying at home with your kids. I also know you won’t regret doing everything you can to avoid having that loan balance climb higher and higher. Don’t take on any more debt than you absolutely must and be creative in finding ways that can bring in some cash during this time frame for your family. The less you borrow, the easier things will be once his schooling is done and goes to work. I hope that helps!
Thank you for the thorough reply, Barry! We definitely looked into options to get my husband’s medical school expenses paid for, but ultimately decided that we did want to live the military life after he was done, so we are going to shoulder the loans. I am going to try to do some side work, such as babysitting and housecleaning, when I can. It is not the best option, but we believe it is the best for our family. Thank you for your kind words!
All it takes is a firm resolve to kick those loans to the curb as soon as possible! 🙂
Years ago when I was a young mother most mothers stayed home with their kids as did I. We managed very well, but some women did not. Just beomg home does not mean one will do what needs to be done. Some people are just not very responsible whether at home or work. Also some women need to be around people. You have to do what works for you. I agree that if you work at it, staying home can be very worthwhile for all concerned. Another point is sometimes modern men expect their wifes to work and feel cheated if they don’t.
Carole, you make excellent points. It takes work and it takes resolve…it’s definitely not a walk in the park. 🙂
I loved the video & your T-shirt,I am going to have to get one for my husband! I have been a SAHM for 9 years. soon after becoming a christian in 2003 God started dealing with me about quitting my job, I was bringing in half our income and providing my husband and I with insurance and at the time my husband wasn’t working b/c he had been laid off, so after he had gotten a job we took a leap of faith and I quit. shortly after I became pregnant with our 1st son. fastforward until now we have 3 children,which I homeschool, ages 7,4&21 months. We have had many ups and downs, we still don’t have insurance,and go without a lot of extras that most people think they have to have, we live pay check to pay check and are currently trying to become debt free(thank you Barry & Stacy for your inspiration, I didnt think debt free was possible). We recently paid off 5 credit cards and working on 2 more so that we can pay off our home in the next few years. God has always provided and made a way for us. I get a lot of “why don’t you go to work” from my husbands side of the family. But If I had to pay for new clothing,gas(which is outrageous)childcare,someone to clean my house & do my laundy I wouldnt be making a dime and I would be away from my children, so its not worth it to me. someone told me the other day that years ago a family was on Oprah and said that the mother wanted to stay at home but couldnt b/c of her salary and by the time that they figured out how much they spent on things that could have been avoided if she did stay at home they would have been saving money. This mother was heartbroken b/c of all the time that she lost with her children b/c she THOUGHT that they had to work, she missed first crawls, steps, words everything b/c of what society thought she needed to do. I know that there are time when a mother has to work but if you have a husband who has a job there is a way that it can work.
Yes, Kimberly….it can usually work. 🙂 Thanks for your testimony! You’re doing fabulous and I know that soon you’ll be screaming WE’RE DEBT FREE!!!!
Love the video you should get a new shirt saying stay àt home moms rock! I was a stay at home mom and farmwife. My husband and three now grown daughters say they would not have wanted it any other way. I went back to nursing school after they were grown and have now been able to pursue a dream of mine for the past 8 years. There is always time to pursue a career later.
Deborah, that’s GREAT!!! 🙂 Thanks for sharing that!!
I have been a SAHW/M for almost 32 years! We were truly blessed by God that this was possible for us. I TRULY treasure those years when my children were at home. We made memories that are SUCH a blessing!! Sacrifices were made. But, they never really felt like “sacrifices.” Blessings. That’s what these 32 years have been. I truly believe that this is a choice that more people can accomplish. They would never regret it!
No, you’re right. Like a commenter said earlier….no one is ever on their death bed and says “I wish I had worked and took my children to daycare.”
This post really hits home for us! When my husband and I started “Financial Peace University” almost 7 years ago, we were surprised with a pregnancy early on in the class. As we went through the program, we knew that I needed to be a stay at home mom- but it didn’t seem possible at the time. I made 2/3 of our income, and we lived in a house that certainly required my income in order to stay there. Thankfully, as we prayed over the next couple years, God made a way. We sold our house and downsized to a home that is almost paid for, we sold cars, etc, etc. I remember dropping my little girl off at daycare as I went to work, and she would scream for me. It was horrible- and it never got easier. Every day, I felt as if my heart was being yanked out of my heart! Finally, when we were “almost” there- I got called into my manager’s office at work… and got laid off. At first, I was really scared- In the matter of an afternoon, our household income went from $120,000 to $35,000. However, as I was quickly doing math in my head as they were going through all of the HR paperwork, I realized that a severance package was enough to put us in a place where I could stay home!! I think I am the only person in history who got laid off and skipped out the door and to their car! HA!! My little girl was thrilled when I picked up that afternoon and told her that we never had to go back. I’ve been home for 3 years now- and I now homeschool my child (she’s in kindergarten). Yes, we live on MUCH less, and yes, our family thinks we’re crazy because “stuff” doesn’t matter to us… but our lives are so much fuller. We are happier, our marriage is stronger, and we truly feel like this is where God wants us. Like Barry said, if you feel like home is where you should be, ask God to make a way- and be willing to trust and listen. It may be to get rid of “stuff,” or the blessing may come in the form of a layoff.
Erin, that’s a fabulous testimony!!!! 🙂 Our God provides!
Erin, your testimony gave me goosebumps!
Isn’t it awesome?! 🙂
I was overcome with emotion and burst into tears when you said you got to tell you daughter she never had to go back! Wonderful!!!
Barry that was an awesome video! I would love to see more videos from you and Stacy! Only one criticism….SMILE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL
I love it that you both are so connected on one being a stay at home parent. I wish every family had that opportunity. The savings one can make on staying home and raising your own children outweighs working a lot of the time….meaning no daycare expense, no gas expense, no work clothing expense, etc. The one thing that really got to me when I was a working Mom was when my kids called me by the babysitter’s name. That was just aweful! You can never get these years back, so if you are able to stay home and raise your own children, go for it! I wish you all the best life has to offer!
Thanks Tracy! 🙂 I think Barry should smile more too!
I haven’t read through the other comments (there are 72 of them), so forgive me if this has been said. I like what Barry said about stay at home mom’s and that they do contribute to the household. My answer to the woman whose dilemma was that she makes the most money and has the insurance: why doesn’t her husband be the stay at home parent? Men are just as capable of taking care of the house and nurturing and teaching children as women are. I don’t believe that women have an innate knowledge about it that men don’t, or else we wouldn’t need all these websites, blogs and books to answer our questions on how to do it. I feel that God will bless them for having a PARENT stay at home. I have yet to read any scripture anywhere that specifically states that the wife must stay home and the husband must work. I believe the decision as to who stays at home, if anyone, needs to be prayed about. Now, if they feel they are being guided for it to specifically be the wife, than they should aim for that goal, but I don’t think the idea of the husband staying home instead should be ignored.
That’s a good perspective Naomi. 🙂 Thanks for sharing it!
A few years into our marriage, I had lost my job, but before looking for a new one, we rethought whether or not it was really such a good idea. Sure I had made half of our income & had our only source of benefits, but roles were also strained as to splitting chores & responsibilities. After lots of prayer & creating a budget, we took a leap of faith. It was funny at the time, no one understood or really supported our decision especially since we didn’t have kids yet (and didn’t for about 3 more years.) A stay at home WIFE? At age 24 & living in downtown denver, my newfound occupation stumped people. But our marriage was soon blessed by it. Our spiritual life was blessed by it. And soon our family started to see the benefits, especially when I had the ability to help my texas family by coming to stay & help during hardships. Before kids, as a sahw, I was able to volunteer a lot & serve a lot in our church. Now that I have a toddler & one on the way, it is no shock that I am a sahm, & my role is cherished by my husband & myself. It is the toughest yet most rewarding job I have ever had. My husband says I am priceless, & that I save us so much money. My husband works 2 jobs, we don’t make a lot of money, we have no debt, we haven’t had insurance since & haven’t really missed it. Life is not perfect, but our God is, & he knows what is best for us. We are so grateful for the way he provides and upholds his promises.
Our God IS perfect and he never forsakes us! Praise be unto God for that. 🙂 Thanks for sharing Kaye!
I liked the video, personally I enjoy reading it more but I am a speed reader and an impatient listener. I am young by homemakers standards (21) but I feel a calling to be able to stay at home and support my husband and make his life easier. Kids are coming eventually and both my husband and I cringe at the thought of daycare. Props to the ladies who run daycares but it is not the best thing for us. I read all the replies and just wanted to say that you ladies are the ones I look up to. I also love this website. Staying at home and taking care of things is no picnic (although it is totally worth it) and it is nice to have tips and help when I need it.
You’re aiming for a wonderful goal! 🙂 Good luck future-mama and let us know if we can help!
Great video!! And I loved your tee-shirt.
I have been a SAHW/M since I became a mom and I hate the question, “Do you work?” Yep!! 24/7. But the biggest insult is being measured in terms of economics. So, the more money that you make means that you are worth more? So, a man who is a CEO is more valuable then a laborer? I think not. But my husband thinks I’m priceless and that’s what matters. And I’m doing what the Lord wants me to be doing. I’m grateful that I can. I know women who have to work outside the home and wish they could be home and that is sad. My husband asks guys he works with if their wives are SAHW/M’s and they are offended by the question, “NO, she works and makes good money!” That’s the answer he got yesterday. ALL of the men my husband works with have salaries that could support a wife and family. But the more you make sometimes, the more that you tie up in a house and new cars and stuff that they can live paycheck to paycheck as easily as anyone. My husband supported me when he was in the NAVY. Some of the best years of our life. We scrimped, we saved, we found free ways to have fun!! Great memories.
SAHW/M’s also have the capability of saving a lot of money for their families and the time to do it. I’m pretty sure what I save in a year would add up to a salary. And some women work only for the privilege of paying a daycare. And my kids are happy and at home and not in daycare. I homeschool so they are ALL at home. Oh how blessed I am!
Thanks for supporting your wife and raising kids to do the same.
Erin, that’s a wonderful testimony to your marriage. 🙂
I find it sad that people attach worth to how much money you make. Most of the time the people who should be making a million dollars, only get paid minimum wage. For instance, the trash man. Do you want to pick up the trash? I sure don’t. I’m thankful he does though! And I smile and tell him thank-you any time I can…he deserves a HIGH salary. 🙂
What a wonderful blog to send to my daughter and nieces as they begin setting their hearts toward the blessing of a godly husband!
Here’s also what God’s Word reminds us:
PRIDE of recognition and FEAR of not being recognized/validated by society is oftentimes what keeps women working outside the home. It even keeps husbands puffed up before other men–“Look what my wife has done/can do The world says, “Make something of yourselves.” And parents say to us, “Make me proud,” meaning “Give me something to puff myself up about when people ask about you.” The Bible gives us SO MANY WARNINGS about pride. John 5:44 states, How can ye believe, which receive honour one of another, and seek not the honour that cometh from God only? (KJV) The word PRIDE shouldn’t be used by us who call ourselves followers of Christ. JOY is the word we’re to use, but it can’t be used like the world uses PRIDE. Selah! Think about that!
Psalm 113:9 states, He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a JOYful mother of children. Praise ye the LORD.
3 John 1:4 says, I have no greater JOY than to hear that my children walk in TRUTH [not “walk in the ways of the world”].
Yes, we are to be peculiar people to the point of shrugging off the very vocabulary and conversation of the world. That’s part of the “come out from among them” command.
i am SO ENJOYING this conversation. Thanks, Stacey and Barry.
🙂 Thank you too! Great Bible references!
i would LOVE to stay home, but as a single mom that just isn’t possible. somedays it is SO overwhelming to come home after 8+ hrs at work and have that much more work at home. somehow God gives me strength to survive. thankful for His strength that is perfect.
Amen – and He gives us as much strength as we need! 🙂
First of all I enjoyed the video and your husband speaks very well. I loved the t-shirt!
I have been a SAHM for 7 years. I struggled with my financial contribution to the household for a LONG time. I have since come to terms with it. The one point that totally hit home with me even after being home all this time was that even though I am not contributing money to the household I am still contributing in a huge way by taking care of things at home and in the end that saves us money. I guess it is an indirect financial contribution. Thanks for making that clear to me!
Sometimes SAVING money is the same thing as MAKING money. 🙂
Just a few jots: Get husbands to join Barry/with lots of reasons families benefit, from the male point of view!
My best “Career” years were home with kids; but I did finish college, teach full time, plus get M.A., and do all the home stuff. Home is best- accopmlishment is visible in finished product-kids, but you can’t see finished product of years of work outside the home. I taught home-ec & encouraged students to consider career of at-home work as viable, and how to reach the goal and manage it. I just knew the pressure was to work outside the home; encouragement was needed on this side too. Working as a homemaker-male or female (my husfand did it too) is hard. I don’t know anyone with the goal of sitting home being lazy-but production in the home, and living the lives God called for us-those are the homemakers I know!
To encourage Becky: re. success of at home moms–we can name 100’s of women who were successful homemakers; no one could claim Laura Ingalls Wilder wasn’t ‘successful’!
Finally, I’ve heard many gals say they wished they’d stayed home with kids, but I’m older and have NEVER heard a mom say “I wish I’d left my kids and gone out to work.” Hmm.
Dixie, I’ve never heard anyone say that either. And you are right…girls need just as much encouragement about staying at home as they do about going out to work. It seems a bit one sided in the public school system. That’s why I like the Titus 2 model of the older women mentoring the younger women.
I had this very conversation with my 11 year old daughter just the other day. We were talking about what she wanted to be when she grows up. She named several possibilities and of course I encouraged her to pursue her dreams. We talked about working hard in school to get good grades, going to college to get an education and doing a good job always. I assured her I would be proud of her no matter what career she chose. Near the end of the conversation she looked at me and said “Well, what if I want to get married and be a mommy like you? Would that be okay?” She had somewhere gotten the idea that being a wife and mommmy was not “good enough” and that education, a career and a paycheck were the only measures of success. Could she have possibly felt that from me? Looking back I thought about times when people would ask what I did and I would reply with something like “Oh, I’m just a mom” or “I don’t work.” These words don’t sound like they come from someone who finds importance in what they do. I realized I should be more careful about the message I am sending. So when I went to the school yesterday to pick up my daughter for a dr. appointment I encountered a well meaning lady whose grandson was a former student of mine. (I taught preschool for several years before I came home.) She asked what I was doing now and when I told her she said, “You are much to talented and creative to stay at home.” Not usually a confrontational person, but with the conversation with my daughter fresh on my mind,and her standing there right beside me, I asked the lady did she not think talent and creativity could be used to be a blessing in my home and to my family, not to mention my neighbors, church and community just as it had those students I taught in the past? In the end I told her I felt I was exactly where God wanted me to be and couldn’t think of anything else I’d rather be doing. I want my daughters to know that I am proud to be a stay at home wife and mom and if that is what they choose for themselves then it is more than alright with me. Thanks for the encouragement Stacy! (Oh and sorry for the book length comment.)
YES!! We must be proud and stand up for what we believe. We should never feel inferior because we “don’t work.” Don’t work? Yeah….right. lol
I really like the video, this topic can be sensitive and I agree that we needed to see your expressions and hear the tone of your voice to understand the respect you have for both SAHM and working moms.
My husband, Roger, and I have been married 10 and a half years and except for work I did for him I have always been an at home mom. I went through many stages of wanting to contribute financially but I just knew there was no job I could get that would do more than pay for daycare for our three boys. Roger was instrumental in my staying at home because he would rattle off all the reasons he loved having me home, which are many of the same that Barry said.
I know my role at home is very important. Roger is the rock, I am the heart. Our family is rich because we have each other and our children know that we are here for them.
What I have enjoyed the most is watching how God has provided what we’ve needed (different from what we want). I even enjoy looking at my budget and saying “Well God, I can’t wait to see how you’re gonna pay all these bills. But I know you will, thank you.” I have many prayers each week and sometimes daily, about what isn’t covered in the budget, and I keep praying until I have His peace about the money.
I made a choice to follow God’s plan for family and marriage and He has blessed us abundantly. And I think that’s important to mention. We could have done the exact same thing over our marriage, but if our motivation had been more self centered (as opposed to Christ centered) then we may have still done fine but our only reward would have been our own satisfaction. Being blessed by God has been healing, fulfilling, comforting, and learning how to rest in God is priceless. We are content and I have never in my life felt the depth of joy I have in my heart. And it’s only been the last couple years that I’ve taken this different position. To follow Christ, to have God reign in my heart, mind and life, to be close to God…these are why I do what I do. The financial freedom we are achieving is the overflow, not to goal.
Barb, thank you for a genuine and lovely comment. I love this statement: Our family is rich because we have each other and our children know that we are here for them.
Rich is more than just having money. You can have all the money in the world and be miserable…or it might just be that you have to do without a few things in order to have REAL happiness. 🙂
Barry, great video presentation! I like the video format.
I have been a stay-at-home & homeschooling mom for nearly 16 years. I am thankful to have shared in our sons lives and teach them about the Lord. As the young’uns have participated in our homeschool organization’s activities & Christian school sports, I have been able to support them. BUT that means that we have not always had all the chores done on time, etc. I have also had the privilege of being my husband’s helpmeet. We have had to be frugal, but it has been a marvelous investment for eternity: 3 John 4 “I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth.” (KJV)
Thank you, Lord, for your provision. Thank you, Robert, for working so diligently at the work the Lord has given you to do.
Amen Trish! 🙂 And your family is a huge inspiration to us!! It’s nice when your family agrees with you! 😉 Thanks for the support!
Ladies, when we are able to stay home, we are BLESSED.
To you wonderful ladies who work outside the home AND at home, YOU are BLESSED–you have strengths and abilities that those of us who don’t work outside the home may not have. If it’s your desire to stay home but can’t right now, remember that we go through different seasons in our lives, and this may not yet be your season to stay home. Find encouragement and affirmation in what you do, because you are doing all you do for your family.
We’ve been married for 20 yrs and I have been a stay-at-home wife and mommy for 15 yrs. My husband is AWESOME and really appreciates my being home. He worked for a big company for 12 years, but a year and a half ago, he started his own business. He’s home most of the time, but he’s at work when he’s home, so my part hasn’t changed. We have struggled financially because of his job change, but frugality has always been part of our marriage, so really, not much has changed except our savings. I home school 2 of our 3 children, the house and laundry may not always be kept up, but I have dinner on the table every evening and when my husband is off work, he doesn’t have to worry about housework. He is more willing and able to help with “honey-do’s” because the regular house-stuff is MY job.
Even after all these years, and even at my age (late 40’s), I need to be re-affirmed in what I contribute to our family and marriage, and my husband affirms and praises me every time. I appreciated Barry’s commentary on this topic–it’s what my husband tells me, too. In our society, traditional roles for women aren’t valued. Do I feel restless at times? YES. Do I want to do something else at times? YES. However, I know what I do is important and I do it out of love for my husband and children. I think God “wired” women to work for those who are most meaningful to us, but our circumstances may have to dictate how that plays out, whether outside and at home, or mostly or completely at home.
I think you’re spot on with this comment – In our society, traditional roles for women aren’t valued. It’s sad…but not everyone realizes the value of a stay-at-home mom. I am VERY blessed that my husband is so supportive. 🙂 Thanks for the great comment Shawn!
The video was good! I definitely think being able to SEE you answering really helped. Now if you excuse me… I think I have some contributing to do :D.
LOL Love you Debra!!!
I like that Barry talks about stay at home wives as well as stay at home mothers. My husband is finishing up with college right now, and he works about 3 part-time jobs in addition to that. I work full-time because we just assumed I had to do so until he graduates. But we’re starting to realize how much money it saves us when I am at home. On weekends and evening, I try to stock the house with homemade bread, cereal, yogurt, and snacks, so that we’re not spending a fortune on nutrition-empty food to pack in our lunches or eat out. I’ve started trying to make all our cleaning supplies, etc, as well as organizing our finances. It’s so hard to fit all this in with a full-time job, so we’ve looked at our budget to find ways to allow me to start working part-time, and eventually not at all. It’s not easy (hence hubby taking on a 2nd and 3rd part-time job), but we think it will be worth it. It also will make it much easier when we start having kids, to transition from me already being at home to me being at home with kids, than if I had to quit a full-time job and lose half the income we were used to when I get pregnant.
Just my two cents. I really appreciate what someone else said about not feeling guilty. A lot of people think we’re crazy- we don’t have kids, so why shouldn’t I work while I can? But if we’re able to order our home so that I can be there full-time, and make it a place of rest for my husband, why shouldn’t we? God’s plan works perfectly, even if it’s crazy in the eyes of the world:)
Sarai, let me encourage you as a woman…when Barry and I married, I stayed at home. I had several friends and family members who thought I was completely lazy and good for nothing. BUT, my husband and I were happy…and that’s all that matters – I’m not married to my family or friends. When I did finally go to work (in order that we could furnish our home debt free), I came home every day in a crabby mood. Barry has always said he can’t deal with me when I have to work. LOL I think you’re being smart and I hope you achieve your goal very soon!!
Thanks, Stacy :). It’s always nice to hear from people who don’t think we’re crazy.
LOL…but we ARE crazy. 😉
Or like Dave Ramsey says, Normal doesn’t work, I don’t want to be normal, I want to be weird. Weird ~ crazy… its all the same.
🙂 My bumper sticker is a Dave sticker. It says “Debt is Normal. Be Weird.”
Hi Sarai,
I just wanted to let you know that I couldn’t agree more! I acually left my job in the corporate world for me to stay home, even though we don’t have any kids. My husband LOVES that the cooking, shopping, cleaning and most of the household chores are handled by me so that when he comes home he can just rest. Before I stayed at home full time it was ALWAYS an argument over who was going to do the chores and I was always completely miserable. But the happiness and peace that we have welcomed into our home once I stopped working outside the house was worth a million times more than any money I earned each month. But really when you take into account work clothes, the costs associated with an additional car, and time lost for household chores, it wasn’t that big of a sacrifice finanacially.
Plus I think anyone who calls a stay at home wife lazy, one needs to mind their business and two is a bit envious that they cannot experience the joy in taking care of both their home and their husband fully 🙂
Brooke, I think you’re right about the “envious” part. 🙂 Thanks for chiming in and giving Sarai a lift!
I have a unique perpesctive on this subject. I’ve done both and personally prefer to be a SAHM. My husband and I are unable to have children of our own so we have adopted and we work with a christian based foster care agency. I realized how important being a SAHM was to ME (not society, family, or friends) when we were on the brink of adopting a 4 month old baby girl (who was born addicted to a miriad of drugs). When we were unable to adopt our baby girl and she was returned to her maternal grandmother it was suddenly very clear to me all the time I missed out on. It changed how I looked at the situation and I learned that no job, no title, to amount of money was worth the time I missed out on. Since then we’ve adopted a special needs little boy, and are in the process of growing our family again through adoption. For US it works. I have been blessed with the oppourtunity to see both sides of the coin and on days when I’m stressed, I haven’t showered, the dishes are piling up, laundry needs to be done and I’m gennerally feeling overwelmed I remember that the time I spend with my children (or any children) and the memories we make are worth more to me than any amount of money I could make in the work force.
Rebecca, what a lovely story. Thank you so much for sharing it here. 🙂 Be blessed in your walk as a mother – there is no higher calling.
Loved the video.
Thanks Linda! 🙂 Barry is having a lot of fun learning how to use his new iPhone.
For the second lady, who brings in 2/3 of the income and insurance, have they thought about having the husband be the stay at home parent? By cutting back on what they spend, it might be easier for the husband to stay home, if only until they get their spending under control by paying off some bills, not needing child care, they could be on the road to having one parent home full time faster. When they get their budget to where it can be handled by his income, then they could switch and the mother could be the stay at home parent.
Being a good daddy don’t always mean being the one bringing home the bacon. A good daddy can also cook that bacon….
Thanks for adding a different perspective to the conversation, Faylee! 🙂
From bringing home the money to creating the homelife for your family, think of the family as one business many jobs. We are unique that my hubsd works from home, I CEO the home, and our children educate at home. OUR home is the center of our lives not chasing after the “Joneses’ home” – whoever they are. We decide/plan/guard doing it that way. I run the job of house from grass to trash; food to p(well, you know). He runs the wealth acquisition. We raise our kids. They are learning all the jobs as apprentices. It is not always easy. Also to the second question, Stay at home Dads are awesome. I live in a big city and meet many each year. Perhaps you can start thinking of it as who will be the Parent-at-Home when you assign your family’s jobs.
Dee, that sounds very similar to how a lot of families are living now…I think it’s great! 🙂 The Duggars raise their family home together and Jim Bob works on the side like that. It can be VERY lucrative! You just have to think outside the box.
I worked up until my 2nd son was 6 months old. I actually thought my paycheck was contributing to the household income…WELL since my husband was working out of state, I went to pay the bill for our two boys in daycare. I seriously almost fainted!! I didn’t realize that I only had $60 left from my paycheck once the bill was paid. I would’ve been in the hole after paying for gas, not to mention the stress that I was under trying to keep it all together working and taking care of our two boys while my husband was away for 8 months (but driving 5 hours one way every weekend to come home) People had been telling me to stay home with my kids, but I had never even considered it before that day. It didn’t take me long to make my decision. I told my husband I wanted to quit my job, I put in my notice, and packed up the boys and stayed with my husband in Chicago until he was able to come home. That was in 2007 and we went through another separation again in 2010 while he had to work out of state. The boys were in school by then, so we were only able to go for the summer, but the memories we made were priceless and would not have been possible if I had been working 🙂 There are benefits to both working and staying home. For someone like me, the income I was earning was not enough to warrant enduring all the stress that came along with it. I don’t miss it one bit.
Donna, that’s a great story! It makes me grin from ear to ear! 🙂 Thanks a bunch for sharing it!
Love the video. What are your thoughts about grown kids who are out the house. What is a wife’s position then. Should she work and contribute or still stay home. What is she to do?
Great question, Cindy. I don’t question the value of a stay at home mom vs. that of a stay at home wife. Before we had kids, Stacy stayed at home and took care of things. If husband and wife agree this is a good plan and your budget allows it, I think it is great! Since the kids are grown and gone, it may provide some much needed rest for both husband and wife to have fewer responsibilities and it may also give her the opportunity to do things she wasn’t able to while the kids were at home. At the same time, if your finances say you can’t retire until age 85 because you’ve not done as well as hoped with retirement savings, maybe the wife should go back to work (again, if you agree) for a few years strictly to put money away for retirement. I believe this is a decision that as long as husband and wife can agree on, can go either way.
My husband and I both stay home. Figure that one out!
Great video. I am not a video fan because I have a lot of children, I do my computer work in the wee morning hours, and we live out of (or in) a very small trailer part of the year. In that situation, a video is an alarm clock. When we’re at home, it’s easier, but I normally skip videos.
I did not skip yours. It was well done and interesting. And the shirt was perfect! Kudos, Barry!
🙂 Ha, ha! I bought him that shirt….bet you probably guessed that. lol
I hope to post a few instructional videos here and there…and Barry might post one occasionally. Maybe you need a set of headphones. LOL 😉 But I understand where you’re coming from. If I do anything in the morning that involves noise, Annie is awake immediately.
Barry, I liked the video and I really liked the way that you presented your situation without being judgemental about whether the spouse is a SAHM or working outside the home (either by choice or necessity). I think everyone needs to be respectful of choices that we make, whether we stay home or work outside the home. Each family is different and different solutions work for their family. Thank you for respecting that!!!
Thanks Jo! 🙂 We appreciate the lovely comment!
I’ve been at home almost four years. For us, there was no choice (I lost my job and we had children), but I wouldn’t choose another way. I feel it’s my place for now. Maybe later I’ll do something different or work a little bit. Houses are meant to have families in them and our family’s ultimate goal is to have everyone at home, everyday.
My comment on the video: There’s a strange hum in the background. That’s all. 🙂 Barry is very well-spoken, as always.
Oh, that was me. I was humming while I taped. LOL Just kidding. I would love for our family to be at home together every day…
PS – You rock.
First of all, Love Videos. Reading is fine but you just dont get the expression as you do in a video.
Second, I have been a stay at home mom. At first it was really really hard. Formula, diapers, baby clothes, baby food, etc and less money to spend on it. My husband wasn’t making much and we did the math. We were going to break even if I went to work. We would have to pay for gas, daycare, clothing and I could only work part time because of how our day was arranged. We did not have cable, internet, or any other luxury. We did pre-paid cell phones and did NO home improvements. Everything was about the babies and that was pretty much it. I learned to plant a garden, can or freeze those veggies, and to start buying bulk. As the kids got older and could go to school again I could only work part time, so I did for $7 an hour at a retail store. We found again that it wasnt really bringing home any money and we were not really getting ahead, but we kept going and were able to afford cable. My husband changed jobs to make more money and that helped. We were able to get into debt lol. I say that laughingly because right now we only have our house..yeah! A few years ago I got a full time job and it was so chaotic I couldnt deal. I had to leave work early because my husband had to work late and there was no one to get the kids. Sometimes my husband had to go out of town on the weekends and I would have to work so I would have to pay someone to watch them. If they were off school I had to pay for the Boys and Girls club to watch them…it was running and running and running and I just said enough! I went back to being at home dispite my kids being in school. I cleaned the house, gardened, bought bulk, bought dented canned things. Now I homeschool my children and that along with everything else fills my day. The biggest thing that helped us was to use our tax checks. We used them to pay off debt or improve the house because we couldnt during the year. We used our money wisely, the best we could, and now we are able to start saving because our debts are gone. Its been a long slow road of 11 years but it’s worth it to make it work and to be happy. (Sorry so long Stacy :0)
Don’t apologize at all! Your story is fantastic! Thanks so much for sharing it so other mommies could read it! 🙂
I’m not a fan of video. I can read most any post in 30 seconds, while the video was over 5 minutes. As a working mom, reading blogs is basically my hobby, but my time is limited. I don’t mention being a working mom because of this post, I actually would prefer to be home, but I work for now, and I just have limited time for this kind of stuff. So sorry, didn’t watch the video, but did take the time to comment. Lots and lots of people seem to love video, so I’m probably in the minority.
Sheila….we see your point. 🙂 We don’t plan to do a ton of video, just a few here and there to switch it up a bit. Thanks for the fabulous comment!
Loved the video! I too have worked and now stay at home, we wouldn’t have it any other way. Financially it’s a sacrifice but is worth more to be home raising my children than money could buy. When my children are grown they can look back and have memories of mom being there. We homeschool our children now which in itself isn’t easy they are with me all the time and I love it! For extra money I clean houses 1 day a week which is perfect for us the added income yet still able to be home. It’s not for everyone I understand but we followed what God wanted for us it’s a blessing 🙂
Each family must decide for themselves and follow the Lord’s leading. 🙂 And like you, I wouldn’t have it any other way!
I loved the video and as an older woman who worked all my life, it is something that young women need to hear. His points are so valid and some that young people may not think about. If I could go back and redo my life the one thing I would change was being a stay at home mom instead of working. Children need their Mom, sometime even more as they grow up into the adolescent years.
Willie, thank you for your perspective. Sometimes it’s hard to see things while we’re living them….and hind sight is always 20/20.
I wish I could of seen the video. We have Sat. internet and are limited on our MB daily so watching videos do not usually work out for us. I am sure it is a big hit for those that can though.
Stacy said: “Why is it that guilt seems to be a common situation with a stay at home spouse?” I think pressure from family, friends, just the world in general. I have been a SAHM since day one of our marriage (16 yrs ago)…I get from our parents that I just sit home all day, further from the truth…I am busy from the time I get up at dawn till I go to bed. Most expect me to fill in for or jump every time they want or need something from me, and get upset that I have other plans, like homeschooling our children, doing my large batch cooking, sewing clothing, etc. I consider me being home a full time job, it is just at home and save us money which is my contribution to our income. How do I save money? Not spending extra gas to get back and forth from work, not having to spend extra money for a meal (lunch), not having to spend extra money for clothing to work…..Hard to believe but working actually causes you to spend more money, and if you have young children you have to spend even more for childcare. So where are you helping out in the family’s financial pool? Alot of times you are actually spending more.
I have also been on the side of working outside the home. I had to work outside the home after my oldest daughter father died. So I do know first hand the cost of working. And I do know how it goes when you have no choice and have to work to survive.
I guess my suggestion is if you do not have to work as a wife and mother don’t….stay home and take care of your family. Be a helpmeet to your husband…I know my husband tells me all the time how much of a help I am being home. He really appreciates that I am home and it helps him to not worry/stress so much.
Sorry for writing such a long reply…this is what I tell others when they confront me about being a SAHM
Nora, I completely agree. I have some family members that think the same thing about me – having tons of free time. Barry and I joke around that I sit around all day, eating bonbons and watching All My Children. lol
Nora, my mother thinks I have TONS of free time, too! She lives and works about 60 miles away from us and STILL doesn’t understand why I can’t “swing by” to visit when I go to town for groceries, which is still a good 40 miles from her! My mother also thinks we must be well-off financially. She figures that because only my husband makes the money, he must make a lot of money! Yet I shop for clothing in thrift and consignment stores, cook all our meals, we don’t have cable TV, our cars are older, yada yada yada. Our values are different from hers. Some people will never “get it”. Keep up the good fight, Nora!
BHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Okay, the comment about being well off financially made me laugh! Isn’t it so funny what people assume? 🙂
First and foremost, being a stay at home mom is the best job I’ve ever had. It is also the most challenging job I’ve had as well. I actually worked for almost the first year of my son’s life, but I felt like I was missing important milestones. So, right after he turned one, we had issues with our childcare, and the decision had to be made about what we were going to do. We took on the ‘rice and beans’ philosophy, and I’ve been home with him almost 3 years now, with a second child on the way. 🙂 I will have to say I have periods of, I don’t know what you’d call it, it’s not guilt, but when I read about how successful my classmates are, the doctors, lawyers, world travelers, etc., I look at myself and think, wow…I’m just a SAHM, what success stories do I have to share at class reunions or whatever…then I realize, I don’t want to be one of those people who probably don’t have a lot of time to spend with their kids. Kids are only little ONE time, we have that small amount to time to spend with them where we are needed before they’re too grown up to ask for help. We don’t get to do half the stuff we used to do when we had 2 incomes, and that was very hard at first. But God has blessed us by allowing us to be able to have this lifestyle, even if it means not going on big trips, eating out at all the fabulous restaurants in Atlanta, or going to the theater every weekend, which were all things we loved to do before children. I could go on and on about this, but my post is getting long, so I’ll end now. Oh, loved the video format too!
Becky, I couldn’t have said it better! 🙂 We’re not “just” sahms…..we’re so much more.
I have been home since our 2nd was born about 9 months ago. We have always been on a budget but we still modified and continue as time goes on. It was a difficult transitio for me since I always worked, but when guilt or insecurity feelings arise I look at my kids and those feelings vanish. What we wanted in a nanny was never found, what we would be paying for now 2 kids would be difficult. My 2 yr old is better behaved, learning more and is on a real schedule that benefits him. I don’t stress about grocery shopping or cooking. I keep the house clean all week and don’t have to squeeze it in on weekends. I do more yard work and cut our dry cleaning bill by 90% by sending only things that require instead of all my hubby’s dress shirts. I try to do everything I can so when my husband comes home we ALL get to spend some quality family time together. We now make a tradition of going to the beach every friday before dinner which we could never do when! I worked. Thanks for bringing in the man’s view
Mary, that sounds awesome! 🙂 Thanks for chiming in!
I think the video is a great idea. I’m hoping to be working from home real soon. This will allow me to get the house chores done during breaks and lunch. I have a friend who works from home and loves it. She has a lot more family time. Thanks for all of the tips that you and Barry provide. Take care!
Family time is where it’s AT! 🙂 Good luck, Lori! Keep us posted on your progress. 🙂
i also wanted to say that i was a stay at home most of the time when my children were young. i did work small jobs but most of the time i left them with my family. i firmly believe in staying home with your children if you can. i feel not only is it important when they are small but even more so as they get older. i just did not want someone else raising my children. and with that my 2 daughters are now married, one has four girls and the other a son and a daughter on the way. they both are stay at home moms and i am so very proud of them. they also homeschool which i wish that i would of done that with my girls. they are amazing moms and their husbands love them being at home as barry had mentioned. it is just that i have been on both sides and would rather be at home. i feel there is nobody that can do and take care of your children like you can:)
Amen, Diana! 🙂 Amen.
I have been a stay at home Mom for the last four years. I enjoy it, and there are some sacrifices we have to make. No vacations since our son was born,eating at home most of the time, Finding FREE things to do with our three year old son, (Park, library) etc. Reducing our income really made me stop and think about where, and how our money was being spent, and what we were spending it on. You do have to give up some things, but I feel investing in this time with my son in his preschool years is priceless and will have eternal rewards. When he goes to school, I’ll start to look for a full time job, but until then, I like being home, and taking care of my baby bird, and our nest. 🙂
The sacrifices we make for our children are something they’ll always remember…..and eventually really appreciate. 🙂
I’ve been following the two of you for a couple of months now, and I’d like to start by saying this is usually the first one I read every morning. I wanted to comment today about the housework/cleaning aspect of being a SAHM. When I first started out having a clean house was a priority. My 3 year old daughter has an active/alert personality (also called difficult or high spirited)and I’ve found that I spend more of my time with her that I thought I would need to. My husband and I have had to reevaluate our idea of clean, and by most people standards our house probably isn’t that clean. But we’ve had put spending time with our kids and having personal time to regroup ahead of having a clean house. Sometimes I can’t imagine how overwhelming the housework would be if I worked outside the home, and sometimes I think that the house just wouldn’t get so dirty if we weren’t here all the time 🙂
Second I want to say that I do feel like I contribute financially as a SAHM. I take care of all of our finances. My husband brings in the money, but I’m in charge of where it all goes. Preventing money from unnecessarily leaving our bank account is a big contribution to our finances. If I were working I wouldn’t have the time to shop sales, cloth diaper, can fruits and vegetables, make my own cleaning/personal products and the other things I do that save money.
As far as the video format, I’m not a big fan. I use a small netbook computer with bad sound. Also if I get distracted in the middle of a video, its harder to come back and finish it later. I often end up skipping videos I find online. But I do want to say that your video was very well made and I’m glad that I was able to find the time to listen to it this morning.
Karen, I don’t think video is something we’ll do all the time…just occasionally for something different. 🙂
And yes, like you I’ve had to change my idea of “clean.” Spotless, our house is not…but I’m happy with it. Barry is happy with it. That’s all that matters! 🙂 There will be plenty of time for a spotless house when our children are old and grown.
“Clean” to me means that I can cook in the kitchen, the floor doesn’t crunch when I walk on it, the living room doesn’t have toys at the end of the day, and the main bathroom toilet isn’t gross. That’s MY minimum standard!
LOL Have you been in my house?!
Great video Barry! I work part time and my husband works full time, no kids, I would like Barry to address how stay at home or working just part time affects retirement, Social security, unbalanced portfolios etc.
For example, I save from my part time job and have $7000.00 in 403b, but since my husband has the full time job that matches, he has $140,000 in a 401k. Should we be saving more in my name? Does it matter? How will not working affect Social Security for the wife?
I think for a lot of couples it is important to consider your own values. My husband values time with me and being at home with each other and considers this a priority over extra money.
Hey Gina,
As long as you are married and doing your finances together (as you should be – remember, the two become one), any imbalance in retirement accounts shouldn’t really matter. If your husband is the primary breadwinner, it is common sense he should have more in retirement savings and Social Security under his name. However, I’m concerned with the HOUSEHOLD finances, not his/hers. I wouldn’t be concerned with anything past that. One note though: if he dies, be sure there is insurance. The primary (sole) purpose of life insurance is income replacement. Especially if you depend on his income, make sure there is insurance to cover it in case something happens.
First of all, you did a great job on the video! Both in what you said and how you presented yourself. You must do speaking at church or for your job.
I am a stay at home wife/mom. We have a 6 yr old and 9yr old. I have not worked outside of the home since I was pregnant with my first. It’s a really tough job. It’s exhausting and it’s a 24hr work day, but I wouldn’t do it any other way. My husband and I knew that if we had children, I would be at home with them both before they went to school and after so that I could be available to them and be able to nurture them as only a mom can do. I don’t always have the house the way it should be(I’m a recovering neat freak) since I do volunteer at my kids school sometimes, and some days I just want to do something for me such as sewing. But, I do get the things done that are necessary. I’m available when someone is sick, when someone forgot something for work/school and need it brought to them, etc. We go out to eat sometimes on Friday evenings, but since I’m here to fix dinner, we don’t have the ‘need’ to go thru a drive thru of get takeout of some sort. Not only does that save money, but we are healthier because of it. I’ve said many times that I do not know how a mom who works outside of the home is able to do it. For those who truly have to and get it done, kudos to you. I am blessed to be able to be a stay at home mom and I am truly thankful.
“But, I do get the things done that are necessary.” And that’s what is important. 🙂 The things that don’t get done will wait….our children won’t. 🙂
Thanks Barry! Great video. I totally agree with what you say. I wish a few more guys could see your point of view too.
I do have a good one, don’t I Deborah? 🙂
Loved the video! I like seeing the guy behind the posts. And I completely agree. I appreciate the humility in the approach. I like being a SAHM and we both think it’s best for our fam, but I know it’s important to be humble and know it may not be best for all.
That’s the truth. What works for one family won’t work for all families. 🙂
I have been a stay at home mom for 11 months. Unfortunely I am returning to work next week but it will be part time. When my husband came home from work I must say the house was not clean and sometimes I would be making dinner but at other times I needed help with the baby before I could start. My baby was very demanding and I was wore out all the time. He woke up all night long and he would not take a bottle so the feeding was all on me. I just don’t think being a stay at home mom is as easy as you make it sound. This is my second child (my first is a teenager) so I know some babies can be less demanding. Maybe if I was able to keep the house clean, food on the table and the children entertained I would not be going back to work.
I would like to see more videos. I think a colored background would look better than a white one.
Shannon, I know a bit of where you’re coming from. Being at home is NOT easy…and Barry knows that. 🙂 Annie has been a demanding child since she left the womb. I didn’t have the ability to pump…so if she wanted to eat, I was IT. She has terrible sleeping patterns and at 2 1/2 years old, I am lucky to get one or two nights of full sleep per week. If you were to ask Barry, he would tell you straight up that parenting Annie is HARD WORK…but it’s also sweet work.
Because of that, Barry and I both realize that sometimes the house won’t be totally clean…sometimes it means we’re having sandwiches for dinner. We get by with “good enough” at this point in life. 🙂
i love the way you did the video and the way you answered, it just was awesome to hear everything and see you face to face. i would love to see more videos:)
🙂 That’s sweet Diana! I’ll pass that along to Barry.
Your points are valid. I have been in both positions, working outside the home and being at home. For us the ideal was for me to be home but there were times it just couldn’t happen. We worked very diligently to get rid of all debt, downsize our lifestyle and live frugal. There were a lot of sacrifices and it wasn’t always easy. We did make it work but I don’t think couples should feel guilty on which path that works, no matter what that looks like.
I believe that was your point also and I enjoyed your video.
I really like that last part about couples not feeling guilty. Why is it that guilt seems to be a common situation with a stay at home spouse? If you’ve agreed as a couple on what your priorities are, decide you want to have a stay at home situation and can afford to do it, what’s the big deal!? Thanks for sharing your story.